IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

I’m starting to wonder. I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories, but maybe the Koreans have a plan to drive me crazy. It’s pretty obvious and they’re not fooling me. And what’s worse is that it appears to be working. Last night at midnight I said, out loud, to Yoon Soo that “maybe it’s time for me to go back to America”. I know it was just my mood at the time, but it’s the first time I ever verbalized it since I’ve been here.

I came into school yesterday morning and I may be wrong, but the vice-principal looked a little surprised to see me. He did some talking in Korean and I just smiled and nodded. He then called Min Kyung, spoke to her, and then handed me the phone. She said that I didn’t have to come to work on Friday, just Thursday morning. What the fuck is going on? Are they that disorganized? Can they not communicate amongst themselves in Korean? Or, is this a master plan to totally destroy have any confidence in understanding anything?

So I went home at noon and was hanging around. I was going to Seoul later in the afternoon to meet a friend. At 2:30 Min Kyung calls and says the school received an “official” document and there is a meeting I must go to at 3:30. That was in one hour. I said, “NO”. “But you must go, it’s an official meeting, it’s important”. I said that if it was so damn important, they would have notified me before now. The Koreans jump when orders are given like that. I try so damn hard to fit in, but there are some things that just reek of disrespect and telling someone they have an important meeting when they are off work, and to be there in an hour is disrespectful to me. Naturally Min Kyung is getting stressed and this time I felt bad for her because she’s just the messenger here. I told her to tell the school she couldn’t get a hold of me. She wouldn’t go for that so I said I had a doctor’s appointment. She asked if I was serious and I didn’t say anything other than, “I have a doctor’s appointment. Tell them that”. She asked if I could postpone it for an hour and I told her there was no damn way I was going to do that. She let me know the vice-principal would be unhappy and I said, “I don’t really care. They can fire me if they want”. I’m not here to jump through hoops for them. We got off the phone.

Ten minutes later Mankee calls to give me the same message about the meeting. I told him it was a bunch of stupid crap as far as I was concerned. I told him I understood that a Korean would jump through hoops to be at this meeting, but guess what, I’m not Korean. He also told me the vice-principal would be unhappy and I repeated to him that I didn’t care and they were free to fire me. We got off the phone.

I didn’t fly off the handle as much as the day before, but I was upset. I feel that I try so hard to get a long and be a team player, but there is no rulebook other than be prepared to jump at the commands. I can’t and won’t do that. I will bend and overlook so many “cultural” and “traditional” things here out of respect for my position as a visitor here. But there is a line. As Yoon Soo says that when you work for the government, you’re supposed to be like a soldier, and obey every order. I’m not a soldier. If I wanted to be a soldier I would have joined the army. I hear there are a lot of soldiers there.

After that, I should have just crawled into bed and pulled the sheets up over my head. My day was ruined. I shouldn’t have gone to Seoul. I was in a pissy mood and had a lousy time. And to top it off, when I got back to Ilsan my car had been parked illegally and had been towed away. I’m such a winner.

I really didn’t know what to do so I called Yoon Soo (it’s almost midnight). I felt terrible but I was in a jam and that’s what friends are for. He came and picked me up and took me to the car lot where I paid to get it back. It was very kind of him and it was a fitting finish to the time since I started flipping out over the prescriptions the day before. That’s when I blurted out my “maybe it’s time to leave” comment.

How serious am I? I don’t know. I waffle, not really out of indecision, just out of how it’s going at the time. The time to leave is when the bad outweighs the good. But I do know I don’t want to be annoyed. I want no aggravation at work. I just want to do my job, and do it well. I want a personal life that provides me with fulfillment. Is that possible? Who knows, I’m not a happy guy. I’m starting to lose confidence in the great strides forward I’ve made in the last year. The thought of depression is depressing me. (How’s that for understatement). I’m crying more. Not a lot, just more that before. It still takes a trigger, but the tears are coming easier. A picture of my father, a touching line in a book, a stupid movie, whatever. I’m thinking of upping my meds to the level they were at when I left the U.S. I’d really cut back and had no problem. The last few weeks I can just feel something.

My cleaning woman came today so I had to get out. I really didn’t want to hang around here while she worked. I went to school to do some more preparation for camp. See, leave me alone and I’ll do what’s needed. Bug me about it, and you can forget it. I then met Yoon Soo at Starbucks for coffee at noon. We hung out and chatted for a couple of hours. What was funny is that we were to meet at 1:00 but he called me earlier to say that the principal noticed him at the school so he was told to be at an emergency meeting at 2PM. In light of my experience yesterday it was funny. He said he’d never really thought about things like that happening, he just accepted them. After I told him my reaction yesterday, and it happened to him today, he said it was rude and disrespectful. I like talking to him because it’s a window into the Korean way by someone who has an understanding of Western ways. He’s not defensive about the Korean way. Some things he likes, some things he doesn’t like. When he explains something, it’s not “this is the Korean way and it’s good”, it’s “this is just the Korean way”. I appreciate the insight.

After that I went to pick up my prescription. I had to wait and I kept nodding off and drooling in a chair. It was the drool hitting my shirt that kept waking me up. I must have been quite the site. For some of the pills they gave me vials. That’s the normal way. For the rest of them (my usual morning ones), they did this:


They make individual packets of the daily dose. It really is quite nice of them and convenient. I make up daily doses in 2 week bunches because my pill container is for 14 days. This way, I have to do nothing. I think it’s better this way, but it just looks weird as hell to me.

After that I went home. It was 2:30. The cleaning woman was still there. I have no idea how she was filling her day so I just threw my Insulin in the fridge and departed. My only problem was I had no idea where to go. I’d been to Starbucks so I wasn’t going back there. Then I decided to get adventurous. I drove to the center of Paju by myself. I went to City Hall and got a map and tourist book in English. I walked through an open-air market on a side street. Boy, the smells can kill you. I mean how many cut up fish can you smell without puking? A lot it seems.

I got back at 4:30 and the cleaning lady was just leaving. The place was clean, she’d done laundry, she’d done ironing, and the place is neat and spotless instead of just mostly neat and a little spotty. I think I’m pleased. I’m not sure it’s the best use of my money (which I can’t seem to hold on to), but I like the not having to do major cleanings and I like things clean.

I’m meeting Robert tomorrow for a walkabout and dinner in Seoul. We will be in the Itaewon area which is mostly white people. In fact, it’s the one area I’ve seen where the foreigner’s outnumber the Koreans. It’s weird. Usually you see a white face and do a double take. In Itaewon you see a Korean face and you do a double take. It will be nice to have a conversation with someone who’s first and only language is English. (That is not to disparage Koreans who speak English). I was telling Yoon Soo this but I told him that talking and listening to him isn’t a strain because his English is so good. And, he asks if he doesn’t understand something. For most of the people I speak with, I have to be on extra alert to be sure I understand them (although it seems I understand less and less). It can be a strain at times.

It looks like Japan is a go. I think I’ll book a flight on Monday. I’ll leave the evening of Friday August 11th and go for 5 or 6 days. It’s nowhere near long enough, but it will be expensive enough. The problem with a summer vacation is that it’s high season, so things cost a little more. And this is the only new country vacation I will have because my February vacation is the big Bar Mitzvah trip to Toronto for my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah. I could skip it, but my sister would kill me. (Just joking Elyse).

Before I left Austin I used to go see this woman and talk to her once or twice a week depending on how I was feeling. I think it helped me. I haven’t really missed her until recently. I was thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea to find someone here, but guess what? It’s impossible. I don’t think Korean’s visit psychologist type people because that would require revealing their emotions, which isn’t cool. And I don’t think that Korean’s psychologist types (if there are any) have English as their first language.