THERE’S NOTHING LIKE WRITING WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN

Actually there are lots of things and I have no idea why I write when I feel low, but here I am again. Do I want sympathy? No, I don’t. I just want some peace of mind and stability in my life. And adventure. Are these things at cross purposes? Beats me. I’m just trying but I don’t know the rules and am just fumbling my way around.

On a positive note a boy brought me a sandwich yesterday. He usually delivers them just after I finish my lunch (cheese and an apple) but yesterday he came by early so I’d get it. It was a meat and cheese sandwich and I think he’s more than fulfilled any obligation he or his family felt for my helping him with his speech. This is the Korea I love. These are the kids I love. Things like this are good and make everything seem wonderful.

I think Min Kyung and I have buried the hatchet. We’re not really talking but we’re being civil when we have to be. We practiced for our open class tomorrow (teachers and the principal can come and watch) and it went well. I don’t approve of Korean in the classroom but I have come to the realization that to be practical you have to let some in. It went well and the class moved quicker. Those that can understand some English will understand what I say. Those that can’t understand will probably never understand so why not pretend to teach them and speak Korean. In other words, I give up.

My mind has been turning back and forth and in circles trying to figure out what to do. The intellectual side of me says it’s time to move on and try another experience. Mongolia would be great but there are too many negatives, the biggest one being that it would be several months’ salary to fly to North America. As most everyone knows, money has never been a motivating factor for me, and it slips out of my hands anyhow. I am seriously looking at China. I need to stop waffling and do something.

The intellectual side of me says that regardless of how I feel emotionally about Saeyoon, there is no future there. She is too immature and indecisive about everything. I can picture myself in a year still waiting for her to make up her mind about how she feels and if she thinks we have a future. It changes from “I love you” to “I like you” to “I think I love you” and things like that. Korean parents do such a disservice to their children by not pushing them out of the nest by the time they are 25. How is the person to grow?

I sent her a nice little message yesterday afternoon. Just a nice thing to say to someone and the reply I got was this. “I think I love you too but it’s not as much as I wanna get married with (not as much as my mom)”. This set me off and got me thinking seriously. First off, no one has asked anyone to marry them, so why mention that? Then what does her mother have to do with anything? I love my mother more. I love my kids more. I would never say that to anyone I was serious about and the love is totally different. It’s just immature and stupid to say something like that.

It’s like she’s two people. She’s a woman I care a great deal about with a kind and thoughtful heart, and she’s this immature little kid who doesn’t seem to want to grow up. And I can’t wait forever. I want something stable with someone who I can count on. When I got her message yesterday my sarcastic side (I still have it) took over. I told her that no one asked her to marry them and I wouldn’t ask, so why mention it. Then I told her to go marry her mother and live happily ever after with her. She didn’t like that. I really need to curb my sarcasm at times.

So now I’m really trying very hard to decide should I stay or should I go. If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double. And I feel rushed to make a final decision because I have 2 jobs here on the fire. China has so many jobs and it would be a totally new experience. I’ve been perusing the boards this morning and have sent out some resumes. They get back to you very quickly. If I go part of it will be running away. I know that I could flog the Saeyoon scenario to death with my trying to see if it goes, and going crazy when she’s immature. If I’m not here it’s out of sight, out of mind. And what is there in Korea for me? Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

To be honest, I really wanted it to work out. There is a part of me she touches but as was once told to me, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. And that’s true. I’m 51 and I don’t want to be alone. I won’t settle for anyone, but I won’t wait too long for anyone either. I don’t have all the years left that I once had. I think I have this thing for Oriental women. It’s their manners, their politeness, their respect for family, plus they’re pretty. I was brought up with excellent manners so I appreciate things like that. Am I looking for an Oriental girl friend/wife? No. But I’m open to anything and we never know when or where lightening strikes.

I figure if I say it’s over enough times, I’ll actually believe it and be able to move on. I haven’t discussed these things with Saeyoon yet although I’ve mentioned them before. She’ll tell me she can’t live without me which is not true. It’s not enough to say things like that; you have to take action to make the relationship stick. But as she lives in fear of relationships and is unsure of everything, it can’t work. She’s come a long way but I guess it’s not enough or quick enough for me. I have to make life decisions here, and I don’t want to factor in anything that isn’t going to happen. I’m just so tired of it, and part of me is filled with disappointment. I have no regrets because it’s good to feel deeply about a person. But it’s not enough. Relationships change with time. If you’re lucky the kind of love changes and it’s even stronger, and the little things that bother you that aren’t important, stay unimportant and they don’t bother you. But if they are big issues that you’re just sweeping under the rug, then you are headed for big trouble down the road.

The three girls who have been visiting me at lunch came in again today as I was eating my apple. They told me that eating an apple is good for your skin. I didn’t know that. One of the girls was hit on her hand with a stick by Min Kyung for not doing her homework and it was hurting her. Of course I was disgusted and told them that it’s wrong to hit students. They agreed but asked me to not tell anyone they told me. Of course I agreed but I’d like to whack Min Kyung upside the head with a stick. Stupid, ignorant cow. So I went into my speech that if a teacher ever would have hit my kids in school I’d beat them with a baseball bat. That led to my showing some old pictures of Elana and Leah on my IPOD. Then I remembered Leah’s site so I dug up some more pictures. Naturally they think my kids are gorgeous (which they are). I was looking through some of Leah’s wedding pictures and I came very close to crying. Everyone looked so happy and her and Taylor look like they’re in heaven. I was feeling very jealous. I miss my kids. I hope they’re happy and stay happy and don’t take after me in the way that I’m never totally satisfied or at peace.

So the tutoring job called me back and it seems he can work out the schedule to what I said would work for me. He said he’d be finished in a few hours and call me back. Shit. I want a few days to think about this. I know it will mean I’ve quit 2 jobs in Korea, but I took them with the full intention of fulfilling my one year contract. However, if I’m not happy then what’s the point? If I take this job, Saeyoon or not, I have to be willing to give it a go. Leaving Saeyoon out of the equation, I’d still be living in Seoul which means more fast food choices. (That was a joke). If I date again, I won’t have to travel 2 hours to get there. It’s a new kind of experience. Or am I just trying to talk myself into it. My confidence level, never very high to begin with, is at a low point. I almost want someone to tell me what to do and I usually never want anyone to tell me what to do. As much as I miss my family I really don’t want to go back to North America. It’s not as interesting as living in new countries, the job market for what I can do is limited and not as interesting as banging my head against the wall trying to communicate with kids. However, I like the effort and I appreciate the small inroads I make. Sometimes it’s a very interesting life I have and I’ve had lots of interesting experiences. Those are valuable. But on the negative side, your experiences won’t remember you when you’re dead. You can’t snuggle up to your experiences at night. You can’t talk to them. It’s hell when you can take both sides of an argument at times.

I’m online talking to a woman about a high school in Wenzhou, China. It pays twice as much as a University. I have no idea why Universities pay so lousy in China. I’m communicating with another woman online who offered me a job and I asked if it was possible to up the salary. She is going to talk to her boss. That place is a University that is near the border of Mongolia and Russia. Things like that excite me.

Okay, rereading what I wrote I think it’s obvious I want to try a new country. I’m far from a Korean expert but I have no desire to be one. I don’t like the schools. I don’t like the hitting. I don’t like the dictator powers of the principal. Would someplace else be better? I don’t know, but I won’t know if I don’t try it. I can do these things and most other people can’t do them. If they were in a position to be able to do them, they wouldn’t. Sometimes, in all honesty, I wonder if I did the right thing. I know I wasn’t in my right mind back in April of 2004 and I have no idea what have transpired if I was. But as Laura reminds me, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube (or something like that). Something was wrong for me back in Tyler and hindsight being 20-20, I wish I would have had the brains to figure it out on my own instead of the way I did things.

So as I said I’m talking to this woman recruiter in China online. What a pleasurable experience. She’s 23 (I thought she was older) and it’s interesting to hear her talk about how things are there. It’s similar to Korea in many ways. Many unmarried women still live with their parents, but also many people are starting to live with each other against their parent’s wishes. I know I’m probably talking to a well-educated and smart person (her English is excellent) but it makes me feel good. It’s so interesting.

In a way it’s also very pathetic, this search for something that I don’t know I’m searching for. Do people really think they’ve figured out life, or do they just not think about it too much and go about their way. I’ve always thought too much about it. The anti-depressants keep it manageable but if it weren’t for them, I’d be a mess. Sometimes I just want to lay down on the floor and cry, but I can’t because of the drugs. That’s a good thing because without them I’d be crying all the time. I am trying to stay optimistic that there is a good future ahead for me somewhere. I’m not evil. I’m not saying I deserve a good future, but I’m not a bad person so that gives me more of a chance at having a good future.

If I go to China then I’m alone. But I know I’ll be alone and I’ll be able to accept that. It’s here that I shouldn’t be alone. If I was in a “normal” Western relationship we’d be living together and seeing how things went. I don’t even know if it’s a cultural thing that prohibits it. I know that’s the excuse but maybe it’s just the immaturity. Why can’t you go against some cultural things that you know are just plain “wrong” for you as a person? I suppose you have to be strong to do that.

As you see things seem to be changing minute to minute for me. Who knows what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll have to do a supplemental entry tonight.