THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE

Here’s another reason why sometimes I don’t post for a while. I have many thoughts running through my mind. It’s always been a problem of mine. Some of these thoughts you want to just run through your mind and then right out of it. I don’t want to write everything down. It’s like if I write it and post it, it becomes more real. Instead of a thought it becomes something to seriously think about and sometimes I don’t want to think. So I don’t post and hope it all goes away. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. My head is spinning as so many things go through it. When do you know if you did the right thing? When you’re dead? We try and make what we hope are the best choices and I know that sometimes they aren’t. When that happens you’re supposed to learn from them and continue on. But sometimes it’s really very scary. The reality is I’ve put myself out on a ledge and I’m balancing precariously on the edge of it. Yes, it’s a great adventure. Yes, I’m a lucky person to be able to do what I’ve done in the last year. And yes, maybe it was just a crazy thing to do. It’s not mathematics where there is always a right answer and a wrong answer. It’s life and life is not quite as exact as math.

Kyle has become a piece of scum in my life. Every time I’ve gone to work for someone younger than me, they’ve turned out to be the wrong place to work. I have respect for those who want to try their own business and I figure I’ll give them respect from the start. However, that isn’t always the smartest thing to do.

After not being paid for a week but being told every day that the money was being deposited that day the truth finally came out. He came over on Sunday and I had Saeyoon here as a witness and also as someone who would yell at him if need be. Kyle was upset that he’s lost a few customers and he blames me. What are my crimes? I missed 2 classes because of sickness so the people quit. Somehow I don’t buy that. I called a student a monkey. I may call kids lots of things but never to their faces so I know that one isn’t true. I’ve fallen asleep in 2 different places. I know I fell asleep watching movies at middle school but I’ve never fallen asleep at this job. The lies are just absurd. Kyle felt because he’s lost customers that he shouldn’t have to pay me.

My only response to this crap was to tell him that he is a liar and a thief. Since he spent a week telling me that he deposited my money when he didn’t he couldn’t really dispute the liar part. He wanted me to have a new contract with him where I get paid by the class. I just kept saying, “where is the money you owe me”? He then said since I was being fired or quitting (whatever) that I owed him six months rent on this apartment that I sublet from him. Of course I don’t as it was never part of the contract but the problem is that he’s holding my money and as a foreigner here you can’t really win a legal battle against a Korean.

Saeyoon was quiet during all this and then Kyle and her spoke for a while in Korean. She was calm and nice with him and he said he had to go out but would be back shortly to continue the discussion. Needless to say he didn’t return. Boy, was Saeyoon angry. I wasn’t surprised. Kyle’s phone was broken so she called his brother (I had his number) and gave him messages for Kyle. She was fit to be tied and I was just tired and stressed. I wonder if it’s me or just bad luck? Saeyoon swore she would make his life a living hell if I didn’t get paid and I believed her.

At this point Saeyoon and I discussed what my options were and one of them was to just stay in Canada when I go on the 3rd. I said what becomes of us and she said that she would come to me (in June). Since we hadn’t really had deep discussions about what we would do with any future together I was touched by what she said. I said to her, “what if you don’t come”? She said that I should have confidence in her. Who knows, maybe life is full of surprises.

I told her that it’s easy to get a job in Korea but she knows I’m not thrilled by having another job here. I said if I stayed in Toronto I could get a job and get set up for when she comes. But I also told her that I really didn’t want to be apart for 3 or 4 months. What’s the right thing to do? I don’t know.

At 1AM Kyle phones me to tell me that he would come over the next morning at 9AM with my money and to discuss a new deal. I was through telling him he was a liar and a thief because he knew he was. I just said, “Okay”.

He did show up at 9AM without money. He said that he was going to pay me and that I didn’t owe him for the apartment and he only said that because he was angry. He was bothered that I didn’t seem to care that he lost customers. I told him that of course I was bothered but if you lose someone and it’s my fault, then you have to tell me what I did wrong. He had no response to that.

He made me an offer based on the number of classes I do and I agreed because I figured it was the best way for me to get my money and I could look for another job while doing this. He told me that he wouldn’t lie to me again (which is probably another lie), and he would pay me that day $1000 of the $1500 he owes me. I would get the rest plus the rest of my monthly salary when I get back from Canada. I figured $1000 is better than nothing so I agreed.

He did pay and he’s tried to be extra nice since then. I have no use for him and am civil and that’s it. He did say that he is trying to find an elementary school teacher for some people he wants to do business with, and he asked me if I was interested. I told him I was and supposedly I have an interview with them this week. It would be regular daytime hours and not working with Kyle. It would be another 1 year contract but obviously that doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m really feeling that I won’t stay here past June. At the moment I’m leaning towards Southern Ontario to be close to family for a while. It’s partly guilt and it’s partly that I feel that I should be closer for a while. Of course, that idea could change.

Will Saeyoon come with me? If she has the courage to break away and grow up then she will. It would be the right thing for her and even if it doesn’t work out she’d have a great adventure. Obviously I think it would work or I wouldn’t suggest it. We will talk in detail about it when I get back from Canada. If we are to move then she needs time to plan for it.

So I stay on here to see if this relationship continues to develop. It feels like it does but sometimes I have my moments of insecurity. Insecurity is something I’ve battled all my life so I try to not let it put me out too much. They are bad moments, but I also know that they pass.

It’s okay that I come back to Korea. It’s really what I want to do the most right now. Robert says I should have 2 reasons to come back but I only really only have one. It’s a big one so it will have to make do for two.

I had to leave this post because Saeyoon called to meet her as we were going out. It’s now the next (Thursday) afternoon. A friend of Saeyoon’s from music college is in a band and we went to see them perform. They are a five piece band (bass, guitar, drums, synthesizer, vocalist) and they weren’t too bad. They sang soul songs and the singer (a Korean girl) sounded black. It was really amazing to look at this Korean girl and hear the voice that came out of her. It was very disorienting. And then when she finished the song (in English) she would thank the audience in Korean. It was really weird.

There were 3 bands playing and practically no one watching but it was enjoyable. Saeyoon and I went to eat at a Korean place before the show and I had bulgogi which is a Korean meat dish. It was actually pretty good. Saeyoon had fish so we can eat at Korean restaurants and both find something to eat. I hate my guilt that we always seem to go American. It’s unfair. I figure I can find at least one thing to eat at any restaurant.

After the show Saeyoon, myself, and the band went to a bar to eat, drink, and talk. They were all very nice and I didn’t feel left out. Some of them spoke a little English and we seemed to understand each other. I got drunk for my first time in a year. I drank soju (the Korean alcohol of choice). I have no idea how much I drank but I did make love to the porcelain in the bathroom and I did find an empty row of chairs to have a snooze on. I got home at 3:30AM and had a kindergarten class at 10AM. I feel pretty tired. I can’t believe how drunk I was. I invited everyone over here on February 24th for a party. I’m a friendly drunk.

Saeyoon called me at 8:50AM this morning to be sure I was up. She seemed surprised to hear I was already out the door and on my way. It’s the first time she’s seen me drunk and I don’t think I embarrassed her. I think everyone was drunk except the designated driver. No hangover today, just tired. I can sure handle my alcohol.

Kyle called me last night to tell me that I had an interview for the elementary school job today. Before we got off the phone he said, “can I ask you a favor”? I said sure and he said that he wanted to be friends with me after I get the new job. I tried hard not to laugh and succeeded. I just said, “we’ll see”. At least he knows he’s an ass and I am certainly not letting him off the hook.

The interview went fine. It’s a company that is selling supplementary programs to elementary schools. The schools want the students to study extra at the school and not go to an outside academy. They are trying to sign schools and they’ve signed a few. They couldn’t give me an answer today on whether I got the job but if offered, I’ll take it. It’s a 9 to 5 job so that’s good for me. It’s a little farther from Saeyoon, but only by 5 subway stops. It’s not the job of my dreams but it’s fine if I look at it as just something until June.

I found my car key yesterday. That was the one I lost a couple of weeks ago that cost me $40 to get a new one made. It was in the washing machine stuck somewhere and it came loose. What a shock. I knew it would turn up sooner or later, I just didn’t think it would be in the washer.

My Monday night adult students have quit after 3 classes. One of them wants to study to become an elementary school teacher and the other is just too busy. I told them that they needed to call me to do things and we could be friends. It’s also free as they can talk English to me without paying.

I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m feeling a little worn out. I know it sounds like a contradiction based on the way I live, but I really would like some stability in my life. It’s difficult to be a rambling man and have the stability but it’s what I want. I want a partner to talk to and listen to. I want a partner who can understand me and who I can understand. I want someone I can count on to be there and someone who wants to count on me to be there. I verbalize these things now because they are truly what I believe I want. It’s part of the stability I’m looking for. Is Saeyoon the one? Possibly. It’s just so hard to know without actually living together day by day. I guess you just bite the bullet and hope your instincts were right.

I’ll try to do one more post before leaving in a couple of days. It’s weird to say that. I’m not taking my computer because my mother doesn’t have Internet access but I’m sure I’ll survive. I won’t post while there and hopefully I’ll be too busy anyhow. I honestly wish that Saeyoon were coming with me because I’d like to subject my family to her, and her to my family. But when you run a 1-person school it’s kind of hard to take time off. I’ll go, I’ll see people, I’ll laugh, I’ll cry, I’ll miss Saeyoon, and I’ll come back to Korea to see how this Korean story ends up.