KNOW WHEN TO HOLD AND WHEN TO FOLD

I’ll hold. Can I say with the utmost confidence that it’s the right thing to do? No, I can’t. It’s a hunch. It’s a feeling. It’s a hope. It’s a dream. It’s emotion. It’s a bunch of things. You never really know if you did the right thing until after it’s done and you see the results. But this isn’t an intellectual exercise, but more of an emotional one. Sometimes love is not enough. I know that. And sometimes a horse with stripes is really a zebra. And sometimes you eventually run out of clichés.

Saeyoon and I had a good talk yesterday. It was calm. It was reasonable even when we don’t exactly see eye to eye. We reached a compromise on certain positions. I believe I can live with it for now, and it makes her happy. She can live with it. Accepting this compromise means that we stay together and I’m putting trust in what she tells me. I never really gave a lot of thought before about how much a person needs to trust someone. You want people in your life who you trust and can depend on. I know that if you trust, you can get burned. But if you don’t trust, you don’t get anything. So I choose to trust.

This means I stay in Korea. This means that I see where it all goes. I may moan from time to time, I may have doubts, I may complain, but the fact of the matter is that I just care too damn much to pack it in. It’s really weird. I can harden my heart but when I see her I just melt. Something reaches into the depths of me and fills me with a warmth. I love that feeling. I cannot deny that she makes me smile both inside and outside. I can get annoyed and frustrated but the feeling of warmth and happiness makes it worth seeing this through for me. (I reserve the right to change my mind at any second.)

We do have our little disagreements and tiffs, but we resolve them. That’s a good sign. I think to a certain extent we bring out something in each other that’s good and makes us be better people. I know I’m learning (and it isn’t easy) acceptance without understanding. I used to think I had to understand everything in order to accept it and be content with it. I’ve changed. I’m not saying I can accept anything, but I can accept something that’s important to someone even if it’s beyond my comprehension.

When I step back and look at it, it’s just so strange. Who would have thunk it? Certainly not me.

I’m back in school after 6 days of basically doing nothing. They were a pretty horrible six days. I’ve grown attached to Dunkin Donuts coffee and that’s the best of the six days. I did watch “One Eyed Jacks”, a 1961 western directed by and starring Marlon Brando. I loved it. He was so talented.

I watched the movie version of “Rent”. I’m sure the play was better because I hated the movie. I hated the story. I hated the songs. I thought it was idiotic and lame. I love musicals but this was among the worst of all time.

I watched the 1940 classic, “The Letter”, with Bette Davis. I must say that Bette Davis sure has Bette Davis eyes. It was fabulous. She’s great. It was based on a Somerset Maughm story and it was first-rate melodrama. I recommend this for all viewers.

They are going to be mad at me again on Wednesday here at school. I have a doctor’s appointment and they’re not thrilled when I do. Too bad. I go once a month for a blood test that I should go for once a month. I do admit I’d rather have a needle stuck in my arm then be here at this school. I believe I will venture in Seoul afterwards for dinner with Saeyoon. Since we ate at Burger King last night (mmmn) I guess I have to let her choose on Wednesday. It’s fair.

Thursday night we’re going to a concert. She’s quite excited about it. I think it’s Double Bass, whatever that is. Having a relationship with a classical music lover who doesn’t eat meat and prefers Korean food is crazy stuff.

I hope I find a decent job soon. I really want out of here, but I will miss my apartment. I think I’m going to try and get a job closer to Seoul. I’m even willing to live in Seoul. Oh well. As they say, what doesn’t kill me only makes me crazier.