BACK HERE, BUT WHY?

The whole funeral and sitting shiva thing is so weird. (Sitting shiva for those that don’t know means the immediate family gathers at a house for a period of mourning between 3 and 7 days. People visit and you eat. Then you eat more. And just when you think you can’t eat another thing, you do eat another thing). It’s such a bizarre and bittersweet experience. It’s a chance to see people you don’t see enough of. It’s a time to reflect on what’s important in life. It’s a time to remember a person who gave you so much. You’re happy to be with others, but the whole experience has a sadness to it.

I don’t think without Elana and Leah I could have survived as well as I did. It was easier than a “sudden death” because my dad’s suffering is done. The person died a long time ago and the body finally caught up. Having my children near me gave me the strength I needed and I’m so grateful to have 2 such wonderful daughters.

I read the previous post about my dad at the funeral. My sister suggested I should and I thought I would try. I managed to read it without collapsing into a quivering mass of jelly. It was touch and go in a few places, but I’m glad I did it. I got so many compliments on my “eulogy”. I told them it wasn’t a eulogy, just something I wrote shortly after his death. I told them it was easy because I had such good material to work with.

I stayed with my sister where we sat shiva. Her kids (12, 10, and 8) were very good under the circumstances but hanging around 3 young children can make one feel suicidal at times. My sister and I complained about some people staying true to form and the opposite of our father, but if you can’t gossip and complain about people you’re missing out on a joyous part of life. (That was a joke). I reflected a lot on what I have to be thankful for, and there is a lot to be thankful for. I couldn’t come up with an answer as to what I want out of life but I realize that I really don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m not saying I would run off with the first person to come along as it will only work for me if it’s the right one (or appears to be), but being on your own is sad. I think it’s important to share your life with someone and to have someone share their life with you.

My mother held up quite well. I hope she makes the adjustment to having a life for herself. So much of her life the last year has been visiting my father at the home and now she’ll need something new to fill the hours. She’s got more strength than she ever thought she’d have and I hope it gets her through this. I spent the last night at her apartment and it was so weird. As a family, we never lived in a high rise before. To see my mother in her one bedroom apartment was just so overwhelmingly sad for me. My mother is a woman with a big kitchen to cook in and a big dining room for family dinners and other things. Now she’s alone and it really did break my heart to see it. I can’t feel overly sorry for myself as I can just look towards her and know that her suffering is a lot worse than mine.

When I saw my aunt for the last time in Toronto she said to me, “I hope you find what you’re looking for”. I replied, “me too”. I wish I knew. I know what I want from a personal relationship standpoint but as for the rest, I just don’t know and it’s getting frustrating and annoying. When I was younger I always thought the answer would come to me, but it’s not happening.

Elana, Leah, and I went for a walk and I told them what to do when I died. I said, “do whatever makes you happy because I won’t care because I’ll be dead”. That was my big death talk. Elana would have preferred specific instructions and I suppose that would be easier if you just have a guideline to follow when it happens, but I just can’t get into that. Death is finality. They could turn me into Soylent Green for all it matters. (And if you figure that one out, then good for you.)

I got the call from my sister at 2AM on the morning of Thursday, September 14th telling me that the doctor’s said my dad had less than 72 hours to live. The death signs for Alzheimer’s patients were there. I booked a flight to Toronto right away and managed to reserve a seat for the 7PM flight to Toronto. I went into school first thing in the morning to tell them and I should have just phoned. It seems I’ve gotten myself mixed up with people who if they were scum of the earth, it would be a step up for them.

The first person I saw at school was Min Kyung. I told her what was happening and she offered her sympathies. She then asked when my flight was and I told her 7PM. She said then I could still do the morning broadcast. I looked at her like she was crazy and said “no”. She said I had to. I said no. I was not going to break down crying in front of the whole school. I then explained I wasn’t sure how long I’d be gone for because of Jewish mourning customs. You are given 7 days bereavement leave (including the weekend) for the death of a parent. She said she would go to the principal and tell him the situation.

She came back upstairs and told me I had 7 days only to be gone. I told her that I’d be gone longer and she said if I was, then I’d be fired. My response was, “good, so fire me”. We then went downstairs for a meeting between the principal, vice-principal, school administrator, and Min Kyung.

To my mind when a tragedy strikes, you wish the person the best and tell them to go do what needs to be done and we’ll see you when you get back. Not here. I had to sit through a 1/2 hour meeting on my leaving. I was told that if I took more than 7 days than I’d lose vacation time. I was told that if my father didn’t die (he was only on his death bed then) then I would lose vacation time. The whole thing was absurd. They then wanted me to sign something and I asked Min Kyung for a pin. She asked why and I told her it was so I could prick my finger and sign it in blood. She didn’t translate that.

During all this time no one offered any sympathy or condolences. When this farce of a meeting was over, the principal may have offered condolences (it didn’t translate well) and the vice-principal had nothing to say. These people are beneath contempt. I just left but I spoke with both Saeyoon and Yoon Soo about my treatment. Saeyoon went crazy and was embarrassed that these were Koreans I was dealing with. Yoon Soo could only say that they were “crazy”. It’s good to know that these men are the exception and not the typical Koreans.

I survived the week and it was good to be together with everyone. I will admit I was ready to return to Korea although the thought of coming back to this school is not overly thrilling. I am inquiring into other schools at the moment. I don’t know if I’d quit here but I’d listen. I don’t let what scum the “bosses” are affect how I am with the kids. I can separate.

So I’m back in Korea and it’s just weird stuff now. The only person who knew I was coming back on Friday at 3:30 was Saeyoon. She calls me after I arrive and tells me that she got a text message from someone asking her why “she wasn’t going to the airport at 3:30 to pick up Martin”. Needless to say she was freaked out by that. How did this other person know? This person is someone who she has corresponded with for a couple of years but has never met. Apparently he wrote other things along the lines of killing me or something like that. Saeyoon went to the police on Friday night and they told her to not see me for a couple of weeks and this lunatic would calm down. Good police work!

So Saeyoon is terrified of seeing me because she doesn’t want me to be hurt. We have no idea how he found out about my arrival (and other things too). We didn’t see each other on the weekend which was difficult for me as I really didn’t want to be alone. I tend to be fearless (or stupid) and would just ignore this idiot, but she is taking him seriously. I’m not sure what we are going to do except we have to do something or just cancel the relationship. I don’t think that’s something either of us want to do.

English teachers in Korea don’t have the best reputation. A lot of Koreans (including this crazy guy) think that Westerner’s just want to sleep with Korean girls, make false promises, and then go back West. This does happen and it happens too much. I can see if you’re ignorant enough you can assume all Westerner’s are like that. It’s a sad situation.

Saeyoon is trying to reason with this idiot. She’s written him that I’m different and other things. I think she’s hoping that he will just go away and leave her in peace. If that happens, great. But if it doesn’t, then what? That is the burning question at the moment.

So, I work for scum and there is a lunatic threatening to kill me because I’m having a relationship with a Korean woman. Who wouldn’t want to live in Korea? I may end up in China. It would be so easy if I wanted to go, but I don’t want to go yet. There is unfinished business to attend to. Elana thinks there is no future for Saeyoon and I because of our differences and if she was Western I wouldn’t put up with some of them. It’s an interesting point she has and I think about it. I want to think I’m more tolerant and accepting than she remembers me to be, but because I’m lonely I have to be careful that any feelings I have are the real thing, and not just settling for something so I’m not lonely. I suppose if I’m risking working for morons and death by crazy people, I think that what I feel is real. Of course tomorrow all could be different because all is in a state of flux.

They got a 2nd Korean English teacher at the school now so I won’t be in the classroom by myself anymore. Min Kyung was in my classes today and she annoyed me. I was explaining something and the kids weren’t getting it. That’s fine as I just try and explain a different way. She interrupted and told them in Korean. I am trying to get across to her that if you give it to them in Korean then they don’t bother listening to the English. As for the other teacher, I’ll meet him tomorrow and see what he’s like.

I must admit it was nice to see the kids today (outside of class). They seemed happy to see me. I had a few kids say, “long time, no see” which was cute and some girls said I was beautiful with my new beard. I just feel warmth from so many of them. The computer teacher (whose name I wish I knew) asked me how I was and told me that if he could tell me in Korean, he would be telling me to have strength. There are so many good people here that it is so fucking annoying to deal with the exceptions.

Tonight I’m having dinner with Yoon Soo. That is if he doesn’t cancel on me. I hope he follows through on his promise that our next outing would be his treat for standing me up last time. I think I’ll suggest Outback.

I do try to figure my life and my sojourn in Korea out. I do try to figure out what to do with my life. I just don’t get anywhere. It’s almost like this is some kind of punishment I’m getting for something I did in a previous life.