AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME MY LIFE SUCKS

Sorry Elana. I should try and be positive but this is the truth. I know it won’t be like this forever, and I know it will be better soon, but I’m really feeling beat up. I thought I would post more since I got back but I just haven’t had the motivation. Things have been not good for so long (over 2 months which in the course of a lifetime isn’t much but when you are going through them seem like forever) that it’s a battle to not succumb to depression.

First, a small addition to the previous post from a week and a half ago. On my first Sunday night back I had dinner with Elana. I can’t believe I wrote that I couldn’t remember what I did so that’s an indication of where my head is (or isn’t).

Last Friday (not yesterday) I had my doctor’s appointment with my new doctor and after she got my blood work back, they called me in the afternoon. I was told I should go to emergency and see if they’d admit me because my blood was wacko and my lungs sounded terrible, and if I’m in the hospital I could tests run much quicker. So like a fool I had my mother drive me to the hospital. I packed a bag for when they would admit me. We were at emergency for 10 hours. In those 10 hours there was mostly waiting. It took over 2 hours to get from the waiting area into a small room in emergency. I needed the room because I was potentially infectious. The nurse came and took blood and my vitals. Then another long wait for a doctor. He came in and I gave him my medical history. He thought it was quite interesting and he left. After another hour I went out and asked what was happening. I was told they were waiting for my blood results to come back. After a few more hours my mother hunted the doctor down and he told her there were going to give me a CT scan and he’d requested an Internist to look at me.

After another couple of hours the Internist came in and said I had pneumonia. Doh! He thought I caught it in the hospital in Korea (where I was admitted with pneumonia) and in light of my pneumonia my blood results weren’t bad. He gave me a new prescription for a stronger anti-biotic and sent me on my way. Was I annoyed? Yes. Was my blood pressure up and my heart rate too fast? Yes.

It seems that in Ontario a doctor can’t admit you to the hospital unless you are dying. You need to go to emergency and get past their doctors. Does that sound crazy? Of course it does. I don’t think I’ll be visiting the emergency room at a hospital again.

I went back to the doctor on Monday and she said I sounded the same (lungs). However, my blood work had improved and she was “cautiously optimistic”. I had another appointment yesterday and she said I sounded better. Not perfect, but better than terrible. I have a CT scan on Monday and another visit with the doctor next Friday. I’ve felt like crap for so long I’m not sure what feeling good is. However, I’m not coughing as much and I’m not infectious and I think I do feel somewhat better. So I am mending.

I did next to nothing during the week. I sent out some resumes but wasn’t ready for a full assault on the job front. I read, I play on my computer, and I just sit around. Different country, same crap. I take small walks and am drinking coffee again after a 2 month hiatus from Starbucks.

I had dinner at my sister’s last night and Elana came. It was nice to get out, it was nice to see everyone, and it was nice to be with Elana. In an ironic twist it seems she will move to Texas in about a month for a change in her life. So I return and she leaves. She’s doing the right thing if it’s what she wants to do. I wouldn’t mind being in Texas either.

My daughter is so clever. She told me last night that a good test to know if the person you’re in a relationship with is good for you, is thinking how you would feel if your child with in a relationship with the same kind of person. I asked her if she made that up and she said yes. She does have a point. If someone treated my daughter like I’ve been treated at times I’d break their legs. It was like a splash of cold water on my face and gave me much food for thought.

Speaking of relationships Saeyoon has said she is coming for sure. People tell me I’m delusional if I believe that. I am trying to get a month pinned down (November or bust) because November was talked about, November is a 6 month separation, and I’m willing to wait until November. I don’t think I’m willing to wait on an open-ended unfixed date. Will she commit to November? I honestly don’t know. Do I want her to? Yes. I want to have faith and trust in someone. Maybe I’m crazy (yes I am) but I really think that outside of Korea and living together we have a chance at a successful relationship. Then again Laura, maybe I’m delusional.

I do forgive a lot because I’m dealing with a different culture and I’m dealing with someone who lacks the life and relationship experience that I have. Many things I know are learning experiences for her. Am I making excuses for her? Perhaps. But there is the possibility that I do see something there that is worth waiting on. Or maybe I’m crazy but I already said that.

I sent out a bunch of resumes today to ESL schools in Toronto. I figure it wouldn’t hurt to look. I have no idea if my qualifications, such as they are, count for much. I have no idea how much they pay. But email is free so why not send them out. I think on Monday I will try and find an employment agency or two who may be able to help me. I need my resume to look good for computer stuff even though it has 16 months of teaching English in Korea. To me it’s a plus, but I’m a forward thinking and well-rounded person.

My mother and I went to see “La Vie En Rose” today. It’s a French movie about the great singer Edith Piaf. We both enjoyed it immensely. The actress who portrayed Edith Piaf was unbelievably good. For my mother to actually say she liked a movie is quite something. I highly recommend it.

I don’t want to live in Toronto. I want to be close to family but I don’t want to live here. It’s a dilemma because I should be closer. I know I have no choice at the moment, and my mother is as considerate as can be, but it’s really tough to share a 1 bedroom apartment with your mother. I haven’t had my own place in over 2 months and I need it. I need a holiday from myself and from illness. I need to be healthy. I haven’t gained any weight since I’ve been back, but I am eating considerably more than I did before I left Korea. Will I wake up one morning to find 10 extra pounds on me? I hope not.

I keep telling myself that everything will work out and this is only temporary. I really do believe that but it’s hellish when you are going through it. If I would have saved money when I was younger I could be living in my own place with no income. (Boy, that stinks). Because I know that things will get better I don’t mind saying they suck now because they do and I don’t want to be delusional about everything.

I’m going to the ballgame with my nephew on Wednesday. Boy, I really do need to get out. July 1st is a long weekend and my choices so far are to go to Collingwood with my mother, my sister, her husband, and their kids or to move into my sister’s and baby-sit the dog. That is a depressing thought.

I take so many pills that I can’t believe there isn’t one to make everything better. I know I’m whining but I’m just so tired of being homeless, alone, unemployed, and to a large extent (thanks pneumonia and kidney failure and anemia) helpless.

It’s tough to want to be in 2 places at the same time. I do want to be close to my mother but at the same time I’d rather be failing at another English teacher job somewhere in the world. When I was younger I thought it would be really good to live in a new land every couple of years and work there. I remember shortly after coming back from Israel in 1982 seeing an ad in the paper looking for English teachers for Japan. I thought it was a wonderful idea but Barbara didn’t want to do that. Who was right? We both were.

I just have never really felt at home anywhere. I guess that’s why it’s so easy for me to go to new places. My kids in Texas, me in Toronto, and the woman I think I want in Korea. Life is funny but I’m not laughing at the moment.

It’s Leah’s 1 year wedding anniversary tomorrow (June 17). It’s hard to believe it’s been a year already since her wedding. It’s funny but for her anniversary she and Taylor have given me a gift. How much they are enjoying their life together and how happy Leah is makes it a wonderful gift for me. Life isn’t all that bad if your kids are happy.