THURSDAYS ARE CRAPPY TEACHING DAYS

It's official. I'm declaring Thursday the worst school day of the week. The kids in middle school are like zombies. They are so tired that they can barely get their heads off their desks. Friday is better because they know the next day is Saturday but Thursday only means another day of school. I absolutely hate it.

I took out my book of crummy jokes and tried to do a few with the 6PM class. It was hopeless. I think if they weren't so dead it might have worked. But all I got were blank looks. "Do you understand me"? is met with silence. I like these kids so I hate when they're not mentally there.

It seems tomorrow I'm running around to different classes to test the kids for their monthly test. Kelly told me this while I was in the 6PM class. When she left the room, I asked the kids if they got tested every month, because I didn't remember a test in February. They had never heard of a monthly test either. It's so nice to be informed and prepared. Not to mention I have no idea how to grade the kids. I really have no idea how much they should know. I could easily fail everyone because they don't know enough, but that wouldn't be fair. Maybe they are fine for their level. I hate this disorganization.

In my 5PM class the kids told me they were supposed to have a test today. I said no, I hadn't told them about a test. But they went on that they did and I should go check so I asked Kelly. She told me to test them. Yup, just whip up a test. I got them to read and then I asked questions. Then I made up numbers and that was their grade. I have no idea what will become of it. I stuck it in the attendance sheet. It will probably end up in the garbage. I can't grade if I don't know the standards. Why wouldn't a person who runs a school just know that? (That was a rhetorical question).

I did give the kids at 4PM a test today on my own. I scrambled up the alphabet and got them to write down the letter I said. I did all 26 letters and half the class got under 10 of them right. It's scary. They can't read. What's happened is they just go through the textbook without regard for making things stick. I was doing that but I've decided it's stupid. It's not easy to teach people to read but I'll work at it with these kids. I have them twice a week so I have no idea what they do with the other teacher but I'm sure they're not learning anything.

I am just getting a bad feeling when I'm in the school. It's not a happy atmosphere that I'm picking up, but maybe that's just me. I have no idea what I should be striving for in terms of teaching. I'm just winging it. I learned tonight that my adult student had quit. I don't know why because Kelly had an "emergency" to deal with and couldn't tell me. I am curious since just a week ago she told me she wanted to learn to speak like me. I may go visit her at work tomorrow (she works near the school) to find out why. I was just so shocked.

What surprises me (and I don't know why it surprises me except perhaps I underestimate myself at times) is that I do care about what most of these kids learn. There are a few who can rot in hell, but for most of them I want them to learn something. I know that learning English in Korea is important to their future and I do care. It's just so frustrating when the kids come and go so quickly, and I have no confidence in what they're getting from the Korean English teachers.

It concerns me a bit to really care about the job I do here. If I care and it's a losing battle it will be quite depressing. My goals, the goals of the school, and the goals of the parents don't exactly match. The Korean culture wants to create a bunch of robots that are identical and who you just ram schooling down their throats. Not that I'm an expert at what goes on, but it's what I understand from talking to the kids and observing them. I don't really care about the textbooks and such, I just want to get the kids to talk some English. If they can achieve any comfort level speaking English (even if it's poorly), then they'll get better at it. I try to instill confidence in them, and not have them fear failure. I work very hard to get them to understand that I don't care if they make a mistake or ask a question about something they don't know. I'm there to help them. I wonder if I should have kept my head stuck in a computer.

Some days I feel like I'm making some baby steps forward, and other days I just throw my hands up and say, "why bother". Not only to I have to adjust to a culture, but I have to adjust to a whole new line of work where I really don't know the "rules". I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling sorry that I can't just magically make it work.

I called the Australian guy in Gwangyang I went out with 4 weeks ago to see if he wanted to do something Saturday night. He's busy but we chatted for a while on the phone. So it looks like another weekend where I'll tell myself I'll go out to a bar Saturday night and probably end up staying in. I will try and force myself out. An adult student who was at the school for the first few weeks I was there mentioned 2 bars in town that gets a mix of Koreans and a few foreigners. I know where one of them is so I can try that. The guy I went out with last Saturday also mentioned a bar here that perhaps I can ask Kelly about with regards to the location.

I know I'm in the apartment too much. I think I've been using my cold as an excuse the last week or so. I'm out of here come Monday. I'll do the yoga already instead of just talking about it. It's a start. Then again, I can start playing Starcraft and killing things on my computer. Seriously, I can't just live for the weekends and going away (which will become more frequent as the weather gets better). I need a weekday life. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster with the ups and downs. The only difference this time as to other times on the rollercoaster is that I'm not really depressed. On the down days I just look at it and know it's a down day and that tomorrow will most likely be a different story. And being able to get pleasure from the tiniest things (a friendly hello from some little kid on the street or a hug from a kindergarten kid) also keeps me optimistic.

All I really know is that life is strange with lots of twists and turns. At least mine is. I'm sure it's quite straight for some.

And the other thing I really know is that I love and miss Elana and Leah.