FEAR

I rarely, if ever, am scared for myself. I can be scared for others but not for me. After having serious illnesses you can either feel sorry for yourself and imagine every little thing to be a potential disaster (which I don’t), or you can look at it as you get sick and you get better and that’s life. That’s my approach.

I went for my stress test and EKG on Tuesday and returned to the doctor for the results this morning. All was fine. My tests are normal and I appear to be in good health. I only have one concern and that is that my stomach is big not because I’m fat, but for some other unknown reason. I asked the doctor to look at my stomach and he agreed with me. He then sent me upstairs to see the Gastroenterologist (stomach doctor). He looked at my stomach and he doesn’t think it’s fat either so I have a Espophago Gastroducuodenoscopy scheduled for Saturday. That’s a test where they stick a tube down your throat and into your stomach to have a look around. I think I’ve had one before. It’s just a test. No big deal.

But for some reason I’m scared of being sick again. I, who laughed at cancer, clogged carotid arteries, heart bypass surgery, and a mechanical aortic valve, am now fearful of what might be wrong with me. Logically I’m sure it’s no biggie but I have these scary thoughts running through my head. What if it’s a tumor? I’m sure it’s not, but fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all.

I wonder what I would do if I were seriously sick. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I can’t imagine what it would do to my mother if I was sick again. She’s had enough to deal with these last few years. I’m not married so I don’t have spousal support and Barbara was always very good when she had to deal with my illnesses. I know it was harder on her than on me. I was sick and it was my job to get better. She had to watch me and hope I got better. How would Elana and Leah deal with it? I like to think that they would have the attitude I always had. Dad gets sick and then he gets better.

I know I’m driving myself crazy already and I probably have nothing to worry about but I’ve been healthy for about 6 years now so I feel that it’s time to be sick again. What a fatalist!

I’m not used to being scared and it’s scary being scared. I don’t want to trouble anyone yet I don’t want to be alone. And even having a girlfriend here, I still live alone so therefore I am alone. That’s just how I look at it.

So I get to worry until Saturday. Hopefully they find something minor that is easily fixed that explains my expanded stomach. I don’t mean to scare anyone (Elana, Leah, family) but I’m scared and I can write about anything I want. I hate this.

The weekend was busy and therefore pretty good. Friday was just falling asleep to movies by myself. On Saturday morning I went with Saeyoon to her Buddhism in English class. Her father was there also and I’ve met him once before (as a friend of Saeyoon’s). They had someone talk about temple architecture and it was incredibly boring. I’m not sure how much the students understood because there was never a question and answer period as to what the English meant. The speaker was a Korean architect whose English vocabulary was good but whose grammar was bad. And she sounded boring.

After class we went to lunch with her father and some class members. They seemed like nice people and they spoke to me a little. Mostly they spoke Korean among themselves and apologized to me for it. After lunch we went to a tea house for traditional Korean tea. It wasn’t too bad. However, I was Koreaned out by then.

Saeyoon and I came back to my place and hung around and then in the evening Chummee (her girlfriend) and Chang Oh (someone in the same band as Chummee) came over to socialize. They brought Soju and Plum Wine and we ordered in some Korean food. They told me the food wasn’t good. I only had a little of it. But I did enjoy the plum wine. Chummee and Chang Oh drank the soju and Sayoon and I drank the plum wine. I was inebriated and felt good. Chang Oh was drunk and felt very good. Here is a picture of us eating.


Here is a picture of Saeyoon and Chummee.


And here’s a picture of Chang Oh, the dancing machine.


A good time was had by all. It’s the first time I’ve had visitors stay and socialize (except Saeyoon) and I enjoyed having people here. Chang Oh says that within one month he’ll invite me to his home. He will buy food (steak and salmon) and I can cook it. I look forward to it.

On Sunday Saeyoon came over and we watched “Little Miss Sunshine”. We both loved it. Alan Arkin as the grandfather cracked me up and he won the Oscar for his performance. I was quite surprised that with as few movies as I’ve seen this year, I saw the best picture (“The Departed”), the best actress (Helen Mirren in “The Queen”), and the best supporting actor. We are going to watch “Dreamgirls” tomorrow so I’ll see the best supporting actress too. Yes, “Dreamgirls” will be in theatres in Korea in March, but I have the DVD already to view. I wonder if that’s legal?

Work is okay. The kids go back to school on Friday so I’ll have a pretty regular schedule after that. During the holidays it’s always changing. Kyle says I’ll be at 4 kindergartens as I’m now the “kindergarten teacher” he sends. I’m actually good at it and very entertaining. On Monday we went to a new kindergarten for the first time and I was supposed to give a short 10 minute class. We get there and it’s opening day and the place is packed with parents. I’m supposed to teach in front of them and show them what I do. I said, “no way”, and had them bring the kids who were there to the front. I then did my routine with them and ignored the parents. It went quite well. I do not like walking into these situations where I have no clue what’s expected of me. Kyle says he didn’t know it would be like that, but as with everything he says, it’s to be taken with a grain of salt.

Saeyoon came over Monday after work and I made her macaroni and cheese. She’s never had that before and she liked it. She needed something hot with it so she ate a bowl of hot salsa too. She then just lay on the couch like the old woman she is. I said to her that this is what she does at home plus watch TV and she agreed. I think if that ever becomes my evening routine you can take me out and shoot me.

On Tuesday she was my translator at the hospital for my stress test. It would have been fine and I could have managed without her, but I think it makes the hospital workers more comfortable to have someone Korean there in case they don’t have the words in English. It was quite thoughtful of her to come with me and I appreciated it.

Last night in my adult class when they asked me what I did on the weekend, I told them of the things I did with my “girlfriend”. One of the students asked if she could ask me a very personal question and I said “yes”. She then asked me if my girlfriend spoke to me in Korean and I said we only speak English. I then asked the class if they had any more personal questions for me. Koreans love to ask personal questions and this got them asking questions in English. “How long have you known each other”? “Where did you meet”? “Is she pretty”? I have no problem answering these questions and if the topic is interesting (and I’m interesting to them), then they find the words to make themselves understood.

At the end of the class I took out my IPOD which has pictures on it and asked if anyone wanted to see a picture of Saeyoon and me. Everyone came to look but only one student noticed that Saeyoon was the woman I brought to class several weeks ago. She got a big smile on her face as she put two and two together. It was quite funny.

Last night we talked about begging and if they gave money to beggars. The subways are full of them. Most of the people do and one woman once gave about $10 to one person and gave the coat she was wearing to another. It’s so hard to tell who is needy and who is the scam artist. But the topic was good because everyone had something to say.

I love my adult class because I learn so much from them. I get some insight into the Korean mind hearing what they think. I know the English is limited and they don’t represent the whole country, but it’s nice to have a bunch of people in the same room who can speak some English that I can learn from.

Tonight Saeyoon and I are going out with Robert to say goodbye. He leaves on Friday and I’m sorry to see him go. He’s my only native English speaking friend here and he’s a good person. I’ll miss him. Saeyoon has taken to him in the couple of times the three of us have been together so she wanted to come out with us. It will be nice tonight but somewhat bittersweet.

Tomorrow is a holiday. It’s the day to commemorate the liberation from Japan so there is no work which is nice. I believe Saeyoon is coming over to watch “Dreamgirls” and then we will go the free classical concert in Seoul that I used to go to her with on Thursdays. I haven’t been for a while because of teaching Thursday night, so it will be nice. Then Friday starts the new school year and Saturday is my test at the hospital.