DAMN, BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

All good things seem to come to an end, and so my time away from school is at an end. One of the reasons I haven’t posted since I started vacation time was that I felt no compelling need to write. Most of my writing is venting, and I had nothing to vent about. Sometimes I write about some insight I might have stumbled upon, but that didn’t happen. I know that most of what I write sounds depressing and makes one wonder why I’m here. I’m sure it’s not as bad as I may make it sound because I don’t think I’m stupid enough to be here just because. I hope I know when to hold, and when to fold.

I had a text message (Korean’s love text messaging on their phones) from Min Kyung (other English teacher) on Saturday afternoon telling me to be at school on Monday because my vacation was over. I knew classes didn’t start until Tuesday but I can’t say I was surprised by the message. What I really thought would happen is that I wouldn’t go on Monday and I’d get a call asking why I wasn’t there. Because there is no school, that’s why.

I went to the school yesterday (Monday) and they let me go at noon. Why did I have to go? I don’t know. I honestly feel it’s just to let me know that they are the master and I’m the slave. Maybe I’m paranoid. I feel that there is some prejudice against me as a foreigner. I think the principal and the vice-principal really don’t like me for no other reason than I’m not a Korean. Neither of them has ever gone out of their way to make me feel welcome, or an equal member of the staff. Maybe they’re afraid of me because they don’t speak English but I don’t know. Maybe they just think that only Korean things are good and everything and everyone else outside of Korea is no good. But the fact is that I don’t feel comfortable with them and feel a bit of prejudice.

As soon as I got to school yesterday Min Kyung started in on me. As you know, I didn’t start summer vacation with the best of feelings towards her. In fact, I’d about had it with her. It’s difficult to work with someone you have no respect for, and feel is an imbecile. She started with the news from the vice principal that she was to pass on to me. Now, I feel bad for her that she’s stuck in the middle so I forgive her that aggravation. But she does things that just annoy me and make me forget any difficulties she might have being in the middle.

It seems the vice principal saw me sleeping while showing the kids a movie again. I know that it’s wrong of me, and I don’t do it on purpose. Sometimes when you watch the “Wizard of Oz” for the 25th time you fall asleep but that’s no excuse. I was wrong. So Min Kyung told me the vice principal was angry about that. I apologized and told her I knew I was wrong and had no excuse. Then she told me he was angry I fell asleep. During the course of our conversation she told me no less than 10 times. I almost had to yell at her to shut up, I heard her the first time and she didn’t have to keep telling me.

Then she told me the vice principal was very angry with me because when I would leave camp for the day, I didn’t come and say goodbye to him. Apparently that’s the proper thing to do here. But guess what? I didn’t know that and no one had told me so I had no idea. I told her I didn’t do it to be disrespectful but that I didn’t know. She told me again he was very angry and I told her again that I can’t do things I’m supposed to if I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Then Min Kyung and the vice principal were angry with me because I didn’t have the kids clean the classroom after camp. I told her that I didn’t know I was supposed to be the cleaning supervisor and she informed me that I should have known because it’s common sense. How do you talk to these people who think the world revolves around Korea and that all things Korean are the way the rest of the world works? It’s not just Americans who think the world revolves around them. I told her that in North America the kids don’t clean the school, but that janitors are employed for that. I told her again that if no one tells me what I need to do, then it won’t be done. They can’t assume that I’m some Korean expert who knows all the customs and all the acceptable things to do. How can these people be so stupid? I’ve met so many wonderful Korean people that dealing with people like the vice principal and Min Kyung is such a shock because of what I’m used to.

Min Kyung then went on with how busy she was, how stressed she is, and how she doesn’t have the time to discuss things with me. I told her that her and I had a serious problem. I told her that she doesn’t listen to what I tell her, and she doesn’t understand what I say to her. She then asked me why I’m in Korea if I hated it so much. You see, with Min Kyung, if I say that I don’t like that some teachers hit children, to her ears it means that the Korean school system is terrible. I tried to explain (just like talking to a child) that there are good things and bad things in Korea just like anywhere else. I have found many more good things in Korea than bad things. I don’t love everything, and I’m entitled to my opinion. If I mention an incident that disturbs me or I think it is wrong it doesn’t mean the country is crap. I told her I wouldn’t be here if I thought Korea was terrible.

Did she understand? I don’t know. It appears she did but I wouldn’t count on it. Our little discussion ended with us agreeing that we needed to get along. I said that we should have a new start with the new semester and she agreed. I stuck out my hand for a handshake and she shook on it. So I’ll put everything behind me, and start again with her. I must try to get along (and I believe I do), because I don’t want them to “win” and chase me away. They don’t represent Korea. Korea is a country in transition. The younger people are more forthcoming and open and there are the older ones stuck in the old ways that don’t work. I figure I’m smarter than them, more tolerant than them, and a better person than them. Therefore if I leave it won’t be because of a few jerks but because I don’t like what I’m doing.

I also got one more piece of news which contributes to my feeling of prejudice. I had a desk in the teacher’s room where I sat when I wasn’t teaching. I was told that I was losing the desk and I was to stay in my classroom when I’m not teaching. The reason I was given was that students would more easily come and talk to me than if I was in the teacher’s room. Do I believe that? No, not really. I think it’s just segregating the foreigner from the pure Koreans. Maybe I’m crazy but if I ran a place that “invited” a foreigner to come and work with them, I would be sure to integrate the foreigner as much as possible. I wouldn’t want to segregate them. But what do I know? I’m only the ignorant foreigner.

I know not all principals and vice principals are like this. I’m sure there are some who understand that with the foreigner comes the opportunity to learn something of another culture and maybe pick up one or two things about a better way to do things. However, this is not my school’s situation and it’s the one I’m stuck with.

I told Min Kyung that I’m canceling my offer to teach the weak students from 3 to 4 in the afternoon. I thought about it and as much as I want to help, I can’t do it. I have not reached that level of patience and understanding that would allow me to succeed so it’s better if I just didn’t try. I wish I could, but it’s important that I know my limitations.

I did offer to do a theater program in that time. I told her that I had directed plays (many years ago) in English while in Israel. I told her it would be a wonderful opportunity for the students and it could also bring prestige to the school by putting on a production in English for other schools. She will show it to the “bosses” but I know it isn’t going to happen. She was already starting with the excuses why they won’t do it (none of which made sense) and since she’s my mouthpiece, it won’t be the best sales pitch. Not to mention I’m dealing with 2 backward people with no vision outside their tunnel vision. I think it would be so good, and I’m prepared to put the effort in to make it work. I gave it a lot of thought before offering and I know it could work. It’s a shame because the students who would participate would have a unique and wonderful experience.

So I hung out in my cage today. I had no classes until 1:20PM so I slept and read in a room all by myself. I went to my first class not expecting much and the kids didn’t let me down. They were either talking or non-responsive. I didn’t lose my patience. I’d just shake my head and laugh a bit. Finally I just told them to do whatever they wanted because I was through with them for the day. I gave them homework which I never do. But I gave out what we were going to do in class. At the end of the class some of the kids gave out the standard, “nice to see you” and I replied that it wasn’t nice to see them and I had a terrible time with them. I always have a smile for them, I’m always friendly, I have a decent amount of patience, but I’m not going to lie to them. I won’t pretend it was a pleasure to spend time with them, when it wasn’t.

My other class today was fine. They did the assignment in class so no homework for them. The school got some new students over the vacation period so my 2 classes today had 47 students in each. It’s almost impossible to teach 47 13 year olds at once. They will make new classes but I’m told that it will take 3 to 4 weeks. Why? I don’t know. But no one has ever accused this school of being organized.

I’m going to have to come up with a strategy on how to teach in a way that some kids learn something and I don’t lose my good humor or sanity. I find it difficult to come to grips with and reconcile that I have some wonderful children that are a joy to talk to and be with, and have others that I would shed no tears over if they were thrown into the fires of hell. And of course a big problem is that the bad and talkative students stop the good students from learning because I won’t talk when others are talking. I’ve been wrestling with this dilemma since coming to Korea and I’ve made no headway. I’m going to have to because I don’t just want to be in class going through the motions.

One girl who entered an English speech competition in the city won it. I worked with her a couple of days and she’s a bright and intelligent girl. I congratulated her and she said it was because of my help. That was more than generous of her to say, and I’m sure it isn’t true. I told her it wasn’t me, it was all her and her brain. I asked her how many contestants there were and she told me there were 18. So good for her. I probably played a tiny part in preparing her but I felt great for her and grateful for the small part I played. See, there are good things. It’s not all bad.

So here I am in the 2nd half of my life in this place called Korea living with some strange and wonderful people. I got a birthday card from my mother today and in it she wrote, “Maybe now that you are going into your second half, you will know what you want to do. Please Martin start taking things seriously, we love you so”. I only wish Mom, I only wish. She also wrote other things the likes of which I have never seen on a card from her or really ever talked about. The mail comes first thing in the morning so I had a good cry while getting in my car this morning. Needless to say, these things have been on my mind all day and I wish I could just snap my fingers and a wonderful life full of love would just happen. But I’ve tried it and it doesn’t just happen. She also signed the card from her and my father so that got me crying also. However, I know she speaks for both of them so it’s only right that she signed it from mom and dad.

The weather has cooled a bit and I’ve managed a few nights without the fan on. You have to be careful of having the fan on because you’re at risk of “fan death”. I’m not joking. Koreans believe that if you go to sleep with the fan on in a room with the windows shut, you’ll die. I asked a couple of them about it and if they thought it was real and they assured me it was. I would just laugh. They would tell me that they heard it on the news, and I’d laugh more. I was laughing so much and they’re going, “what? It isn’t true?” I just told them that we should both go to sleep in the same room with the windows shut and the fan on, and in the morning I’ll wake up but they’ll be dead because they’re Korean. They did think that was funny. Fan death. What a place.

Here is what I look like standing on the beach on the east coast of Korea. I’m getting older but not taller and I have no more hair than I did a year ago. And I wanted height and hair for my birthday.