BACKGROUND TO THIS LIFE CHANGE

My baby was kind enough to get me started on this site doing a blog of my misadventures. My memory is bad but I think this was Laura's idea so if you don't like what you read, find her and shoot her. It's called the "Dick Chaney Game".

Here I am in South Korea. Gwangyang yet. WTF! How did I end up here? Where did it begin? I figure I'll start with the background.

Actually before the background, a disclaimer. I am responsible for all my actions. Nothing is meant to imply blame for anything on anyone. I believe we are all responsible for our lives and our decisions be they right or wrong.

When I think of what I was doing 1 year ago and where I am today I am just overwhelmed with shock. I lived in Tyler, Texas and had been living there for over nine years after coming from Canada. (I'm a Canadian). I worked from home. I was married at the time for over 25 years. I have 2 beautiful daughters (23 and 20) who lived away from home. Sounds like the good life, right? In some ways it was. In other ways there was something lacking that I chose to ignore for a long time, but slowly it crept into my thoughts.

I think it began with my father getting Alzheimer's disease. This is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever seen. I have always loved and appreciated my parents and to see this wonderful and kind man who would never say a bad word about anyone slowly begin to lose his mind was quite devastating. Because my parents live in Toronto and I lived in Texas I didn't see day to day changes, but the big changes on my visits (3 to 5 times a year). He kept getting worse and I kept hoping against hope that one day he would snap out of it. I know that's denial but I had a very difficult time accepting it. I found myself either crying or on the verge of tears every day. I was terrified to phone my mother and ask about my father because there would be no good news. I felt awful (not a strong enough word) for my mother because after 50 years of marriage it's not what you expect. And the worst thing about it is you can't do anything to make it better. You just endure it.

I think this was the start of a slide downhill I took. I began to think about things and my life a little more. Was I satisfied? Did I want to spend the rest of my life in front of my computer screen? What did I want? And where did my largest responsibilities lie? Were they to others or to myself? Those are tough questions and can make you a somewhat unstable. Of course on the outside you're showing your mask, but on the inside you're just plain confused and in turmoil.

I really didn't feel there was anyone I could talk to or who would understand. But who really understands other people? My wife was and is a good person but she couldn't relate to me when I felt this way. I needed to talk and vent and work it out. She was content in her life and couldn't really relate to what I was going through. Of course, I could have been more forceful in letting her know just how important sorting all this out was to me, but I didn't. I like others to do things without me having to ask. That is not always the best way.

Due to incredible flukes of timing I came in contact with a woman I'd known for 35 years but hadn't spoken to in 24 years. We had a relationship back in the 70's. So in a way it was someone I knew but didn't know. And when you don't know someone all your stories and situations are new and they listen. It's not real life, but the attention is good and makes you feel that someone understands. Do they really understand? Probably not, but I only chose to see the surface.

One thing led to another and I found myself running off to Spain with her. It was without a doubt the worst thing I've every done to anyone in my life. My wife didn't deserve my total disregard for her feelings. If I wanted to leave home, I should have left and then did whatever I wanted to do. But no, I went at it ass backwards. It is quite humbling to learn how selfish and thoughtless one can be. I didn't leave for the "other woman", I was leaving because of some yearning I had for a new life and a new adventure. There is no right or wrong in this. There is only right and wrong in how you handle it. I failed at handling it and hurt many people who I hope one day can forgive me my thoughtlessness and see it as an anomaly and not the sum of my life.

My little Spanish adventure earned me a divorce. I saw the other woman a few more times (she lived in England) as I went there for a month, and she came to the States for a month. Promises and wishes were shared but to make a long story short, she couldn't handle a long distance relationship and find out what may happen.

I left Tyler and moved to Austin. My younger daughter was very kind to me and if not exactly forgiving of me, she treated me respectfully as her father. She did things for me and was just great to be around. I got to know her much better than I did and that was a fabulous experience for me. I enjoyed just being out driving and stopping in where she worked to say hello. It's not often one has the opportunity to do that.

I had some dates and dating after 25 years of marriage is weird. But it wasn't as horrible as I thought. I imagined I would be quiet and not say anything. But I can talk and I forced myself to be social. Life is a never ending learning experience as it should be. If you don't take advantage of the opportunities to try and learn new things, and to learn from your mistakes then life is pointless. (Just my viewpoint).

I met a very nice woman in Austin who was unlike anyone I had ever had a relationship with. I have always found myself attracted to "needy" women with "problems". I wanted to save them but I finally learned you can't save other people. This woman didn't have a boatload of problems but had suffered real tragedy in her life and had come out the other side not bitter, not self-obsessed, but level headed and a good person. It seems that the people with the smallest problems bitch the most, but those who have suffered real pain don't complain very much if at all.

So I have a new life in Austin, learning how to be social in the world, getting to know my daughter better, when I have a brilliant idea. Why not move to some foreign country where I know nothing and teach English. I had that idea a little over a month ago and here I am in Gwangyang. I felt compelled to try something new and to have an adventure. I'm 50 and that really doesn't mean anything. I got off on the idea that not everyone could do what I was doing. To people who have never been anywhere, the world is a big place. To those that have traveled the world is a small place. I've traveled a lot so I think it's a small world.

I sent out resumes to China, Korea, and Taiwan. I accepted a position in Gwangyang because the director of the school sounded like a good person on the phone interview, and the size of the city was about 150,000 and I didn't want a big city like Seoul. Of course the problem with the small city is a smaller pool of English speaking Koreans to get to know. And I don't speak or read any Korean. In fact, it wasn't until after I accepted the job that I bothered to look at a map and see where Korea was. I can be impulsive. It is just so strange to think about the contrast between now and a year ago.

So that's a brief sketch of the background, warts and all. I'm just a person who isn't sure what he wants out of life, but would like to see and learn about new things. I have no idea what the future holds, but the Korean adventure is now. I'll bring you up to date on what's been happening so far with the next post. (And hopefully it will be shorter than this one).