A HOLDING PATTERN

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. I’m just waiting for something to break one way or another. I don’t like being like this. What am I doing? Waiting for a miracle? I feel that I have to sit back, relax and just wait and see. That’s so hard to do. Sometimes I lack patience. And you never know if you’re doing the right thing until you’re done and you see the results.

I sometimes feel like Mary in Jesus Christ Superstar. “I never thought I’d come to this, what’s it all about”? I have my doubts whether I’m doing the right thing by just waiting to see what happens. Sometimes I think I’m going to get burned and I have to remind myself that if I do, it’s not the end of the world. I have to remind myself to trust even when I have doubts about whether my trust is misplaced. Sometimes in life you wonder if things are as we see them, or as we want to see them.

It’s difficult to not be in control. I don’t have to control everything, and I don’t want to control everything. But it’s also difficult to wait for others to be in the same place and mindset as you are. There has to be a time limit and I have no idea how long that should be. I know it should be longer than I would like because I want to know things now.

It seems that my mind is mostly on one thing. In many ways it’s like being a teenager again, and who in their right mind wants to be a teenager again? Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I feel like I’ve had these feelings of anxiousness before. It’s kind of strange to be 50 and have the feelings of a 17 year old.

I don’t want to drive myself crazy, which I am quite capable of doing. I’m so on edge that I feel I could shatter at any moment. I can feel my nerve endings. Why am I putting myself through this? Is this how it’s supposed to be during this stage of a relationship? Sometimes I just want to pick up and run away from it all. But would that do me any good, and is this just how things work out. I don’t know as this is all so new to me as an adult.

What do I lose by being patient? If I can keep my nerves together, then I really don’t lose anything. If I leave Korea I don’t think it would be to go back to North America yet. There are so many places to experience in the world. I really don’t have to leave tomorrow to go to them. I can wait. I keep telling myself I can wait. Some people like to jump out of airplanes for excitement. I just like to screw around with my life for excitement. Part of me wants some stability. I think I’m ready for it. I don’t know if I was before even though I had stability. It’s all so confusing to sort out.

I’m lonely. I’m insecure. I’m on edge. I don’t like being like this. I don’t know what to do. It’s either wait for a couple of months and see, or just take off. A couple of months is not a long time, but it is forever when you feel as I do.