AND HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

What time is it? What moment in time is it? Does it matter what I say because I may change my mind in a minute. I wish I could stop thinking. I am 2nd guessing myself to the point of distraction. Yes I do believe we’re on the eve of distraction. (At least I’m still funny).

Let’s deal with Saeyoon first. If I didn’t think I loved her, I think I could kill her. Sometimes I think she has foot in mouth disease. I don’t know if it’s the language or just plain inconsideration or what. Sometimes when I call her on something and she says that’s not what she meant, I wonder if that’s true or if she’s using her lack of English to weasel out of things. Or maybe I’m just too sensitive. I got really annoyed Friday night on the phone. She said she didn’t mean something the way I took it. And maybe I’m just so on edge that it’s easy for me to take things the wrong way. I honestly don’t know.

We had plans for Saturday to do some different things and then she was to come over Sunday so I could feed her and get rid of some of my food. She says on the phone that she’s getting her haircut on Sunday. I say, “you were coming for dinner”. She says something to the effect of “we’re seeing each other on Saturday”. I flipped. I hung up on her (not mature of me) and sent her a message that since we saw each other last Saturday, I wouldn’t be appearing this Saturday. Not the most adult way to handle things. She says she didn’t mean it like it sounded.

What bothered me is that here’s this person who wants me to move closer so we can see each other more telling me that they don’t need to see me Sunday because they’re seeing me Saturday. Something doesn’t compute. So of course I start questioning everything I’m doing. It’s no fun driving yourself crazy. I felt it was time for us to have a “come to Jesus” meeting. That’s a little phrase I learned in Texas that I love. It means to sit down and talk about the problems.

As things transpired she was quite ill this weekend so we didn’t see each other and didn’t talk until last night. My upset of Friday seemed trivial and not worth mentioning anymore. She asked me where I was going to move to and I mentioned an area of Seoul. I asked her where she wanted me to move and she said close to her. This is what I choose to believe the truth to be and this is what I want the truth to be.

We are talking here about a person who couldn’t express herself emotionally because it’s not a Korean thing, and she has come so far in expressing her feelings that sometimes it amazes me. I went to a bar on Friday night with John from New Zealand who has a drinking problem I believe. It was a nice time and as we all know, alcohol is a depressant. I had sent Saeyoon a text message from the bar saying I was there and the bartender who remembered her from her visit there said hello. About an hour later the bar owner comes to me and says there is a phone call for me. I thought he was joking but it was Saeyoon calling me on their phone. She was supposed to be out with friends but that fell apart. I’m feeling okay but part of me is feeling very lonely. I feel very lonely these days. She says to me to not be lonely because she’s there with me in my heart. I can’t believe this is the same woman who would never say anything close to that to anyone. It was a very sweet and thoughtful thing to say.

Last night on the phone I mentioned that I am all alone here in Korea and sometimes it’s difficult. She was saying how lucky she was to have her mother to take care of her while she was sick this weekend. She told me that if I was ever sick I’m to call her and she’d take a taxi right over to come and take care of me. So where is the reality and where does my insecurity end? I know when I write these things it might not seem like much, but it truly is a big deal because of who she is and how she is opening herself up.

Sometimes I despair of anything ever coming of this, and other times I think that it would be so wonderful and that we are a good match. I wish she’d live with me because you never really know a person until you live with them. My situation is I’m tired of living alone, I’ve found someone I care for very much, and I want to see where it is going. I want to know if we could live together. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. It’s one of those crazy Korean things that I have to accept and not understand. But what’s stupid about it is that it would be good for her. She’d leave her mother (finally) and she’d see whether she could tolerate me which at times is no easy task.

I looked through my apartment yesterday and I don’t think moving by car will be a big deal. That was a relief. What’s not a relief is knowing I’m moving on Sunday and not having a place to live yet. I hope Kyle (the new boss) knows what he’s doing. I don’t think I’d be happy living in my car. I’m meeting him tonight to sign the contract. Why? I don’t know. These contracts are meaningless.

I was talking to Min Kyung a little earlier and she commented how much more happy and at peace I seemed since I resigned. She was right. I wanted to tell her that I’m not leaving Korea but I didn’t. I just said it’s no one’s business what I do next. She asked me about Saeyoon and I just said Saeyoon knows what I’m doing but that’s it. Min Kyung then asked me if Saeyoon was staying in Korea and I said yes. I don’t like lying about this, and I think it makes me sound bad. It sounds like I could easily walk away from someone I professed to care a great deal about. But I kept my mouth shut.

I haven’t told any of the kids I’m leaving. What’s the point? I look at them a little closer now and I think that I like so many of them. Of course there are many I could do without quite easily. I feel that I’ve made some “friends” among the students even through the language barrier. I really am sorry it didn’t work out here. Nice kids who don’t want to learn English and talk too much. Nice city with clean air. Beautiful apartment. I honestly wish it could have worked.