I MISS MY KIDS

It’s been almost 4 months since the last post and I suppose a lot has gone on in my life. I’ve made some major life decisions that I think are good, but of course only time will tell. But that is not what does possess me to post tonight. My post has nothing to do with Korea (as it seems as if Korea belongs to another life).

It’s this aging thing and relating to my kids that has me baffled and sometimes depressed. I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to adjust to, and although I can fake it at times and all is well, it tears me apart at other times.

We all have a picture of how we see ourselves. The thing I’ve enjoyed most in life was having kids. They gave me the gift of laughter (among other things). They were good, they were funny, and they were just 2 great people to be around. I adored and still do adore them. I think I was a good father at raising them (and their mother was and is a good mother). I gave them freedom to be who they wanted and I don’t think I ever forced them to conform to what I wanted them to be. All the things I said I’d never do when I was a parent, I never did. I think they loved me very much and we just liked spending time together.

I know that as kids get older, there are people they would rather spend time with than their parents. Of course, for Elana, I made it difficult for her to be with me, but I think she’s coming around. Leah is happily married and I’m thrilled. I will take off and live in a new country at the drop of a hat, but I’m sad that Leah lives so far away and I don’t see her much.

I guess my point is that my kids would rather spend time with others than with me. I know that sounds self pitying, and it probably is, but it’s how I see things. Leah was just in town and her and Elana love to spend time together, and I love to see them together. They were always good sisters and it touches me to see that. But not once do they say to me, “Dad, let’s the four of us (Taylor too) do something together”. Or even the five of us (let’s include Elana’s boyfriend for this one). I feel left out and I wonder what I did to deserve this.

I don’t know if I’m wrong or if I’m right, I only know that when I feel left out like this, I feel unbearably lonely. I question whether my children truly love me. I know as a parent that you would lay down your life for your child, but as a child (and I’m still someone’s child), how far would we go for a parent? It’s a question I wrestle with and at the moment I live here in Canada basically because of my mother. Sometimes I do things for myself, and sometimes I put others first. You just have to pick your spots.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I’ll be 53. I find that hard to believe. As many others before me have said, where have the years gone? And what will I do tomorrow? I will get up, go to work, come home, do laundry, eat a frozen pizza, watch a DVD, read, and then go to sleep. I’ve never been big on birthdays, but my day coming tomorrow sounds pretty pathetic.

I miss my kids. I miss the times we shared. I want a piece of that back. They’ve been “grown up” for a while but I haven’t made the jump to letting go. Or maybe it’s not me and my kids just don’t have that feeling for me that they had when they were younger. Maybe I’m just the obligation to be put up with. I don’t know.

So I will continue to struggle with this. It is depressing. I love them so much and I guess I just want to feel loved, wanted, and needed. I want a piece of the “old days” to still be here.