FRAGMENTS

I feel like my life is just a bunch of fragments that sometimes don’t feel related to each other. My moods change quickly from happy to sad to concerned or whatever. I don’t feel there is one overriding theme for how I feel. It’s just a bunch of pieces that have been stuck together haphazardly to be me.

This of course is not good nor where I want to be. I want to anchor myself to something (which is strange for the world traveler to say) that is good and stable. I want to be blanketed in an overall feeling of warmth and contentment and not bouncing around like some pinball.

I’m very good at listening. I’m very good at advice and suggestions. However, I can’t seem to be able to be of much use to myself. I can’t seem to get a handle on how to get what I want, or even if I know what I want. I want to be here, I want to be in Toronto, I want to be in Austin, I want to be in China, and I can’t be everywhere.

I want a stable love in my life but who doesn’t. I don’t want to have this overriding feeling of loneliness. I really don’t know what will happen in the future. When I’m alone I have my doubts that anything will work out. Distance allows me to be more observant of the realities and I spend a lot of time alone. I can’t conjure up a person to share a life with. You just have to be lucky to come across someone who wants a lot of the same things as you.

I’m not thrilled with my job. I have moments of pleasure but it’s a job. I want a job where I feel it’s not work. When I was with my adult class last night I said to them that being there wasn’t work for me. I enjoy talking to them. It’s an easy way to meet and talk with a bunch of Koreans at once and it’s interesting for me. I think they were flattered by what I said and they thanked me. I told them no, I should be thanking them.

Some of the classes are good, some are okay, and some are boring. Elementary students are boring because they aren’t overly cute and they don’t know enough to talk to. Kindergarten kids are cute and I get to play the entertainer which I enjoy. But overall it’s a job. I try to make the best of it and it’s not that it depresses me, it just doesn’t thrill me. And I can’t think of any job that would thrill me.

My adult student who talked about depression on Tuesday might not be as depressed as I thought. Last night I asked everyone to tell me at least one thing that made them happy. She had plenty. Her job, her kids, her husband who loves her, leisure time, and so on. When does she have time to be depressed? I’m glad I didn’t say anything to her. Sometimes it’s good when I keep my mouth shut.

Kyle just tried a new one on me. He screwed up his scheduling again (a dog could do a better job) and he asked me if I’d do a favor for Kate’s mother. Kate is the middle school student who lived in Canada for 2 years. The favor was that I give her a class at 6:20. I said no. Kyle asked me if I had plans and I lied and said yes. I then told him that in the 10 weeks I’ve worked for him I have worked more than 2 late nights during 9 of the weeks. (Our contract says only 2 late nights a week). I really like having a give and take in a relationship but he shows no respect for my time. So it’s a strict 2 nights a week which are Tuesdays and Thursdays (adult class) for the next 4 months. It was kind of slimy to put it as “doing a favor for Kate’s mom”. Then after I said no he said that he hopes they don’t quit. If they do because he can’t schedule, then don’t blame me. This should be easy but he has a job where you need to be super organized. I’m sure it’s no fun working with the mother’s and trying to please everyone, but it’s your job.

I hate to generalize but Koreans lie. They lie about stupid things. Kyle is a big liar and it’s just so natural to do it for him. Koreans drink too much. Koreans apologize too easily and don’t mean it. I mentioned these things to my adult class last night and they didn’t dispute me. When I have something negative to say I always preface it with the statement that I like Koreans (I do) and they have many good qualities and all cultures have some bad things. I don’t think I offend them.

Yesterday morning I couldn’t find my car key. I looked everywhere with no luck. I called Kyle and he called Daewoo to see how much it would cost for a replacement key. They told him $200. That’s crazy! He found someone to create a key for $40. They come to your car and look with a light into the lock. They then file a key by hand. I don’t know how it works, but it works. I have no idea what I did with my other key but I was quite angry with myself.

I’m just trying to keep myself together for the next 2 weeks. When I return from Toronto I will not let myself be a piece of tumbleweed blowing in the wind. I will not do a song pun here so I hope you appreciate it. I have to decide what I want and if I can’t have what I want, then move on. Just floating aimlessly waiting for something to happen doesn’t work. I really am ready to take action, I just don’t know what action to take. But, I will have to and if I make a bad choice, so be it. I can’t be waiting for a miracle. (And no song pun there either).

Tomorrow is J.C. Superstar. I hope I like it. I am looking forward to it. Other than that, I have nothing planned for the weekend. I could call my kindergarten teacher friends but I think I’ll wait to see if they call me. I don’t want to impose. I guess I’ll watch a video or two.

In my reasonable fantasy world Saeyoon would come over here after work and we’d watch films together and she’d spend the night. We’d go to the play tomorrow, eat dinner out, and come back here afterwards and she’d spend the night. However, that isn’t going to happen. I used to think it was culture that prevented these “normal” relationship things from happening but I’ve changed my mind. I think it’s just fear (of what I don’t know) and habit held up by laziness that stops positive changes from happening. I’ve discussed some of these things with her and she tells me I’m right. My being right and $2 will get me a cup of coffee at Starbucks here. If I’m right then why not move your life to where it should be? It’s annoying to hear her tell me I’m right and she’ll think about it. I’ve been hearing the “think about it” on a few things for several months now. I think this is an example of what I mean when I say I have to see what I want, and if I can’t have that then to move on. I’m a much more patient person than I ever was before. I’m a much more understanding and compassionate person than I ever was before. I’m far from perfect and full of flaws, but I like myself better than I used to. But even patience and understanding can come to an end sometimes. You wait because you think something is worth waiting for. However, when it doesn’t happen you have to realize it won’t happen and get on the train. I may be a fool, but I’m not a total fool.