HERE I AM AGAIN

Here I am again in South Korea. Hard to believe I’ve now been here longer than a year. I can hardly believe it myself but I think my time is starting to close down. At the moment it looks like Toronto or Southern Ontario is the destination. Before I left for Canada the idea appealed to me and it still appeals to me after my visit. I loved seeing everyone and it would be nice to see my kids, my mother, and my sister’s family more often.

The time in Toronto went quickly and painlessly. The Bar Mitzvah was great but even greater was seeing Elana and Leah and everyone else. Staying with my Mom was painless (except for a sore back from sleeping on the couch). I wasn’t ready to leave when I left and wished I was staying there longer. The only thing about Korea I missed was Saeyoon. I still believe I’m ready to live close to family again for a while at least.

I will admit it’s frightening. I would have to find a job and it intimidates me. Elana’s boyfriend Paul thinks I’ll have no trouble so I’m making him responsible. I’ve never doubted that I could find work when needed so I don’t know why I’m frightened now but I shall overcome it.

I had a “serious” talk with Saeyoon last night and made an “official” proposal. I told her that I was sure I wanted to live closer to home for a while and that I wanted her with me and felt we should try making a life together. She says she wants to be with me and will do it. So we are now negotiating leaving times. I want to go June 1st and she worries about selling her business or finding a substitute to take over for her. Then she talks about taking some kind of Buddhist certification test in October. I told her that if I go by myself first (which does allow me to find work and a place to live before she arrives), I don’t want to wait more than a month for her. The idea of being together is to be together. She says 4 months (if it’s that) is not long and in a way she’s right. I don’t tell anyone what to do but I think I’ll stick to being selfish here. I told her that I’m leaving in June and if she wants she has 1 month to come to Canada. I need to know soon because we have to start making plans for her time in Canada. She wants to study English to start and that makes sense. Getting a visa takes time so we need to start working on it soon.

I told her that if she was serious about this Buddhist test, there were probably places in Toronto to study it and take the test. She will talk to the head of the place where she studies now to find out. I don’t like being selfish but she’s not a Buddhist (she’s just interested in learning) and I just think if we want to be together we should just do it. We find what we need from the same place, not from different continents.

She said she will let me know on the 24th (when she talks to the Buddhist guy) and we’ll go from there. I think our relationship has progressed to where going together makes sense. As time goes by we provide a better support system for each other (among other things) and we grow closer with the passing of time. I know some couples separate for a lengthy period of time, but I don’t want to start out that way.

So we shall see what she says. I think we’ll be coming to Canada about a month apart. I don’t want to wait 4 months and I don’t understand the importance of waiting. I’ll have 1 month to find a decent job and get a place to live. I’m sure I can do it. Having her in Canada will be a great adventure for her and for me also. Whereas now she is my guide to Korea and Korean things, I’ll have a chance to be her guide to Canadian things. I believe my family will be accepting of her and will try and make her comfortable. I see no reason why they wouldn’t get along. She has her bad temper moments but they seem to be much less than before. I think she interacts well with people and I believe the experience of being away from home will make her blossom even more. I think she’ll gain a confidence about life and herself, and she’ll leave behind the stresses that accumulate on your home turf. It puts a lot of responsibility on me to help make the transition as painless as possible and to be able to support us, but I’m up to it.

The whole idea is quite exciting to me and where I was very skeptical about it all happening before, I now believe it will come to pass. I can’t explain it exactly but I know in my heart how she feels about me and I know how I feel about her. We get along most of the time (nothing is perfect), we communicate well, and we are compatible. We have some things to iron out (she watches TV and I don’t) but if I didn’t believe it could work I wouldn’t have proposed it. It’s just so amazing how far we’ve both come in this relationship and it would be a tragedy for both of us to not carry on together. I guess my feeling is (as others have said to me), if she loves me she’ll come with me. Life is a series of compromises and I see us both compromising on different things which is how it should be.

I did think of something today though. I’m not sure how much money I’ll get from Kyle for finishing a year with him but it might be something to factor in. Of course that would mean staying until November but I guess I should see how much cash that 4 months would mean. I really want to go in June but I need to look at the financial implications. Of course if I stick it out until then (and it’s just something I need to find out about at this point), it would require Saeyoon and I to move in together at the end of May. Whatever happens, it’s just nice to know that for the first time in a while I know what I want. I want to be close to family and I want to be with Saeyoon. That’s a big step for me to say and know what I want.

Kyle proposed a new deal for me when I came back. He realizes he was wrong in how he treated me and hopes I can start to trust him. He says he doesn’t make the same mistake twice. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again, but I’m sure he can learn from his mistakes. Where before he wanted to split the money depending on how many classes I had, he now wants to do that but guarantee me a minimum monthly salary. The guaranteed minimum is a good salary by itself and if business is good I’ll get more. It’s probably the deal he should have made from day one, but he’s learning. I told him I accept and then I started to think about it. If my time remaining here is short I should just finish out my time here working for him. There is no reason to start another job for a short period of time. If the bonus for one year is worthwhile, I should still stick it out until November. So I will stay in my job until I leave Korea.

It’s very strange to see a direction where I’m heading. I usually just fly by the seat of my pants and have never been a person for long range planning. This is a new experience. I kind of like it. I’m afraid of how I’ll manage, but I’m excited to have a goal regardless of how small it may be.

So a firm outline will begin to appear in the next couple of weeks. I feel positive at the moment and there really is no reason for that feeling to change. If I step back and look at things realistically, it does seem like it’s possible, doable, and the right thing.

Here is a picture of my lovely children and me taken at the Bar Mitzvah. Boy, they’re lucky to have such a handsome dad.