IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT KNOWING WHEN TO HOLD AND WHEN TO FOLD

I think I used the “know when to hold and when to fold” title before so I wanted to use it again and I realized it’s a big part of life. There are always crossroads in life and which way do you go? Sometimes I think I always make the wrong choice. I make a choice, I don’t waffle, but sometimes it’s not the brightest choice. Of course I’ve had an interesting life but at this moment in time, here in Bucheon, I really have nothing but 2 kids who are so far away, one of whom doesn’t understand me and sometimes doesn’t recognize me, and another who accepts me as I am, warts and all. I have a mother and sister I miss who think I’m crazy and going through some kid of second childhood. I’m scared that that is all I have. What do I have in Korea? I don’t know. I ask myself that a lot and I don’t have an answer for it.

The previous post on fights really only has a little back story as Scott alludes to. Of course I wrote it during a fight. I gave a great deal of thought to fighting and I just don’t have it in me. Life is too short. If it’s serious, then why fight? Just move on. If it’s silly, it’s not worth the effort. I get angry at times, but it goes quickly. Saeyoon has the temper from hell. This is not going to make her sound good, and it shouldn’t, but she can yell so loud that it’s screeching and you can’t understand what she’s saying. She gets angry about the little things that are usually some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication, or maybe it’s something stupid I said. But it’s not worth going over the deep end for. On Sunday we had one of these. We were supposed to have dinner with Robert and the timing got confusing so I said I’d cancel Robert and she should forget it. This made her quite angry. I didn’t cancel right away and when I tried to tell her to come and have dinner, she went off the deep end, screamed her lungs out (I don’t know what she said) and hung up. I called Robert and cancelled because the purpose of the dinner was so my two friends could meet.

About an hour later Saeyoon phones and asks if she can come over. I said yes. I assumed she was feeling sorry for her behavior and I’m not going to hold a grudge. I pick her up at the subway and when she finds out we are not having dinner with Robert, she has another fit. She jumps out of the car and storms off. Why would I want my friend Robert to have dinner with some screaming banshee?

Saeyoon likes to hold on to her anger and her hate. It’s really quite terrible. It’s so self-destructive. It’s almost like she wants to fail at a relationship so she can say, “See, I told you I chase everyone away with my bad temper”. I can be patient but I must admit it’s starting to wear a bit thin.

She turned off her phone and wouldn’t talk to me Sunday night. Monday morning she calls to apologize. I was not overly warm and she asked me if she could call me later. I said, “if you want”. She called after work. However, before calling she sat in her office (after classes) having a few drinks. A person who wants to resolve issues doesn’t drink, they meet the other person and communicate. Are these bright red flags being waved in my eyes?

She apologized again and told me she was impossible to live with. She told me that she couldn’t stand herself. It was really quite horrible. I told her to come over and we’d talk but she said no. She said she would call when she got home.

She never called. She turned off her phone. I called the home phone and she hung up. I have no idea what her problem was, but obviously I wasn’t dealing with someone rational. I sent her a message saying that I didn’t deserve to be treated like garbage. If it’s over, say it’s over. I think I make her happy, but that she wants to fail so she can say, “See, I was right. I can’t have a relationship”.

This morning she contacts me on the computer asking if she can come over tonight. I told her that she could and we would talk and at the end of it we are either a couple, or we go our separate ways. I won’t do the roller coaster anymore. She needs to grow up. Everything is a choice and she’s free to make good choices for herself. I can’t save her from doing stupid things. I believe she’s a good person who has some problems (don’t we all) and the good far outweighs the bad. But I need to be at peace in a relationship and if it’s going to be an unstable relationship, then I’d best be alone.

I’ve come to terms with starting the dating game over. I’ve invested almost 5 months in this relationship and there are many wonderful things about it. But if it’s not a firm port in a storm, then it’s no good to me. I do want someone I can count on, and I want someone who can count on me. I know being in Korea that a lot of Western people keep their relationships with Koreans going a little longer than they should out of fear of being alone. I understand that. But I think I’ve conquered that and made the line in the sand. If after all this time it can’t be the relationship it should be, and if she wants to remain immature and afraid, then it’s time for me to move on. I’m sad because I honestly believe it’s something that could work, but I’ve fooled myself before. But like Pharaoh, my heart is hardened and I can play hardball now. (I hope).

I have to do away with the part of me that takes this as a challenge. She says, “I’m too difficult to be with” and I see it as a challenge and want to prove her wrong. That’s dumb of me. She has to move towards being someone who can control her temper and grab on to the good things, instead of someone with a bad temper who looks for the negative. We had a good talk on the weekend and I told her that living at home until her age is very bad for her. She said it was never her intention for this to happen, but it just did. She has fears (as we all do) and I can understand that. I know that once you’re settled it’s sometimes hard to make changes to your life. But you know what? So what. If you want something you do what’s necessary to get it. And if you can’t be bothered to take the proper steps than you deserve the garbage you leave yourself with.

So, who knows? I’ve wimped out too many times. I’ve got all day to convince myself I won’t do it again. If we end all I’ve lost is my perception of great potential. But potential unrealized is just nothing. I’m not the grand prize, but I’m a pretty good person. I shouldn’t sell myself short.