SOME THINGS I MISS ABOUT KOREA

It’s funny. I rarely, if ever, think about things I miss about Korea. Sometimes I wonder if I actually miss anything. Then I was driving home today. It’s October 30th and the windows were open in the car because the weather is above 60 degrees and it’s just sunny and beautiful. A fall day to kill for.

I don’t know why it triggered the thoughts it did, but what came to my mind was that I miss living in a smaller place. I miss running into kids on the street and having brief conversations with them. I miss their excitement as they try to get out a few words in English. I miss the rare moments in class when I felt I was getting somewhere and they actually understood something I was explaining.

I miss walking down the halls and kids telling me that they loved me. I miss the hugs. I miss kindergarten kids playing with the hair on my arms or looking down my shirt at my hairy chest.

I miss just sitting on a bench in school, arm in arm with a student. Nothing being said, but obviously there is some sort of bond and communication going on.

I miss balancing a chair on my head, and then putting things on it and trying to keep it all up in the air. The kids would be amazed (it doesn’t take much) and everything I would put on the chair would be something they knew the English word for.

I miss being liked. It’s that simple. Regardless of the problems I had as a teacher, and knowing full well that all of this is quite fleeting, I still miss it. How nice it is to work some place where there are over 100 people who know your name and actually like you.

Would I get excited seeing someone from work here on the street? No way. But I always got a little thrill seeing a student, whether I was walking or driving my car. I miss kids coming up to me and trying out their 10 words of English. I never tired of it. I know some foreigners did, but I never did. I was flattered that I appeared so approachable.

I had my problems there. There are problems everywhere. But there are things that I miss so much. My job doesn’t compare with what I did there, no matter how poorly I did it. I made friends and had personal relationships. The kids were my friends. No, we didn’t go out together and it was just in school or passing on the street, but I could feel the warmth I felt for them, and the warmth they felt for me. I miss it.

I was trying to think of other things I miss. I miss when things were good with Saeyoon. I miss how she could make me feel a smile in my heart. I’m sorry there couldn’t have been more positive moments, but I’m grateful for the little joys I took from the relationship.

They say (whoever they are) that you should take something from every relationship. I was thinking today that they are scars that we’re left with after a relationship. Some are bad, but some scars are good and we wear them like a badge of honor.

The two best Saeyoon moments I have to remember are brief, but to me quite unforgettable. I remember one time walking in Seoul and she said to me that she felt like the luckiest girl in the world when she was with me. No one has ever said anything like that to me.

The other thing (maybe I mentioned it before) was when I was in the hospital. I think it was the 2nd or 3rd night when I was in pretty bad shape. She took me to my room and I got into bed. She got in beside me and just lay there for about ½ an hour. I remember asking her about a week later whether it really happened or did I dream it. It was real, but it was so beautiful it had a dream quality to that.

I’m probably the only person in the world who thinks we might have had a chance to make something if she came here. In many ways I’m over her and I’ve moved on. I don’t mourn her loss. I think that’s just me. Life goes on.

I don’t spend much time thinking about my life here. I come to my empty apartment and at the moment I’m not complaining about it. I think I was living in hospitals or with others for too long. It’s almost like a treat, and I don’t think of anything. I read some, I watch some TV, I type on the computer. Of course it’s not the ideal life and I know I will have to find things to do, but for the moment it works for me.

I can’t think of what I want to do, because it might be something that requires me to move far away. I’m committed to spending at least a year here and I can’t believe it. It’s already been 5 months. I think my year started October 1st when I moved in with my one year lease. I have a 4 year lease on my car, and a 2 year cell phone commitment. But there are ways to worm out if need be. But I really don’t think about these things because I don’t want to be unhappy at the thought of being here.

I would love to be happy. I would love to be content. I would love to be “stable” and have peace. There is obviously a restlessness to me that I must come to grips with. I know life is about the journey and not the destination. But sometimes I just have to try and turn everything off and stay still.

It was good to remember and miss the good things about Korea.