BEFUDDLEMENT

The dictionary definition of befuddlement is, “confusion resulting from failure to understand”. That’s my normal state of being. I walk around in a state of befuddlement. I go out in a state of befuddlement. I live my life in a state of befuddlement. Not only do I understand Koreans less than I use to, I think I even understand myself less than I used to. And to think one of the reasons I felt I took this journey was for self-discovery. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think, that my self-discovery is that I don’t understand.

There was a time about 11 years ago I remember quite clearly. I was working in an office in Durant, Oklahoma (avoid it at all costs) when I felt I had an epiphany. And what was this great epiphany? I thought that knowing that you understand nothing means you understand the basic rule of life. When did I start thinking again that I could understand things? I don’t know but boy, I did get fooled again.

I went to Outback (yeah!) with my friend Yoon Soo last night. I asked him where he wanted to go for dinner and he said someplace with rice. Like Koreans don’t eat enough rice that they have to go to restaurants to have more. He asked me where I wanted to go and I said that I always choose and that wasn’t fair. He forced me to make a suggestion. I said I felt like Outback and he said that was fine. I said, “can you get rice at Outback?” He said yes. Guess what? No rice at Outback. Good for Outback. Just because we’re in Korea doesn’t mean you have to serve rice. Yoon Soo expressed amazement that there was no rice. So I did what good friends do in a situation like this. I made fun of him. It’s one of the reasons we’re friends. I can joke with him and he gets it most of the time. Humor is one of the most difficult things to understand across cultures so it’s a great thing that we can share my “unique” sense of humor.

Now one of the reasons he’s fond of me (and I believe I’ve mentioned it before) is that he can tell me things he can’t tell anyone else. I’m a good listener. He’s an unusual Korean in that he wishes to express his feelings which of course isn’t done. So it works. I fill a need for him. So while were talking on a variety of subjects, the subject turned to his marital situation. As I’ve written before, he’s separated from his wife although no one at work knows this because he’d lose face.

I asked how long they’ve been separated and he told me six years. I almost fell out of my chair. That’s a long time. “Why no divorce”, I enquired. The reason is that his wife doesn’t want a divorce and he says in Korea (with a more than 50% divorce rate) you can’t get a divorce unless the wife wants one. It’s to protect the woman. I asked him if he had told his wife to “forget it. I’m not coming back.” He said he hasn’t. He wants a divorce but he feels a responsibility to his family he doesn’t live with. I said that of course he has a responsibility to his kids, but his wife is still young (40) and she should get on with her life. He says the old Korean women say that you wait long enough, the man will come back. That used to be true, but not anymore. He also is afraid she’ll try to kill herself. He said that when he first left, she tried to commit suicide. I told him she was probably in shock and didn’t know what she was doing. I tried to be logical. “Does she love her children?” He says yes. I said, “Are her children the most important thing in her life?” He said yes. I said she won’t kill herself. (I don’t know but geez, six years!)

The other thing I asked him was, “do you date?” He said, no because it’s against the law. I don’t know if people get thrown in jail for it, and this is a country where you can rent motel rooms by the hour, but you can’t have an affair while you’re still married. Even if you’re separated. A state of befuddlement? Me? Ha and Ha.

Why did he get separated? It seems he used to keep a diary. (Note to those with diaries. Burn them.) He felt a hole in his heart and that he didn’t love his wife. There was no passion. So he fixated on another woman although nothing happened, he wrote all about it in his diary. And you’ll never guess what? His wife found it. I said in my most sarcastic voice, “What a shock”. If you have something you don’t want anyone to know, then keep it to yourself.

He tried to explain to his wife that nothing happened and she didn’t believe him. What’s unbelievable to me in this whole thing is that he’s surprised she didn’t believe him. In fact, he said he can’t forgive her for not believing him. I basically told him that he’s an idiot (but much nicer than that). Of course she doesn’t believe him. It was a secret and even when the most innocent secrets are found out, people assume the worst. After all, if it was innocent it wouldn’t have been a secret.

I fear that that someone in Mee Kyung’s family will find out about our friendship. It’s innocent, but I’m sure it will be the end of her if it’s found out. Her family will think the worst. It’s so unfair in this case because we really are just friends. She should explain that to her family before anyone else finds out. She should “go modern”. I won’t end the friendship with her, because I’m selfish and I enjoy her company, but I get really sick when I think about the possibilities of what could happen.

So, Yoon Soo isn’t moving home. He likes living by himself. He’s not telling his wife that he’s never moving back so she can keep thinking that maybe one day he’ll come back. He won’t date (so that’s a good thing because he’s saving himself some potentially serious aggravation). No one at work knows he’s separated.

These people are crazy. Forget that it’s a different culture. How did they fail to evolve. I think Darwin’s theory of evolution is shot to hell here. I’m not judging them (I hope), I just think they’re nuts. I’m nuts, but I’m nuts in a different way.

Do husbands and wives tell each other that they love each other? Rarely if ever. (Of course I learn this stuff from Yoon Soo and I find he’s pretty accurate in what I observe of Koreans.) What happens if a wife tells her husband, “I love you.” The husband thinks something is wrong. I got a picture of “I Love Lucy” in my head when he said this.
Lucy: Ricky honey, I love you.
Ricky: Lucy, what did you do now?

Sad, sad, sad. Now we don’t all have to be like me and wear our emotions on our sleeves, but isn’t it good to show emotions? I wonder if it makes them ill to keep everything inside, or if they really have made it to the place where they have no feelings. I don’t know and I don’t understand. Befuddlement. Put it on my tombstone.

Martin King
1955 - ????
“He lived his life in a state of befuddlement.”

Okay, got that taken care of. I wrote my own epitaph. There was a movie called, “Let No Man Write My Epitaph”. I always thought that was a cool title for a movie and now I’m living it. I never saw it but what a cast! Burl Ives, Shelley Winters, James Darren, Ricardo (Corinthian leather) Montalban, and Ella Fitzgerald. This ranks up there with Captain’s Log, Supplemental. Maybe there is a purpose in me being here.

Today was week two of camp, with a whole new cast of characters. How was it? My first question to the assembled group was “What did you do last week?” Blank stares. No answers. Lost in space. My follow up was, “Who knows what a week is?” Blank stares. No answers. I really wasn’t in the mood for this. Part of the reason it put me in a bad mood was that I wasn’t prepared for it. The things I did last week won’t work with this group. I should have been told, “in week 2 you will have students who know nothing”. Then I could have been better prepared.

One of the plans for today was to watch “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. It’s great and well worth watching. It holds up so well and Gene Wilder is perfect. So I asked, “Who wants to see the movie?” Blank stares. No answers. “Who understands what I’m asking?” Blank stares. No answers. “What does ‘who wants’ mean?” Blank stares. No answers.

As I’ve said before, these are kids in their 5th or 6th years of learning English. I’m not holding up very well at this point. I’m trying very hard to not lose it. I’m sure I wasn’t hiding my disappointment and horror at their lack of ability. (And shame on me for that). I pick up a marker and I say, “Who doesn’t want me to throw this at them?” and I mime throwing it. Blank stares. No answers. So I threw it at one kid. Not hard. Light toss. I then asked the same question and I still got no answers. I had to throw the marker at about 8 different kids before they would answer no to “Do you want me to throw the marker at you?” Maybe they’re slow. I know that I speak slowly and I always tell them that any answer is okay. I don’t care about mistakes.

Last week when I showed it, I showed it in English with English subtitles which I think was good for them. Today I put on the Korean subtitles because they wouldn’t have understood one thing without them. I have to adapt as a babysitter. We came back to the classroom after the movie. “Who liked the movie?” Blank stares. No answers. “Is it time to go home?” That one they knew. I got several yeses, so I dismissed them for my own sake.

There are so many ways I can look at this. It’s a total waste of my time even if I have nothing else to do. It’s a waste of the kids time. I have no idea how to teach. I have no idea how to teach slow children. I just plain stink as a teacher. I don’t have the patience to work with poor students. I have no desire to work with these kids. Take your pick. It’s a bit of all of them, I think.

How am I going to do a movie with them? I’m not giving them ideas and writing the script because their English is non-existent. Of course, there’s always the possibility that they’ll be inspired and be touched by the hand of the English gods and suddenly speak. I can do cooking because you don’t have to say much. Just hand out ingredients in the proper order, mime mixing, and write the amounts to use on the board. I have the Wizard of Oz for Thursday. But I just don’t have the get up and go to figure out how to teach them something overnight.

It really is sad. I shouldn’t treat them like imbeciles. Maybe it’s not their fault. Maybe they’ve needed special attention which isn’t available in the Korean school system. Forty kids a class and nobody fails. Keep them doggies rolling, Rawhide. I expect to see Rowdy Yates riding up on his horse and moving the kids up to the next grade.

I’ve slept with my electric fan on the last 2 nights. It’s muggy. Yoon Soo was complaining about the heat yesterday. I laughed at him. I said when were you studying in Austin and San Antonio? He said it was a July and an August. I said, “and you call this hot?” That ended his complaining. I’d prefer air conditioning but I’m not dying. I will lie on a hardwood floor at home because I tend to stick to the furniture which isn’t too pleasant.

Phillip Ober was also in “Let No Man Write My Epitaph”. He was married to Vivian Vance in real life. William Frawley wasn’t really married to Vivian Vance and if what I’ve read is to be believed, he didn’t even like her. Hard to believe that Fred and Ethel didn’t like each other.

“I Love Lucy” is over 55 years old. I find that I’m becoming aware of my age more and more as time passes. I don’t feel old, but I realize I’m not young. I have less years to live, than I have lived so far. (Most likely). That’s amazing. Where did it all go? What have I accomplished? Was I supposed to accomplish something? Gosh, no wonder I’m in a state of befuddlement.