NO MORE DECLARITIVE STATEMENTS

I haven’t posted since Tuesday. No one has written or called to see if I’m alive. Am I hurt? Not really. Am I surprised? Not really. So why the long absence from posting you may or may not wonder. Here it is. I’m sick. I have bronchitis. Again. I cough and feel lousy. I’ve been to the doctor 3 times. I’m taking medicine and am hoping it’s on it’s way out.

I had an ear infection, my throat was inflamed, and everything hurt. I wanted codeine, but guess what? Your regular doctor in an office can’t prescribe codeine because it’s a narcotic. As this doctor said, it’s like marijuana. So no cough medicine with codeine and Tylenol number 3’s. I’m managing.

This is now the 2nd time in my life I’ve gotten bronchitis. The first time was back in April in Gwangyang and now here in Bucheon. The doctor said there is a lot of pollution here. The only place I didn’t get it was in Paju. When I got it the first time I remember telling people that if I ever get it again in Korea, I’m gone. It’s my signal that it’s time to leave.

I’m not leaving. Why do I make these declarative statements and then not follow through on them? I know that some of them are stupid and I should never make them but it’s almost like I can’t follow a plan. I say spur of the moment things and then change my mind. Sometimes I say things with good intentions, and sometimes I say things out of frustration or anger. So my new declarative statement is that I’m not making any more declarative statements. Makes sense, right? Why should I bother making sense now.

Work goes on. No challenge and no pain. One boy got upset yesterday. He rushes through the book exercises and makes mistakes. I told him to take his time because he knows this stuff. He took it (he’s 10) that I didn’t like him. That’s what he told his mother. It’s kind of funny because I do like this kid. Kyle phoned me because the mother phoned him and I told Kyle the story. I have a few kids I don’t really care for so if they complain I have no problem, but this kid is okay.

School vacation starts the end of the month until March 1st. I will be working 4 classes on 2 days a week at an English Academy that is a new client. The woman who owns it (Sunny) took some English courses in Canada and she wants to offer her students a special class so it will seem like they’re learning outside of Korea. She asked me if I would teach science and math as well as English. I said, “sure”. I’d love to as it’s something different but I wonder if she thinks the level of her students is much higher than it actually is. I hope not because I’d love to do science with young kids. Sunny has a book of experiments that look like fun. I don’t want to get my hopes up though that things will go smoothly.

Friday night I’m coughing away and I’m just about falling asleep at 1AM and the phone rings. It’s Kyle and he asks if he woke me. I told him “almost”. He apologized but he had a problem. He was in a bar with his girlfriend having a drink and they had a fight. She ran away and she had his wallet in her purse. She wouldn’t answer her phone so he was wondering if he could come over and borrow some money. I said sure. I’m happy to help. So I get up and get dressed and wait for him. And wait. And wait. At 2AM I called him and he tells me that he’s too drunk to drive and his brother will come to him. I must admit I was a little annoyed that he didn’t call and tell me this. I didn’t say anything but it’s the first “rude” thing he’s done. The calling for help at 1AM wasn’t rude. Not calling and canceling was rude. However, I won’t hold it against him. Or as Robert says, I won’t hold it against him. Yet.

Saeyoon had plans to have dinner with the people who work in the same building as her on Friday night. She cancelled to come over and see me. That was very sweet of her. I told her not to but she said it’s what she wanted to do. I love when people do small, sweet things for you.

Earlier in the week a friend of Saeyoon’s invited her to go to a concert of traditional Korean music and fusion with Western music. She asked her friend if she could bring me and her friend said sure. It just so happened the concert was at the cultural center here in Bucheon. First Saeyoon went to a friend’s wedding out of town in the afternoon and then came back. It was a 5 hour round trip so that’s a lot to pack into one day. I pick her up at the subway station and she’s not in a happy mood. She had a fight with a friend of hers at the wedding and she had one of her anger fits. She said she was yelling and screaming and almost throwing things. It literally pains me when I hear these things. I want so badly to help but what can I do except strongly recommend getting help?

We went to the concert and it wasn’t bad. Some of the music sounded like elevator music, some sounded like Jewish prayers, and some were just catchy melodies. Saeyoon knew the band leader from being in a musical group with him years ago so she was chatting with him a bit after the show. I asked Saeyoon to tell him that I enjoyed the show and he told her to thank me. Then he interrupted her and told me himself. “Thank you”. There was also another player in the band who from far away looked like a young John Lennon. I told Saeyoon this and she went up and told him. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, him or me.

We weren’t sitting with her friend so we saw her after the show and she was with her family and they were going out for dinner. We weren’t invited. Weird. I was looking forward to meeting a friend of hers where I wasn’t a “secret”. This is a good friend who knows about me. We will go out another time. I’m interested in meeting her friends. I’ve met one of them and he was a nice guy but hard to get to know because of the language barrier. We have no idea if her friend speaks English. After all, why would one Korean know if another speaks English? They don’t speak English to each other.

We went out to eat and I told her that she really needs to do something about her anger. If she doesn’t do something she’s going to end up alone and friendless, and she’s too good and kind a person for that to happen to. I suggested getting professional help or trying a couple of self-help techniques like a stress ball, or writing what angers you instead of yelling in a diary you keep close at hand. These were Robert’s suggestions and something has to work. She feels such remorse afterwards it’s heart-breaking. It’s really terrible to want to help someone and not be able to.

At the restaurant she asked me (politeness) if she could get a bottle of soju. Soju is a Korean alcoholic beverage that is clear and nasty and loved by all Koreans. I think it’s a form of mother’s milk. I told her that of course I didn’t mind and if I said “don’t get it” and I was her, I’d just tell me to drop dead and walk out. So she drank her bottle of soju (one is enough for inebriation) and then she asked if she could get another. I will admit there are times that it would annoy me a bit (although I wouldn’t say don’t do it) but last night I could see it was almost like medicine. Between the soju and my company she was perking up and it was good to see. I have soju in my apartment so I suggested we just come here and she drink here. I bought it to have in the apartment for her. I don’t like it.

She ended up drinking 2 ½ bottles of the stuff. She stayed up longer than I thought she would and then she fell asleep/passed out on the couch. I thought I’d let her sleep for 15 minutes and then get her up to go home. There was no way to get her up. I know she doesn’t like to stay out all night because she lives with her mother and it’s not nice to just not come home. I let her sleep on the couch. I couldn’t get upstairs to the bed where it’s more comfortable. I just made sure she was covered, took off her glasses, and let her sleep. I went upstairs to sleep and I slept so lightly. I was actually worried that she’d get up in the middle of the night and not know where she was and I wanted to be there if there was any confusion. I don’t think I slept for more than 20 minutes at a time, ever alert for any sound. I couldn’t have been any more alert if my own kids were sick. It’s amazing what we’re capable of when we care. Sometimes I know I’m a good person who can do some really bad things, but it’s nice to see that I can be a good person who can do some really kind things.

She got up at 7 and called my name so I went downstairs. All was well and she was fine with what happened except that her mother was going to be angry with her. I couldn’t hold my tongue and gave my opinion which is that she should tell her mother about me, and then if she doesn’t come home at least her mother will know that everything’s okay. I say that from a parent’s point of view. I know as Westerner’s the whole thing sounds childish and weird, but what can I say. It’s a different culture with different ways of thinking. She’s obviously old enough to stay out all night but at the same time her mother should be at ease if she doesn’t come home. It’s a difficult concept for Koreans but I had to put in my viewpoint. I doubt anything will change, but it would be nice. I’m also not crazy about still being a “secret” after all this time. However, it’s not my family and I can’t sit in judgment and I won’t. I’d just be more comfortable if all was in the open.

We just lazed around for a couple of hours and then went to Starbucks and sat and talked for a while. It was very nice for me. There are times when I feel like we’re on the verge of something. There are times I feel we’re climbing a ladder together. Where it goes, I do not know. It’s just a feeling I get. And then sometimes I think we’re just a little off in our connection. It’s difficult when sometimes you’re so sure of what’s what, and other times you think you may be wrong. One of my problems is I need to hear things (as I believe I’ve mentioned before) and just not be happy with what’s happening right in front of me. I’m trying to deal with it and I’m better than I was before.

I have a friend who keeps a blog that no one knows about. He posts to it, but it’s only for his eyes. I don’t know why I can’t do that. I know I do some self-editing sometimes. I worry that sometimes I might upset my kids and I worry sometimes that I might upset Saeyoon. I really don’t understand why I have this need to have this out there for anyone to see. I write mostly for me as it’s a good exercise in helping me to understand what I do. I do this as a form of communication with the outside world. Is there a “too much information” line somewhere? Probably. But I can’t keep different blogs for different people. So I do some minor editing and just hope that no one gets too upset with what I write.

I write these things about Saeyoon because it’s a little of how I feel and this is someone who has become a big part of my life and very important to me. I know when I write it’s mostly the negative things that go on in my life. I vent. It’s important to vent. What you don’t see and I don’t write about is that I really do enjoy being with her. She’s added a lot to my life and I’m a richer person for it. Let me just write so it’s clear, I care very much about her. I don’t know where it will go eventually but at this moment in time, it’s good.

I really fucked up my marriage (another story) but I’ve been very lucky that I’ve met 2 women who have enriched me as a person. It’s ironic that out of such a mess I made, that some positive things have come my way. I don’t pretend to understand myself and I know that I fumble through life at times. But if it is the journey that’s important, and not the destination, then I’ve really been one lucky person.