MAYBE I AM FOLDING MY TENT

It’s almost 6PM on Thursday. I called the agency this morning as I was supposed to be moving to my new city tomorrow. The school had accommodation for me to live in for free until the visa was done, and they were going to get me a decent apartment.

I called the agency and my agent said, “I was just about to phone you”. They always say that. The school told her that they would not get me a better apartment (as they had promised) because it was too expensive. The agent said take the small apartment and I said no. There is no point moving into a place where you wouldn’t be happy.

So I have to move out of here (Saeyoon’s) tomorrow and funds are limited. What to do? The agent said she would try to find me another school that would have a place for me to live now. I didn’t hold out much hope and I said sure, go ahead and try. I then thought that enough already, if there is no job today I’ll go back to Canada. Maybe getting another job here wasn’t meant to be. I phoned my mother and said, “Be honest, are you sure you can put up with me living on your couch for a while”? She said, and I wanted to cry, “I would do anything to have you move back to this part of the world”.

I told her I would know later if I would come back to Toronto tomorrow. Because of the time difference I couldn’t let her know in the middle of the night. It is reassuring to have someone who will always take you in. I am so lucky to have and had such good parents. I know not everyone is as fortunate as me. I know just how good my mom and dad are and have been, and that while many say they would do anything for you, my parents never had to say that because they just did that.

I then realized I can’t leave tomorrow because I don’t have enough medicine and it would cost me a fortune in Canada. If this job doesn’t happen (and I don’t think it will as it approaches 6PM) then I’ll visit a doctor tomorrow, get 3 months of medicine, and fly out on Saturday. My agent says the teacher at the school is still in class and will visit the principal when she’s done. Somehow I don’t believe her. Middle school (which is what this new school would be) finishes at 5PM. It’s too bad in a way because the town is supposed to be beautiful and the air is good.

I cannot move to a motel and wait and find a job. I can’t afford it. And I am picky. I want daytime hours, I don’t want elementary kids or kindergarten, I want a nice apartment. There is no point in me taking less than what I want because it will not work out. I’m being picky, but realistic about myself here.

I asked Saeyoon’s dad if I could give him my car if I go and he could sell it for me, and of course he said yes. The man has adopted me. He visits this apartment (her parent’s are separated) about twice a year. With me here, he’s here almost every day. I will never understand it.

The other day he came over and then said that he wanted to go out and buy me some green grapes. And he left. An hour later he comes back with strawberries because green grapes are out of season. He then starts phoning around asking if anyone knows where he can get green grapes. We went out and he found some so he bought them. He made someone from the store go wash them so I could have some right away. I didn’t even ask for the green grapes. Why? Why? Why?

I think if I leave he’ll miss me more than anyone. Saeyoon was about to leave for work when I announced I might go to Canada tomorrow. I think she was quite surprised but then again, so was I. I keep telling her she should say how she feels regardless of what I say or say I’ll do but she doesn’t. I think you should express your feelings so that you don’t leave anything unsaid and later regret the things you didn’t say.

We are trying to understand each other. We’ve talked a lot this week and it’s been good. There is no secret about how I feel about her, and how I feel that I’ve been treated. Yesterday I moved out to go live in a motel for a couple of days. I was following her dad as he would find a place for me. While we were driving I asked him to pull over because I wanted to talk to him. He did and came in my car. I said, “Am I being stupid”? I mean, couldn’t I survive for 2 more days here and save money? If I left this apartment I was really saying goodbye and was I comfortable with that? He said I should go back to the apartment because a motel was too expensive. I came back.

I was stupid to leave like I did. I have now expressed everything I didn’t like to her and have said it’s all in the past. She knows (or says she does) that she knows that she is sometimes thoughtless and inconsiderate. I said if she changes, great, and if she doesn’t, so be it. I said when I move far away if we see each other, great, and if we don’t, so be it. I have to stop being angry and hurt. It’s not healthy for me. So I am going to stay calm and let what happens, happen. If I stay in Korea time will tell. If I go back to Toronto she says she wants to come in November. We will see. I can’t worry about it. Obviously she has a hold on me or I would have walked away. I feel now that I can accept whatever happens. If it works out I’ll be very happy. If it doesn’t I will be disappointed but not crushed. It’s funny but I think if we lived together things would be much better between us. For some reason I really think it would work. It just has it’s rough moments as boyfriend/girlfriend. Strange.

If I’m going to Canada I have some serious packing to do. I will leave a lot behind that Saeyoon or her mother can have and give the rest to charity. I will have to send a box of clothes back. I haven’t packed for Canada because I wait. I’m going out in about 90 minutes to see Saeyoon and I should probably do something before then if I’m leaving. In a way I feel paralyzed and that this really isn’t happening.

Things have changed so much in the last couple of months. Do things happen for a reason? Not always. Sometimes as much as you don’t want to be, you’re just a pinball bouncing around in life. At the moment it’s how I feel.

If I leave Saturday it will mean I won’t see Jeju Island. Damn!