WHAT SHALL I COMPLAIN ABOUT TODAY?

If you think reading this is tedious at times, think about what I go through not just writing this stuff, but living it. It can’t be as bad as I make it out to be at times, can it? I don’t think I’m that stupid that I would stay somewhere I don’t have to stay unless I felt I was getting more pleasure than aggravation out of it. Would I? Whom I kidding? I would probably stay some place I wasn’t getting enough enjoyment out of, just because I have no place else offering me an exciting alternative. The worst part of being here is not seeing Elana and Leah. If they were younger, I’d be in America (or wherever they are). But they’re older and my physical presence is not required although maybe desired occasionally. I could be in Southern Ontario providing my presence and support to my mother and sister but I honestly feel that living there would make me miserable and life unbearable. So that’s the big guilt I live with. I keep thinking I’m going to be 51 and that sounds so old. I don’t feel 51. 51 used to be old. I still feel like I could be working for fifty more years (at what, I don’t know and I don’t want to work). I feel that I could father a child because I was/am pretty good at being a father. Of course, that’s just my viewpoint. Only 2 people really get a vote on that. I could see myself with a young child, but I can’t see myself at 70 with a teenager. I’ve always thought it was kind of sad for teenagers to have senior citizen parents. I suppose the same things could hold true at 70 as they do at 50, and that being the truth that you really are as old as you feel you want to be. Of course, there is the question of who would be the mother of this child. No one has filled out an application form yet.

Without humor, no matter how warped or sick it may be, I’m lost.

Camp was deadly today. I couldn’t get across the concept of making a movie. Things like coming up with ideas and writing dialogue. So there will be no movie-making with this group. I was really hoping they would catch on but it’s not happening. I’m using more Korean translation than I ever have. I have an electronic dictionary so I look up the word in the dictionary and I write the Korean and the English on the board. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I cannot believe I have sunk to this point. The movie was a big part of the week, requiring more than one day to do everything. With that gone, I have more hours to fill with me getting frustrated.

I did release some frustration today in a way that didn’t offend the kids. I hid behind the white board in class at one point, and let out a huge scream. It released some of my tension and the kids thought it was funny. So that works because they don’t get hurt by me appearing too disdainful of their puny brains.

Today’s tough question that took me a half hour to get across to them was, “where do you live?” I don’t know. Maybe it’s me and they just don’t understand what I’m saying. I speak slowly. I speak clearly. I’ve never had a problem having some kids understand within the group, but these students have defeated me. At the first break (and when I announce it’s break I have to tell them to stand up and get lost), I went into the teacher’s room. Mankee (or maybe it’s Mangi, who knows) was there. He’s on duty this week manning the teacher’s room to answer questions from anyone who might wander in. I was going on and on about how this was the worst group I’d ever seen and I was not prepared for them. He went into his bag and pulled out a simple English book of Aesop’s fables. It had a Korean translation of everything. I was quite surprised and asked him how he happened to have this with him as he’s a science teacher. He said it was his girlfriend’s who teaches at an English academy. Of course, that doesn’t explain why he had it, but it would have been too much work to find out the answer to that. So I used the book. I was killing time. I would read the short story and then make every kid read out loud. There are exercises in it that any idiot can do so we did them. Unfortunately there aren’t enough of them.

I told them that tomorrow we would do “show and tell”. That was a joy explaining that to them. I used Korean to explain what it was but I’m not sure if they understood. They’re all supposed to bring something in to class. My guess is that maybe 2 or 3 will bring something in. Three more days of them. I have 2 hours that the “Wizard of Oz” will take care of, and 2 hours that baking cookies will take care of. That leaves my eight hours to kill. I want this week over. Now!

When class finished I went into the teacher’s room and spent about an hour just chatting with Mankee. He has the terribly annoying habit like most Korean’s I know of answering a question with “maybe”. I asked him what day that school resumed after summer vacation. His answer was, “maybe August 21st”. I said, “forget maybe. It’s a yes or no question”. I then went into my rant on Korean’s saying “maybe”. He agreed that they do as they are not likely to be exact about anything. However, he told me that it really was maybe because he wasn’t sure. One of the problems at our school is that they are very disorganized. When I asked him if he liked teaching there, he shrugged his shoulders and said it’s too disorganized. I then said it’s the principal’s fault because he’s the boss. He said, “maybe” because I guess it would be treason to accuse the principal of being human.

He asked another teacher who was there when school resumes. She knew so there was a definite answer. It was August 22nd so I’m glad I asked because I thought it was the 21st and I would have been there. What a place. I guess Mankee would have been there too. The teacher he asked then was asking him questions about me. I could tell from certain words what she was asking. It was things like where was I from. I heard him say Toronto so I told her in English that I’d lived the last 10 years in Texas before Korea and Mankee repeated it in Korean in case she didn’t understand.

I asked Mankee how long he’s been going out with his girlfriend and he told me a year and a half. No maybe. He knew that. I was impressed. So I was interested to know if it was like America where people would ask him, “when are you two getting married?” I think he said it was like that in Korea. He thought I was asking him that (I told him I wasn’t) and he said, “maybe February”. February is only 6 months away so I asked him how long it takes to plan a wedding. In America people start planning almost a year away from the event. He didn’t really answer that. It was “maybe February. I don’t know.” Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I came home and was looking on the Internet for places to go on my vacation. Going on vacation in the summer sucks. Too many people on vacation. It’s high season. It’s expensive. But I don’t have a choice. If I did, I’d be going in the fall. I don’t want to spend the extra money but I can live with that. It’s the idea of crowds that bothers me more. I guess there is a downside to teacher’s vacations. Everyone is jealous of all the time off they get, but then they have to travel (if they want) during the busy times.

You know, I could go on and on in circles about the things running around inside my head but I tell myself there’s no point. It doesn’t go anywhere or solve anything. I truly do wish at times I was empty-headed, instead of just a plain old fool.