SO WHO CARES ABOUT THIS?

It just occurred to me that I have no idea who is reading this (okay, a general idea), and if anyone really cares about reading it. Is it a chore to read? Do you read out of some sense of obligation? Is it really interesting to read? It’s just everyday life. It no longer has the general “Gwangyang” unhappiness. It’s just life and nothing special. I don’t even know if I’ll ever sit down and read the whole thing, but I hope I do. I’ve spent thousands of words on this, but to what avail? To have an outlet for my thoughts? To vent? To entertain? To hope some Korean’s I know stumble across this because I just love stirring the pot? I can’t answer anything at the moment.

I felt so tired today. Sleepy tired and beat up tired. I felt like I’d gone 12 rounds with Ali. In the teacher’s room I kept nodding off at my desk. I thought I’d never make it until 4PM. On top of that I was getting the feeling of “What am I doing here”? The kids are getting used to me. They still “love” me, but I don’t think they’re as fascinated by me. They don’t stare at me with adoration any more. Actually, a few of the girls still do and that’s cute, but overall it’s calmed down. I can lift my head in the lunchroom and there is no one staring at me which is good.

My class is boring. When I use the textbook and teacher’s guide I can just tell that I don’t have the interest of more than half the class. I try to spruce it up. I use different inflections in my voice, I throw in jokes, I pick out kids who are in space somewhere and start waving madly at them. I try and entertain. I don’t know if it’s me, the book, or the fact that I have come to realize that more than half of each class is far below average in what they should know.

In class Friday afternoon I wanted some volunteers to read out loud. Usually I’m extremely lucky if I get a volunteer (these are usually the super bright kids), but most of the time I have to pick them at random. So that’s what I did. The first kid I picked wouldn’t read. I asked him if he could read English. I had it translated into Korean so there would be no understanding. He couldn’t read. They have been studying English for 4 ½ years. It’s easy to read. Reading doesn’t mean you understand, it just means the letters make words you can say. So I picked someone else and I had the same problem. So I did a quick walk around the class asking each student if they could read or not. Out of 40 kids in the class, 23 said they could read and 17 said they couldn’t. I then asked one of the 23 who said they could read, to read. Guess what? He couldn’t. He lied. So that’s 22/40 who can read and 18/40 who can’t read. That’s 45%. How absolutely depressing.

I reporting my finding to Min Kyung after class and she couldn’t believe it. She had a boatload of excuses. Maybe the kids didn’t know what I was asking them. I told her that it was translated into Korean. Maybe the kids are nervous in front of me. I explained to her that there is the look of embarrassment the student may have, and there’s the deer caught in the headlights look that these kids had. I made it clear to her that in no way did I think this was her fault. I said it’s the fault of the school system. Forty kids in a class is way too much. Every student passes. No one fails. And the school board only cares if you finish the assigned textbook. It doesn’t matter if the student knows nothing, if the book is finished then things are good.

I told Min Kyung that we needed to do something as this was terrible. She asked if I would teach the weaker students at 3PM. 3PM to 4PM is considered after hours. They still have classes so I really don’t understand how it’s after hours. I’m at school until 4PM so I told her, “why not”? She said she thought I was only interested in teaching the good students. Min Kyung is not a bad person. She’s just in over her head, she shouldn’t be an English teacher, and she pays no attention to what I say and do. I told her that I’m here for all the kids, not just the best ones. Of course it’s more fun to work with the better students but it’s terrible to ignore those that need help.

So I think after the summer break I’ll do a basic reading and phonics course for those that know nothing. I am not happy with the results the school system has achieved with a lot of these kids.

I think today I felt like I was swimming upstream and losing the battle. I don’t have an experienced English teacher who I’m working with that I could maybe get a few pointers from. I can’t spend time in the class with the poor students because I’ll lose the good and average ones. So I suppose I let the poor ones go like all their other teachers have done. I feel like a bad person just writing that but you can’t serve everyone equally.

There are a lot of positives in being a teacher. But sometimes when you sit back and look at the reality of the class, it can be depressing.

So I came home from school today and went to sleep. I haven’t done that yet but I needed the nap. Did I wake up feeling better? Let’s just say I wasn’t as tired. What’s it all about? I hate when I start thinking like this. There’s no answer. I don’t understand life or the purpose of it. I’ve spent a lot of times over the years thinking about it, and I’ve gotten nowhere. I think I’m a better person and a wiser person than I used to be, but I still can’t answer the big questions.

Why am I here? Did I really come here for an “adventure”? Did I come here to run away from real life, whatever real life is? Did I come here because I couldn’t think of anything better to do? Is this just a bad day? And who the hell do I discuss all this crap with? A keyboard? The keyboard doesn’t hold the answers and I don’t know that anyone does. I just have to find my own answers but I never will. I’ll waffle between some sort of “happy” state where things are fine, and the frustration and despair of not understanding life.

I added something new to my dinner repertoire. Tonight it was grilled salmon and boiled new potatoes. How cool. I’m glad I’m actually using the oven and cooking simple things. Of course, if I liked sweet potato and corn on my pizza I might order pizza once in a while, but that’s not going to happen.

I really hope my mood is better tomorrow. I really can’t stand feeling like this. I don’t know why this has to happen to me. I’m really sick and tired of these episodes that plague me from time to time in my life.