So It’s Not South Korea Living Anymore

I’m back. The last post was June 17th and it’s now September 26th. I don’t think I’ll be able to do this all in one sitting but I will do this. Things have changed since my last post. The best comment on my life I’ve heard in a long time was from my clever friend Laura. She said my life is a soap opera (obviously), but I need to introduce some new characters and not keep recycling the old ones.

Elana tells me that I give out too much information. That’s from her point of view and if I was her, I don’t know if I would want to read about the life and problems and dreams of my father. She has a point. I, being the selfish person I can be, go ahead and write and no one has to read it. In fact, I’m curious if anyone checks here anymore to see what’s going on in my life. We’ll see.

So what’s new? I spent the month of July in England. I went for various reasons but the two main ones were that I needed to be somewhere where I could feel “on my own” and just relax and get healthy. Janet lives in a village about 40 miles from London so the location was terrific. It rained a lot but it was very restful. The other reason I went was curiosity. I was over my bitterness and could look back on our misadventures knowing that she did not set out to do me harm. Everyone has their problems and issues and I’ve learned to not be critical of others just because their plans aren’t my plans. So with an open mind I went to England.

I don’t think we will ever speak again. This isn’t bad. This time it just died a natural death. There is no bitterness and I don’t think there is any regret. What happened, happened. I’m comfortable with how things ended this time. There was no fairy tale ending, but that’s life.

Before I left for England I got myself a job. I went back to work at the place I was employed at for 13 years. I would never have even thought of it, but Lou made a crack one day about asking for my job back. I seriously thought about it, and the reality was that I needed a job and to start earning some money. The job pays well and I can always look for another job from a position of strength (already employed) than of desperation.

I haven’t had any problems or personality conflicts at work. But to be perfectly honest, I’m bored. The hardest thing I do is try to stay awake. I’ve done this for so long there is no challenge involved. The pay is good so I turn my head off and do my time. It’s not an ideal life, but it pays the bills.

I’m still living at my mother’s. I move next week into my new 2 bedroom apartment. I am looking forward to being on my own again. My mother couldn’t have been better, but I think I’ve grown up and need to be on my own.

Speaking of “on my own”, what ever happened to Saeyoon? After a short time back here I had a feeling that the November date had changed. I came out and asked her and she said that her mother’s birthday was in December and it was the 70th birthday which is the most important birthday in Korea. I told her that she should have told me, and of course she should stay in Korea for the birthday and then come at the end of December.

A few weeks later I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be December either. She didn’t say anything so I asked, “Are you coming in January?” She told me no, it was her mother’s 70th birthday in February. Yes, I was confused. She then told me it’s February by the lunar calendar and that’s the calendar that counts. I was not happy.

I felt that it was just excuses and she was “afraid” to move away from living with her mother and being looked after. Maybe she likes having her mother do her laundry and make her lunch every day. Maybe all she wants is to be free to get drunk whenever she wants. I don’t know.

I gave her an ultimatum. I told her to come in November and go back to Korea in February for a couple of weeks for the birthday. If she didn’t come in November, she shouldn’t come at all. I was through waiting for something that wasn’t going to happen. Everyone told me that if she wants you, she’ll come to you. And they were right and she wasn’t coming.

It took her a little time to see I was serious. I haven’t spoken or written to her in about a month. I got an email 3 weeks ago with some pictures of us telling me that she missed me so much. I didn’t reply. What could I say? I had allowed myself to be treated in a shoddy manner and I didn’t want to do that any more. If I don’t show respect for myself, how can I expect anyone else to show respect for me? So I’ve kept my silence and she’s too much of a coward to do the thing that is best for her. Even if she came and it didn’t work out, she’d have the experience of living in a new country and being on her own. I’m sorry if this sounds cruel, but she’s a fool. This was the offer of a lifetime but all she had were excuses for not coming now, and words of “wait for me”. It’s too bad. I would have liked to have given it a shot. Maybe I think more of her than she thinks of herself. Maybe I think more of her than she’s worth. But I won’t subject myself to false promises. You want it, you do it. It’s simple in my world.

So it’s over and I’m angry. I’m angry at her for not knowing her own mind. I’m angry at her for treating the person who cared so much for her, in such a thoughtless manner. I’m angry at her for not understanding what “love” means, and the commitments that go with it. I’m angry at myself for allowing all this to happen. I’m angry at myself for investing my soul in her. I’m angry at myself for letting myself be treated like dirt. And I’m angry because I have to go back to dating again.

If she were to call me right now and say she was coming, I’d take that chance with her. I ask myself why. Is it the horror of loneliness? Do I really love her for some inexplicable reason? I don’t know. But she’s not calling so it’s nothing I have to worry about. It would take a clever, smart, and brave person to call and come here. I hate to say it, but that’s not her.

So I’m back in the online dating business. I hate it. I did it in Austin and I got lucky and met Laura who I am still friends with 2 years later. I did it in Korea and ended up with Saeyoon with all the good and bad that brought. Now I try it in my 3rd country. I’ve had lots of coffee. I can’t picture the person I’m looking for, just that I’ll know it when it’s right. I have met one or two that I would have liked pursuing, but it takes interest on both people’s parts. I find that I’m partial to Asians for some reason. I think part of it is that I find them pretty. Another part is I find them “softer”. A lot of North American women get hard from having unpleasant experiences. That’s not good. I think you have to bounce back from adversity and not get that hard shell. If you want to attract a softness in others, you have to have that softness yourself.

You drink a lot of coffee when playing this dating game. You meet for coffee most of the time, and you usually have a pleasant experience. You just can’t find the “magic”. I figure if I meet enough people, then perhaps it will work with one. I’m always open to new people. I have certain things working against me that I can’t help. I’m 52 so I can get a 46 year old woman to say I’m too old for her. Age is just a number. Really. I know this to be true in my case as I can be quite immature. Actually, I’m probably younger than most people who are younger in years than me. But the number 52 hurts. Being 5’ 6” doesn’t help either. People want tall and I’m not tall. Oh well. Not having a lot of hair hurts. There isn’t much call for bald guys.

What’s the most annoying is reading the profiles and all the wonderful qualities women will claim to have. So much is crap. I don’t need someone to tell me how wonderful they are. If they’re wonderful and I meet them, I’ll see it for myself. I think many women are looking for this fantasy of a man who doesn’t exist. I don’t want a fantasy. I want a reality. A real person who I fit with and who fits with me.

So I go out. And go out. I’m leaving in about 10 minutes for a 9PM coffee meeting downtown with a new woman. Asian, of course. Who knows? If I don’t go, maybe I’m missing the miracle meeting. So I go without hope, but with an open mind. And I guess it beats sitting home and watching TV. And I don’t watch TV.

I’m back. It was a short date but long enough for a large coffee at Tim Horton’s. She goes to school to learn English from 9 to 12 every morning, and then works from noon to 9. She had to leave early to go home for dinner. See, life isn’t so bad. There is always someone worse off.

I think I’m running out of women to approach. Maybe I should branch out from Asian? Who knows? Something will come along. I hope.

I get emails from “ladies” from other countries. I don’t think it’s my devastatingly good looks that causes these women to feel they have to write me. In fact, I don’t always know what their game is. There was one woman from Russia who wrote that we had a lot in common and she wanted to meet me. She said she was planning on coming to the U.S. and wanted to know someone here and would want to be with me. Yes, I’m sure. She was 27 but it appears that age was not an impediment to our happy future together.

I knew this was a scam, but I didn’t exactly know what it was. I went along with her, writing her faithfully. I tried several times to tell her I was in Canada and not the U.S. but I don’t think she read that part.

She would send pictures of herself, and pictures of her and her “sister”. Her emails were great. She didn’t lay it on too thick. She would talk about how she loved to cook lasagna and how she taught dance. She said she was going to Moscow to get her visa and plane ticket and then come to me.

When she said she was in Moscow she wrote a great email about how a car hit a woman she was standing beside and how she spent the day in the police station being interviewed. You could almost believe her. But I’m a suspicious guy so I went on the Internet and did a search on her name. I found her on sites with pictures (some that she sent me) and copies of emails that she had sent to others. What she does is ask to borrow $1000 because she just found out at the last minute that she needs it for her visa. She will pay it back and she’s invested so much time in her plans to be with me, and her family has given her all the money they can.

The day after I read this on the Internet, I got the letter asking me for money. I didn’t want to direct her to the web page where I saw her in case one of her potential victims goes searching for her on the Internet. I wouldn’t want her warned and changing the way she plays her game. I did not reply.

She wrote me again and she was desperate for this chance to come to the U.S. to see me. I don’t know why she couldn’t at least have changed it to Canada. I did write her back including a picture of her and her “sister” I’d downloaded that she hadn’t sent me. I asked her if she knew where I got that picture from. I told her, “shame on you”. I copied her emails to other men into my email and would ask, “Do you remember Brian?” Then I’d copy in another one and say, “If you don’t remember Brian, perhaps you remember Roy”. What really bugs me about this is that there are legitimate people looking for a chance at making a new life and these other people make everyone look guilty. Not good. Needless to say, I haven’t heard back from her.

I know have this other “woman” writing me and I admit I can’t figure her game out yet. She says she lives in Ghana (West Africa) and is white. She sent me a picture and she’s very pretty if it’s her. She says I’m handsome so I don’t really trust her. She’s 29 and says that when you’re in love that age doesn’t matter. How can she love me? I know I write pretty well, but isn’t it a little soon? So we chat almost every day and she says the right things. But I don’t know what she wants. I asked her if she had a webcam and she said no. I asked her about buying one but she said they are hard to get in Ghana. The economy there is lousy and they make horrible salaries. She says she earns about $130 U.S. a month.

She asked me to buy her a webcam (not a demand but a request), so I figured I would pay $20 to see where this games goes. When I think of the money I’ve thrown away on other things, $20 bucks isn’t a lot for learning something new. She also asked me to buy her a digital camera so she could take some pictures of herself for me. It was easy to say no to that.

I can’t figure her game out. When she gets the camera, we’ll see if she is like her picture. She can’t be in this for a webcam only. It’s funny. You know that it’s false. As the old saying goes, if it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true. But you have this tiny little piece of you that hopes that you’re wrong and miracles do happen. I know that there is no way a pretty 29 year old girl would be interested in me. I believe in myself and my good qualities and I don’t feel my age, but I just can’t accept that someone would be interested in someone old enough to be their father. But I am hooked on finding out what is the game I’m playing. Maybe she just wants a ticket out of Ghana and is selling her soul for it? I don’t know.

So that’s my life for now. I’m happy to be closer to family. Leah comes in a little over a week for a 2 week visit so that’s good. My mother loves that I’m closer. I think Elana likes that I’m closer. My sister and her family like that I’m closer. But I don’t like my life.

I’m torn in 2 directions. Part of me wants to be closer to family. I love my family. I don’t go around the world to escape them. But my life is boring. I would much rather be failing at teaching English in a Chinese University than trying to stay awake designing and writing software.

Sometimes we do things for ourselves. Sometimes we do things for others. The trick is to know when the right time for each is. I made a commitment (in my head) to stay here for 1 year at least. I won’t think about other parts of the world until then. I may end up here forever. I may meet someone that will make it one more reason to stay here. Maybe I’ll marry some 29 year old girl from Ghana and live here with her. We will have lots of babies since she has many fertile years in front of her. You just never know what life holds in store for you.

Maybe I’ll meet the woman of my dreams on a Chinese dating site. There are many Chinese women who want to marry Western men for a chance at a better life. I can respect that. I do believe you can fall in love with a person who can show you a better life.

There are dating sites for everyone. There are gay dating sites. There are dating sites for obese people. They are dating sites for Muslims. Some of the women are wearing burkas in their pictures. (That’s the outfit that covers everything from head to toe.) There is something for everyone. There is probably even something for me.

Oh, by the way, that's a picture of Ernestina, the woman from Ghana who thinks I'm handsome and who she feels she's so lucky she's found. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking of course it's all real. Yes sir, for sure.