MAYBE I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING

I went to the agency and signed on for the Yangpyeong job on Friday. That’s the country job. It wasn’t an easy decision and one I have serious reservations about. Being isolated doesn’t bother me at the moment considering I’ve been living with others for 6 weeks, but how will I feel in a month or two? Sometimes you take your chances and I know the Ilsan job is as good as it gets for non-public school jobs without evening hours. I just know I wouldn’t last so I won’t take that.

On Friday morning Saeyoon gave me a note telling me not to take the Yangpyeong job. It’s too far. She told me her mother didn’t agree. Her mother said it’s only an hour away and if you don’t want to teach elementary kids, you shouldn’t. That makes some sense. Her mother served me vegetables and potatoes for breakfast and said potatoes grow in Yangpyeong so I should save some money, buy a farm, and grow potatoes. Hmmn, I don’t think so.

I went to work at the Ilsan job Friday and the time just dragged and dragged. That let me know I was right to not take it. I lose patience if I don’t like doing what I’m doing, and that’s not good for a teacher to do.

On Saturday I was going to move out to an apartment that the employment agency has available. I was going to live there until the end of the month. I want some privacy. However I’m picky so I decided to pack my things for a couple of weeks, and if the apartment was fine when I looked at it, I’d stay. If not, I’d come back here to Saeyoon’s. I told Saeyoon Saturday morning (before she went to her classes) that I wished her well and I would call later in the week to make sure it was convenient for her mother when I wanted to come back and organize everything. She said it sounded like I was saying goodbye and I said it was a possibility. She asked me to stay at her house because she was worried about me along with her mother and father. I was very non-committal.

Her father came over and I told him I was taking the Yangpyeong job. He said it was too far and he started to cry. You could have knocked me over with a feather. He said we wouldn’t see each other. This is all beyond my comprehension. It’s a different culture here, and here they believe in “taking care” of each other. In North America we are more independent.

I went to Bucheon with Myung Soo (Saeyoon’s dad) to see the apartment. It was really just a small bedroom with a shower. There is a bathroom for everyone on the floor for the use of a toilet and a sink. There is a washing machine for everyone to share, along with a kitchen. The place was clean but I want a toilet and sink in my room. I said I would think about it and let them know later in the day.

Myung Soo thought I should keep staying with Saeyoon and her mother. I tried to explain how difficult it was for me to be the long-staying guest. I don’t know whether he doesn’t listen or the concept is too foreign. He insisted that Saeyoon’s mother wanted me to say.

Saeyoon came back from her classes and asked me not to move. She said it was too far, she wouldn’t be able to see me easily, and if I needed her she just couldn’t appear in a little while. I told her that she’s too busy for me and that I didn’t really expect her to come and see me once I moved. She shed some tears but didn’t argue with me. I don’t know if she doesn’t contradict me because she thinks I’m right, or it’s just not her way.

It’s so sad. If she would have said to me to not go and pledged to make time for me then I probably wouldn’t be going. She said don’t go, but she didn’t commit to making time for me. She is too busy now, and when she’s not busy she’s exhausted. She has no balance in her life to help her not be exhausted. I believe she doesn’t think about what are the most important things. She’s told me many times that she can’t imagine life without me and I’ve told her she needs to do the things to ensure that doesn’t happen. I told her that I could see her living here with her mother 20 years from now and that was very sad.

I told her I feel that she treats me poorly. I feel like a dog who sits around waiting to be called and then comes running. I told her that I don’t feel that I’m important to her. I know that I am, she just doesn’t know how to behave in a way that lets me feel important. I told her that’s she too thoughtless for me. I also told her I was tired of criticizing her and she was free to do want she wanted. It’s true. You should do what you want. She can say what she wants (you’re important, etc.) but it’s the actions that count.

I didn’t take the apartment in Bucheon. Too small and a shared toilet and sink told me not to. So I shall try and survive my remaining 10 or so days here. Saeyoon went to do some Buddhism thing today and her dad came by. I asked him to order me a pizza (I don’t speak Korean) and he did. He then said he was going to get some lunch and he left me his credit card. I can’t argue. It’s almost like I insult him if I don’t take his money. Yesterday he filled my car with gas.

I met the brother for the first time last night. He’s 35 and stopped by briefly. Our total conversation consisted of a “hello”. I said to Saeyoon, “your brother is a friendly fellow”, and she said he was shy. I just felt he could have made a little more of an effort.

So why do I think I’m doing the right thing? Because I have cold. AGAIN. This is absolutely ridiculous and absurd. I’m coughing, my voice is hoarse, and my body aches. I’ve just stayed in today and have managed to fall down twice. I must get away from this pollution. I have always felt that when I’m not undergoing a serious illness that I’m a reasonably healthy person. Not now. I feel like a sick old man. I don’t like it. I will stick out the country job for a while, breath clean air, and put away some money. Then when I return to North America (who knows for how long), I will be able to afford to buy myself a cup of coffee while I look for work.