BEFUDDLEMENT

The dictionary definition of befuddlement is, “confusion resulting from failure to understand”. That’s my normal state of being. I walk around in a state of befuddlement. I go out in a state of befuddlement. I live my life in a state of befuddlement. Not only do I understand Koreans less than I use to, I think I even understand myself less than I used to. And to think one of the reasons I felt I took this journey was for self-discovery. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think, that my self-discovery is that I don’t understand.

There was a time about 11 years ago I remember quite clearly. I was working in an office in Durant, Oklahoma (avoid it at all costs) when I felt I had an epiphany. And what was this great epiphany? I thought that knowing that you understand nothing means you understand the basic rule of life. When did I start thinking again that I could understand things? I don’t know but boy, I did get fooled again.

I went to Outback (yeah!) with my friend Yoon Soo last night. I asked him where he wanted to go for dinner and he said someplace with rice. Like Koreans don’t eat enough rice that they have to go to restaurants to have more. He asked me where I wanted to go and I said that I always choose and that wasn’t fair. He forced me to make a suggestion. I said I felt like Outback and he said that was fine. I said, “can you get rice at Outback?” He said yes. Guess what? No rice at Outback. Good for Outback. Just because we’re in Korea doesn’t mean you have to serve rice. Yoon Soo expressed amazement that there was no rice. So I did what good friends do in a situation like this. I made fun of him. It’s one of the reasons we’re friends. I can joke with him and he gets it most of the time. Humor is one of the most difficult things to understand across cultures so it’s a great thing that we can share my “unique” sense of humor.

Now one of the reasons he’s fond of me (and I believe I’ve mentioned it before) is that he can tell me things he can’t tell anyone else. I’m a good listener. He’s an unusual Korean in that he wishes to express his feelings which of course isn’t done. So it works. I fill a need for him. So while were talking on a variety of subjects, the subject turned to his marital situation. As I’ve written before, he’s separated from his wife although no one at work knows this because he’d lose face.

I asked how long they’ve been separated and he told me six years. I almost fell out of my chair. That’s a long time. “Why no divorce”, I enquired. The reason is that his wife doesn’t want a divorce and he says in Korea (with a more than 50% divorce rate) you can’t get a divorce unless the wife wants one. It’s to protect the woman. I asked him if he had told his wife to “forget it. I’m not coming back.” He said he hasn’t. He wants a divorce but he feels a responsibility to his family he doesn’t live with. I said that of course he has a responsibility to his kids, but his wife is still young (40) and she should get on with her life. He says the old Korean women say that you wait long enough, the man will come back. That used to be true, but not anymore. He also is afraid she’ll try to kill herself. He said that when he first left, she tried to commit suicide. I told him she was probably in shock and didn’t know what she was doing. I tried to be logical. “Does she love her children?” He says yes. I said, “Are her children the most important thing in her life?” He said yes. I said she won’t kill herself. (I don’t know but geez, six years!)

The other thing I asked him was, “do you date?” He said, no because it’s against the law. I don’t know if people get thrown in jail for it, and this is a country where you can rent motel rooms by the hour, but you can’t have an affair while you’re still married. Even if you’re separated. A state of befuddlement? Me? Ha and Ha.

Why did he get separated? It seems he used to keep a diary. (Note to those with diaries. Burn them.) He felt a hole in his heart and that he didn’t love his wife. There was no passion. So he fixated on another woman although nothing happened, he wrote all about it in his diary. And you’ll never guess what? His wife found it. I said in my most sarcastic voice, “What a shock”. If you have something you don’t want anyone to know, then keep it to yourself.

He tried to explain to his wife that nothing happened and she didn’t believe him. What’s unbelievable to me in this whole thing is that he’s surprised she didn’t believe him. In fact, he said he can’t forgive her for not believing him. I basically told him that he’s an idiot (but much nicer than that). Of course she doesn’t believe him. It was a secret and even when the most innocent secrets are found out, people assume the worst. After all, if it was innocent it wouldn’t have been a secret.

I fear that that someone in Mee Kyung’s family will find out about our friendship. It’s innocent, but I’m sure it will be the end of her if it’s found out. Her family will think the worst. It’s so unfair in this case because we really are just friends. She should explain that to her family before anyone else finds out. She should “go modern”. I won’t end the friendship with her, because I’m selfish and I enjoy her company, but I get really sick when I think about the possibilities of what could happen.

So, Yoon Soo isn’t moving home. He likes living by himself. He’s not telling his wife that he’s never moving back so she can keep thinking that maybe one day he’ll come back. He won’t date (so that’s a good thing because he’s saving himself some potentially serious aggravation). No one at work knows he’s separated.

These people are crazy. Forget that it’s a different culture. How did they fail to evolve. I think Darwin’s theory of evolution is shot to hell here. I’m not judging them (I hope), I just think they’re nuts. I’m nuts, but I’m nuts in a different way.

Do husbands and wives tell each other that they love each other? Rarely if ever. (Of course I learn this stuff from Yoon Soo and I find he’s pretty accurate in what I observe of Koreans.) What happens if a wife tells her husband, “I love you.” The husband thinks something is wrong. I got a picture of “I Love Lucy” in my head when he said this.
Lucy: Ricky honey, I love you.
Ricky: Lucy, what did you do now?

Sad, sad, sad. Now we don’t all have to be like me and wear our emotions on our sleeves, but isn’t it good to show emotions? I wonder if it makes them ill to keep everything inside, or if they really have made it to the place where they have no feelings. I don’t know and I don’t understand. Befuddlement. Put it on my tombstone.

Martin King
1955 - ????
“He lived his life in a state of befuddlement.”

Okay, got that taken care of. I wrote my own epitaph. There was a movie called, “Let No Man Write My Epitaph”. I always thought that was a cool title for a movie and now I’m living it. I never saw it but what a cast! Burl Ives, Shelley Winters, James Darren, Ricardo (Corinthian leather) Montalban, and Ella Fitzgerald. This ranks up there with Captain’s Log, Supplemental. Maybe there is a purpose in me being here.

Today was week two of camp, with a whole new cast of characters. How was it? My first question to the assembled group was “What did you do last week?” Blank stares. No answers. Lost in space. My follow up was, “Who knows what a week is?” Blank stares. No answers. I really wasn’t in the mood for this. Part of the reason it put me in a bad mood was that I wasn’t prepared for it. The things I did last week won’t work with this group. I should have been told, “in week 2 you will have students who know nothing”. Then I could have been better prepared.

One of the plans for today was to watch “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. It’s great and well worth watching. It holds up so well and Gene Wilder is perfect. So I asked, “Who wants to see the movie?” Blank stares. No answers. “Who understands what I’m asking?” Blank stares. No answers. “What does ‘who wants’ mean?” Blank stares. No answers.

As I’ve said before, these are kids in their 5th or 6th years of learning English. I’m not holding up very well at this point. I’m trying very hard to not lose it. I’m sure I wasn’t hiding my disappointment and horror at their lack of ability. (And shame on me for that). I pick up a marker and I say, “Who doesn’t want me to throw this at them?” and I mime throwing it. Blank stares. No answers. So I threw it at one kid. Not hard. Light toss. I then asked the same question and I still got no answers. I had to throw the marker at about 8 different kids before they would answer no to “Do you want me to throw the marker at you?” Maybe they’re slow. I know that I speak slowly and I always tell them that any answer is okay. I don’t care about mistakes.

Last week when I showed it, I showed it in English with English subtitles which I think was good for them. Today I put on the Korean subtitles because they wouldn’t have understood one thing without them. I have to adapt as a babysitter. We came back to the classroom after the movie. “Who liked the movie?” Blank stares. No answers. “Is it time to go home?” That one they knew. I got several yeses, so I dismissed them for my own sake.

There are so many ways I can look at this. It’s a total waste of my time even if I have nothing else to do. It’s a waste of the kids time. I have no idea how to teach. I have no idea how to teach slow children. I just plain stink as a teacher. I don’t have the patience to work with poor students. I have no desire to work with these kids. Take your pick. It’s a bit of all of them, I think.

How am I going to do a movie with them? I’m not giving them ideas and writing the script because their English is non-existent. Of course, there’s always the possibility that they’ll be inspired and be touched by the hand of the English gods and suddenly speak. I can do cooking because you don’t have to say much. Just hand out ingredients in the proper order, mime mixing, and write the amounts to use on the board. I have the Wizard of Oz for Thursday. But I just don’t have the get up and go to figure out how to teach them something overnight.

It really is sad. I shouldn’t treat them like imbeciles. Maybe it’s not their fault. Maybe they’ve needed special attention which isn’t available in the Korean school system. Forty kids a class and nobody fails. Keep them doggies rolling, Rawhide. I expect to see Rowdy Yates riding up on his horse and moving the kids up to the next grade.

I’ve slept with my electric fan on the last 2 nights. It’s muggy. Yoon Soo was complaining about the heat yesterday. I laughed at him. I said when were you studying in Austin and San Antonio? He said it was a July and an August. I said, “and you call this hot?” That ended his complaining. I’d prefer air conditioning but I’m not dying. I will lie on a hardwood floor at home because I tend to stick to the furniture which isn’t too pleasant.

Phillip Ober was also in “Let No Man Write My Epitaph”. He was married to Vivian Vance in real life. William Frawley wasn’t really married to Vivian Vance and if what I’ve read is to be believed, he didn’t even like her. Hard to believe that Fred and Ethel didn’t like each other.

“I Love Lucy” is over 55 years old. I find that I’m becoming aware of my age more and more as time passes. I don’t feel old, but I realize I’m not young. I have less years to live, than I have lived so far. (Most likely). That’s amazing. Where did it all go? What have I accomplished? Was I supposed to accomplish something? Gosh, no wonder I’m in a state of befuddlement.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Okay, I’ve been asked the question, “what you doing there?” It’s a reasonable question and one that I consider from time to time. I wish I had a snappy rejoinder to the question, but I don’t. Why am I here? I don’t know.

It’s very strange but for someone unknown reason I just feel like I need to be here. Do I believe in fate? Not really. If there is “fate”, then I go with the group that says we make our own fate.

Is there some mystical reason that will eventually be revealed to me, or I’ll see it clearly so that I know? I don’t know. It would be cool if I’m here for a reason but I suppose that would just be another trip to Fantasy Island for me.

Maybe I just don’t know what I’d do in North America, so this is easiest for me. I have a job I can sort of do. I do derive some pleasure from it. I have no personal responsibilities. I can hide out from the troubles of the world. I don’t have to think about the future. It might be these things.

Maybe I just want something exciting to happen to me and I feel I have to be thousands of miles away for that to happen. Beats me.

There’s no easy answer to the question. It might be a combination of everything above. Usually I feel it’s a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation. There must be a reason I’m here and even if I don’t know it yet, I’ll find it. Intellectually I know that this probably isn’t true, but emotionally I want it to be true.

I guess I’m here until I feel it’s futile and I’m not getting too much out of it. I don’t think that South Korea will be my final resting place. It can be fun to be in a place where understanding the people is a puzzle, but I’m sure a lifetime of that would make me more nuts than usual.

If I were to sit down and make a ledger with one side giving the reasons to return to North America, and the other side having the reasons to stay in Korea, the return side would win easily. But this isn’t an exercise in logic. It’s an emotional thing so the emotional side wins regardless of how foolhardy it might be.

And just maybe, some bolt of lightening will strike me from the sky and all will be revealed. This won’t be the first time I’ve been on a fool’s errand, and going by my track record, it’s probably not the last time. It can be frustrating, it can be depressing, it can be enjoyable, but it’s definitely not the normal life. I do derive pleasure from knowing I can do these things, regardless of logic, knowing that not many people would ever do something so radically different.

When I was doing community theatre in Tyler, I asked one of the actors I was in a play with why he did this. His answer was he liked to be on stage because he knew that it was something that most people couldn’t do. I think my life is some version of that. I do things because I know others can’t so it makes me feel different. Not better than others, just different.

We finished the shooting of the movie yesterday. Now I have to edit it and put it together. It was a fun exercise that I think the kids enjoyed. I know I did. I’ll post the finished product when it’s finished. It should only be a couple of minutes. Here is a picture of all the kids involved, except for one. She is the best student I have, but came to camp at 8:30 yesterday morning to tell me that she was sorry but she had to go to a different camp and wouldn’t be there. That’s pretty classy to come in for just that reason. I don’t know if it was her idea, or her parent’s idea. We ordinarily think with a 14 or 15 year old, it’s something the parents made them do, but with this girl I wouldn’t be surprised if it was her idea. As much as you can love a student, I love her. She’s polite, she’s thoughtful, she’s intelligent, she’s friendly, she has a desire to learn, and I just love her company because she puts a smile on my face.


Here is a picture of the girl who I would call the director, who impressed me so much. As far as surprises go, getting to know her better was one of the highlights of the week. She is now another one I’ve fallen in love with. She looks like she’s all business here.


After that it was time for my cooking class. Half way through the class I decided that I don’t want to be the English teacher anymore. I want to be the cooking teacher. It was so much fun. The kids were so enthusiastic. They were rushing through the recipe and I was holding them back so we would do everything properly at the same time. I split the class into 3 groups of 4 which was a good size. I was sure that the finished product would be a disaster. I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no idea if the ingredients here will work. Here are the 3 groups of kids.




When they were mixing the ingredients and at one point it looked like this, I thought we were done for.


Here’s a picture of them putting in the ingredients.


Here they are doling out the dough onto the baking sheet.


Here they are keeping an eye on how they’re doing.


And, voila, the finished product.


Here is a brief video of the kids at work and me trying to get them to send greetings overseas. Notice the blank looks in their eyes the first time I ask and how I repeat several times in slightly different ways to try and make myself understood. Eventually it works.


And finally, one group while waiting for the cookies to finish, played some sort of game I have no idea about anything about it. It was just fascinating for me to watch.


And, surprise of surprises, the cookies were edible. They weren’t great. They sort of tasted like oatmeal but I think the kids skimped on the amount they put in. The kids thought they were good and ate them. The boys ate all of theirs in the class and the girls ate most and divided up the rest to take home. One group made me a special cookie. It was covered in raisins. I think they knew I liked raisins because I kept stealing bunches from the raisin package.

It was definitely a worthwhile project. Did it have anything to do with English? Not really except for me pointing out what to do in English. I hope they’re a little bit more comfortable with listening to English and speaking it. What I provide is just using English in everyday life situations. Making a movie or cooking are not English activities. I don’t plan the class around learning certain vocabulary and memorization of words. I just treat it as a regular activity, and like I said previously, they have to talk to me in English to get in done. I think it’s much better when they try to listen and speak out of necessity to get a job done, rather than to try and memorize things.

I don’t think I’ll enjoy it as much next week, but I hope I’m wrong. It’s a new bunch of kids so there will be new group dynamics. I hope that I have a majority of students who are interested in being there. I wish I really knew if they had mostly fun this past week. If I ask, they say “yes”, but that might just be the reflex, expected answer. I feel they enjoyed themselves. They seemed to, and they never really looked bored. If I provided a good time for them, and made just a small advance in their comfort level with the language, then I feel I did a good job.

I’M SO TIRED OF SAYING THIS

But I’ve said it before and I’ll say I it again and I’m sure I’ll say it even more times but I don’t understand Koreans. It’s not the language. I’m convinced of that. I’m talking about all Koreans, even those that majored in English in University. I can’t possibly be as dense as I feel at times. Here is today’s latest example.

Before summer vacation, I said to Mankee (the science teacher who majored in chemistry and English at university) to give me a call if he wanted to get together over the holidays. I was hoping he would call, because I’ve enjoyed my conversations with him, and I think he truly is a nice person. (Although he has said that he’s hit kids in class. Why can’t the world be in black and white?)

Last week he said to me, “see you on Thursday or Friday” when I was leaving. I said to him, “are you working next week” and he gave the typical Korean answer to a yes/no question. “Maybe”. Okay, whatever. Today when I left my afternoon camp classroom at 5PM, Mankee was there with his girlfriend. I don’t do this camp at the school we work at, it’s at another school. It was a nice surprise to see him and meet his girlfriend. He excused himself to use his phone and I chatted with his girlfriend. She teaches English at an Academy and is studying for her exam in December to become a public school teacher. I really enjoyed our brief conversation and would enjoy talking more with her. Mankee comes back and says, “let’s go”. Pardon me? What if I had plans? I had no idea he was coming. He never made arrangements with me. Maybe his “see you on Thursday or Friday” was an indication that he would show up at my camp to go out. I don’t know. I don’t understand. Fortunately I had no plans so it was a nice, unexpected surprise. He lives in Ilsan so he drove in specially to go out (I think). I said I just have to go upstairs and get my stuff which I did.

I come back and Mankee and his girlfriend are outside. He says to me, “I thought we would have coffee but I can’t because I have to work at 7.” Huh? I said, “did you just find this out?” and guess what he said? You’re right if you guessed, “maybe.” He said that we will get together another time.

Why was he at the school to meet me? I don’t understand anything. I just shake my head in bewilderment. I mean, sometimes it’s frustrating to not understand things when it’s important for my work or personal relationships, and sometimes I’m just speechless. I DON’T GET IT!!!!! Maybe there really is a cabal of Koreans whose purpose it is to drive me crazy. I have news for them. It’s working.

Will I see Mankee again? Beats me. I hope so. I hope he calls and sets a firm time and date. I hope him, his girlfriend, and me have coffee together. I could say “I don’t get it” a million times, and I wouldn’t have said it enough. But enough of this.

A woman teacher at the camp said to me today, “can I ask you a personal question?” Usually Koreans just ask the question without the polite preamble. I told her, “yes, of course.” First she asked me about my earring and if I can buy just one or do I have to buy a pair and just use one. That’s pretty personal. I told her that I buy just one. She was surprised by that. Then she said that she had heard that if a man wears an earring in a certain ear it means he’s gay. I told her about right ear/left ear and that I didn’t know if that was still true. Those were her personal questions.

Today at camp this morning we started to shoot our movie. We had to make some location changes as it was pouring rain outside. I thought it was a hoot. The kids were having fun and I was laughing. Unfortunately the camera battery ran out so we will have to do the rest tomorrow.

The first person to do the filming was this boy who knows no English and I’m not crazy about. It’s not because he knows no English, it’s because he doesn’t pay any attention and just talks and wastes my time. The second person to film was terrific. It was a girl and she took charge. It was quite something to see. She wasn’t bossy, but she was in total control. She was very adult and almost professional. I hadn’t really noticed her before because she’s in the middle and you tend to notice the best and worst students the most. I really enjoyed watching her work.

I have a few outtakes to share from today’s shooting. They’re short and if you listen carefully, they really are pronouncing the words correctly behind the thick accents.







We also watched “The Wizard of Oz” today. I asked some kids if they liked it and they said yes, but they didn’t understand very much. They thought it was funny. I was amazed once again just how good it is. As usual, I felt like crying at all the corny sayings that I love like, “a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.” I was able to limit myself to only wet eyes. I was so proud of myself.

Tomorrow we finish the movie. I have no idea how the editing will go. I haven’t tried editing anything from this camera yet. I hope it turns out well enough that the kids get a laugh out of it. We also make oatmeal raisin cookies. “Mashee-soy-yo”, I hope. (That’s delicious in Korean.)

CAMP IS TOLERABLE

Okay, I admit, it’s not killing me. I am pleased that I still get pleasure from the decent students. I swear if they were the same girls, but 25 years older, I’d marry a bunch of them. I love their enthusiasm, their desire to learn, their politeness, their thoughtfulness, and the way some of them look at me. Okay, that’s a little sick, but I can’t help it. It makes me feel good.

Today a girl asked me if I was tired. Yes, I was. But it’s the way they notice these things, pick up on moods, and show concern that amazes me. I would love to see inside their heads and what they really think and how their minds work. I’ve never been around kids like this. I taught in Israel 26 years ago, but I don’t think the kids were this kind. I knew Elana and Leah’s friends, but I was just their dad. I’m not exactly friends with these kids because there is that teacher/pupil distance, but it’s close. If I had a soul, I would sell it to be the teacher of a room full of good students.

Yesterday one of the things I did was play a game with the kids. It really isn’t a great game for teaching “English”, but it’s fun. It’s called the “thimble game”. I put some water in a small cup (and since I was going to be “it” for the 1st round, I didn’t want the kids to know what I was doing). You sit the kids in a circle and you tell them you’re thinking of a word from a category. For example, the category is color so you have the word “red” in your head. You tell the kids the object of the game is to not win. You start and each student has to guess the word you’re thinking of. When someone gets it, you toss the water at them. The first time when I was it, it was fabulous. The kids were shocked, the boy who got wet couldn’t believe it, and we all had a good laugh. Then the one that guessed the word gets to be it, with a cup of water. As you go around the circle and the kids haven’t guessed the word yet, you can see them getting a little more nervous and answering with their hands in front of their faces. The game was a huge hit, taught no English, but it did let those poor kids stuck in school during the summer have a fun break.

In continuing my theme of “I’m not really teaching English”, our next project is to develop a story and write a script to make a short movie. I might as well use my video camera for something useful. Of course, when you start discussing it, you get these big ideas like, let’s do a fantasy. I then explain we can’t quite put together a “Lord of the Rings” epic in a day. I remind them that all scenery, costumes, props, and anything in the film has to be provided by them. And, we are stuck to the confines of the school and the surrounding area around the school.

Since I’m in on the discussion, it has to be in English. The kids talk among themselves in Korean and then present their ideas to me in English a lot of the time. It’s not ideal, but it’s practical and they do get to use some English without being force fed. In a way I’m not the teacher, I’m just another kid working with them who just happens to speak a different language so they need to be patient with me and explain things in my language. We got a general idea yesterday for the movie.

Today we got into details. The kids broke out into groups to discuss things and tighten up the story, and they were discussing it in Korean. I know some teachers would say, “English only please” but if I did that, I might get a little more English, but I’d lose a whole bunch of creativity. I’m more interested in seeing them develop their thinking process than being proficient in English. It’s not my job to do that, and I know that, but I feel it’s a higher priority. If I have a chance to help them think things out regardless of the language, then I’ve done something worthwhile.

I’m quite pleased with the final result of our short story and script. They kept it reasonably simple with enough acting parts for most kids. The ones who aren’t acting will do the filming. I think they did a damn fine job. The story is an old one (a take on the “Sword and the Stone). I think an Indiana Jones character got in their too. There is a search for a sword that makes the finder of it the new king. There are monsters (kids playing themselves you could say), there are bad guys, there is our hero, an ordinary person, and an archeologist who helps him. It ends up that we have a girl playing the ordinary person who finds the sword (the kids call this person the “ordinary” person), and another girl playing the archeologist. At the end when they find the sword, the ordinary person asks the archeologist to be their queen and to marry them. The archeologist says, “I love you”. I let the kids choose who plays what part so it ended up with 2 girls in the lead. The first time we read through, the “I love you” came out as a whisper. I told them they had to say it with emotion and I laid it on thick as I said it. The 2nd time we read through, the girl who said “I love you” to the other girl, did it right and it was funny as hell. We film tomorrow and I hope it comes out good. It’s just a fun exercise. There’s a bit of English but most of the English comes from just working with me and communicating.

The afternoon camp yesterday was almost like there were different kids there, even though they were the same. On Monday, I thought they were brilliant. Yesterday, I thought they were almost useless. Very strange. Yesterday’s lesson was much harder but as a test of what they can do, I’d say most of them failed. My co-teacher yesterday was a nice man who has taught English for years and has a terrible accent. He says, like many Koreans do, “English-E” and “Orange-E”. It’s painful to listen and not correct him because I should only correct the teacher after class and not in front of the students. However, when they were answering questions I told one student they had the right answer. He came over and said it wasn’t. I’m trying to explain to him in a nice way that he’s misunderstanding the question asked, and why what he thinks is the right answer is totally wrong. He says the book said what he said is the right answer. I said, “then the book is wrong”. It was a tough call. I don’t want to have these friendly discussions in front of the kids, but I don’t want them getting bad information. I was as friendly as I could be so I think (and hope) he wasn’t offended.

One of the teacher’s at this camp comes from Toronto. Small world I know. In a bizarre twist, he’s been in Korea several times in the last 10 years teaching and he married a Korean. He’s here now teaching again, and his wife is in Toronto. We went out to dinner last night (the famous Korean restaurant called Bennigan’s). We talked quite easily for about 4 and half hours in the restaurant. It was a pleasant evening and he’s a nice man. He’s 40 so we can relate on a lot of the same levels. It will be nice to have another friend here in Paju to hang out with occasionally.

Gee, I haven’t really bitched about anything in this post. I could, but I’m still on a “love” high from the pleasure I get from most of the girls in my camp class. The boys could go jump off a pier as far as I’m concerned. But for now, I’ll stick to the good, and disregard the bad.

I’m off to the afternoon camp. We’re playing another game today so time should go fast. I think the kids there like me, because I’m crazy. Yesterday when they kept answering the questions wrong, I’d roll my eyes and then go to the wall and start banging my head against it. So they know they’re wrong, they know I’m disappointed their not getting it, and they know I’m not angry but am having fun with them. Sometimes I’m not bad at this teaching game. But as a full-time, 5 day a week, many different classes job, it’s a tough job.

I GUESS IT’S NOT GOOD TO TAKE A NAP IN CLASS

I went to sleep rather late last night. 5AM to be exact so I didn’t really get a lot of sleep. I dragged myself into school today for camp on time. There were a wide selection of levels of kids in the class, which is unfortunate. I had some of the really bad learners and some of the really good ones, and most in the middle. I had to separate some of the poor students from the start because they were talking to each other, and I had to threaten to take away two cell phones.

I made everyone tell me what they did on the weekend. There will be no escape from them talking in English, regardless of how bad they are. If they’re silent, I just wait them out. And when I get tired of waiting, I ask questions. Eventually a few words in English come out, and that’s a start.

After that I read to them from the first chapter of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. I told them to make a note of the words they didn’t understand, and then they could ask me questions. There were more questions than I thought there would be. When my best student asked what “wall” meant, I knew this wouldn’t be a picnic.

Of course, the useless ones don’t ask questions. I got a couple of questions from some of the weak students which was a step in the right direction. The best students ask the most questions and all I can hope for is the others are listening. I realize I hope for too much.

After that it was time to watch “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. It took forever to get the DVD to work because I was told it would work in a classroom from a computer hooked to a TV. Nope. Bad information but what else is new. I was very annoyed but I had the idea that the next day I’d bring in my DVD player and we’d do it then. The vice principal saw us going back to class and asked Min Kyung (who was trying to get the DVD work like she said it would), what the problem was. He said we should go to auditorium and they had a set-up where we could watch it. I’m glad someone there knows what to do.

The film starts. I play it in English with English subtitles and hope they get something out of it. Most of the kids are watching it, and a few are talking so I ask them to be quiet. They talk occasionally but I really can’t be bothered to keep telling them to shut up. The movie is good but I’m tired and slouching in my seat at the back. I fell asleep. The next thing I know, Min Kyung is waking me up and saying the vice principal came in and saw me sleeping and that isn’t good. I agree. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. That was wrong of me. However, I don’t know why the man didn’t wake me up instead of sending his lackey to do it. And she mentioned it about five times that I shouldn’t fall asleep. Maybe she thinks I’m hard of hearing.

We didn’t get to watch the whole movie because of the problems getting the DVD to work so we’ll finish it tomorrow. Min Kyung asks me if I brought my lunch. Huh? Like I’m staying at school after camp. I don’t think so. I said, “No. I’m going home”. She reminds me I have the city camp to do this afternoon. Great. I need to be reminded every day. After all, I’m just the idiot foreigner.

Min Kyung asks if I’ve done lesson plans for the English camp. “No”, I say. She says I have to do them and to write what materials I’m using in the classes. She’s hung up on this materials thing. She says I should turn in my materials and I take a necktie out of my bag (I was going to use it as a blindfold for a game) and I said that I’m not giving the school my tie. It’s getting to the point where if she were to say to me, “Nice weather we’re having”, it would annoy me.

I’m at home and Mankee (the English speaking science teacher) calls me to remind me I have camp. I like the man but I said to him, “who told you to call me?” He said no one did, he was doing it on his own. So, I thanked him for his thoughtfulness. Then ½ hour later the city camp calls and asks if I’m coming. What is with everyone? I have a job, why wouldn’t I go. It’s almost like they are going out of their way to annoy me.

I went to the wrong school for the camp. The directions they gave me were useless. The school I went to couldn’t tell me how to get to the school I wanted. I called the man from the camp who called me and told him I was lost and where I was. He couldn’t explain to me how to get to the right school. He sent another teacher to come and get me. I followed him to the school and it was so easy to go to. Of course, if someone would have just told me the way, I wouldn’t have had a problem.

I had 2 classes with a co-teacher and we played a game in each class. It wasn’t work. It was quite easy but I was so envious. These kids are the best in the city. What a difference between what I have and these kids. There was one of my students in one of the two classes I had. I would die for classes like this.

I get a knock on my door at 9PM tonight. It’s one of the security people with something for me to sign. It seems like twice a week someone is coming by with something for me to sign. What am I signing? I have no idea. I just know there sure are a lot of things to sign. Maybe I’m signing that I agree to working with people who annoy me. Who knows?

IS STUPIDITY A LIFESTYLE CHOICE?

It’s a good question. I don’t know the answer, but I guess the answer is yes. But sometimes you do stupid things, you know exactly you’re doing some stupid thing, but you just let it happen to you because you want to believe in make-believe. That’s always been a small problem of mine from time to time. An irrational belief in make-believe. Or, with apologies to Paul Simon, maybe I still am crazy after all these years.

I’m listening to Leonard Cohen now which is never a good sign. I like him but he isn’t exactly the most cheerful voice you can listen to. I think if you’re up, he can bring you down. And if you’re down, he can make sure you stay there.

I went to Seoul yesterday and met Robert there. We were to meet at Starbucks (where else?) but as I was almost there I called him and asked if he would mind if we skipped Starbucks and got a drink. I’m not a big drinker. I haven’t gone out drinking in Korea for the purpose of drinking. I’ve had the odd drink but that’s it, but yesterday I wanted a drink. Since this rarely happens to me, it doesn’t frighten me. So Robert (also not a big drinker) was kind enough to indulge me.

We picked a bar at random and went in. We were two of the few people in there. I may appear to be cynical, but I really am a trusting person. If you tell me something, I’ll believe you. I can be naïve. I looked naïve up in the dictionary and it was my picture there. And you know what, sometimes you just want to believe things even though deep inside you know it’s not real.

I ordered a Bloody Mary and it was awful, but I drank it. While I was drinking it a young lady came in to the bar to work. Since there were next to no people in the bar, there didn’t seem to be much work to do, but you only need 1 customer to do this work.

She sat down beside me and started talking to me. My drink was starting to have an effect (plus the 2nd and 3rd to come) on me, and I was feeling a little better than depressed. This woman’s English was good and we were chatting. I asked her how old she was. She asked me why did I want to know, and I said I was doing a Korean thing. Korean’s are quite straightforward with some questions, and the age question is one of them. She told me 30 which may be true. I’m no good at guessing ages, and even worse at Oriental ages. She asked me how old I was and I said guess. She looks at me closely and says 38. Is that what she really thought? Maybe, maybe not. I think Orientals aren’t so great at guessing Western ages.

I asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said no. So I said something that I must have heard in a movie somewhere, because I swear I’ve never said this before. “Why doesn’t a pretty girl like you have a boyfriend”. I love alcohol sometimes. So she plays modest and I tell her how pretty she is. I’m playing my part perfectly.

She asks if I’ll buy her a drink. I think, “why not”. I’m enjoying this game. She’s playing with my arms, and she’s playing with my eyebrows (they can go wild), and she’s holding my hand, and sometimes human touch can go a long way depending on how you feel. A lot of times I might have felt, “don’t touch me”, but my emotional balance lately craved human connection.

I asked her out. I don’t know if I’ve ever asked out a girl in a bar. I don’t think so. She says yes, so a little light goes on thinking “this isn’t real”, but I make a conscious decision to ignore it. I said we could go out and learn more about each other. She said we could have coffee and talk, go for dinner, and then walk and hold hands. I thought that was a strange thing to say, but hey, it’s what I wanted to hear.

“Will you buy me another drink?” Sure, I’m happy to. I give her my phone number and she says she’ll call me around noon to set up a meet. Part of me knows this isn’t real, part of me wants to ignore what I know and pretend. Sometimes I think that’s pathetic, but other times it doesn’t seem pathetic. It’s just some kind of basic need for a connection. One of the most important things in life, is connections. I want to believe in them.

We’re talking, she has her arms around me, and I’m buying drinks. I had no money so I asked Robert if he would cover me and I’d pay him back later. He said no problem and I don’t know what he’s thinking. I am quite aware that I’m being kind of rude to him, but maybe he’s enjoying me making a “fool” out of myself. I guess I could have charged admission.

On about the 5th drink of hers I ask her to give me her glass. She says, “why?” I said I wanted to smell the wine but she wouldn’t give me the glass. Strange. I asked her why she wouldn’t let me smell it, and she said, “don’t you trust me?” I had my doubts before but with that I had pretty much no doubt about what was happening.

Now even though I know all this, I play along a little longer because I want to. I want to pretend that some attractive young woman finds me attractive and charming and interesting. Why not? I’m not a bad person. I just have these dreams that sometimes cause people (including me) trouble.

At one point the glass was on the bar so I just picked it up and smelled it. It had as much wine in it as tap water does. I knew this before, but I was saddened to have it confirmed.

I wasn’t going to write this up. I said to Robert later that this would make a good blog entry and he agreed. I said I can’t write this up as it might upset some people and some people just wouldn’t understand it. He said it’s my blog, and I should write what I want. I gave it a lot of thought, and it’s part of what’s happening in my life, and my mood. I am what I am and sometimes I’m not the shiniest penny. Why advertise it to the world? Because it’s part of me, and it doesn’t make me a bad or evil person. I suffer from depression at times and bouts of almost unbearable loneliness. When these things happen, you really want to believe that some great miracle can happen. Intellectually you know it can’t happen, but that doesn’t stop you from wanting so hard to believe.

After my 3rd drink (as I said, I’m not a big drinker), it’s time to split and look for dinner. I’m given the tab and the price for the “wine” was beyond absurd. I just said, “I’m not paying these prices”. The young woman who seemed to fancy me, wasn’t quite as warm anymore. I wonder why? She says, “didn’t I know it would cost that?” I told her that I’d never been in a bar like this before so I had no idea. I told her that I was a trusting person and that I thought everything was on the up and up. She says, “don’t you have a credit card?” I told her I didn’t and she asked me why I didn’t have a credit card. I told her that credit cards can get you in trouble. I said I didn’t have the money they wanted and I wasn’t paying that.

The manager/bartender woman offers to make me a special deal. Fifty percent off. I said no. I gave them the price I would pay. It was too much, but I chose to play the “fool” so there is a penalty to pay. We’re haggling over the price when I said, “Okay, call the police and we’ll settle this”. She said, “Don’t say police” and accepted my payment.

The woman who was sitting with me, walks me to the door. I told her that I didn’t know that this sort of thing went on and that I trusted that everything was on the up and up. I told her that she should call me the next day if she wanted to spend some time with a decent person and we could go out for coffee and conversation. She said she’d call because she was still playing her part. Robert and I departed that fine establishment.

Was I upset? No, not at all. I was laughing. I’d never been hit up by a “B” girl. Maybe if I hung out in bars more, I’d know more. It was a new experience, it was Fantasy Island, it took my mind off my problems, and I saw the humor in all of it. Robert said he’d be upset if he was taken like that. However, he sees life as a tragedy and I see it as a comedy. I know I was stupid, I know I threw money away, but I had a good time without problems for a little while, and I had a good laugh.

So, I chose to be stupid if you want to call it stupid. I can see calling it that. But I don’t feel stupid. I felt naïve and a touch pathetic for wanting to believe the unbelievable.

We went out for dinner at a Greek restaurant for the mixed platter. It was expensive but pretty good. However, Robert has an appetite a little bigger than the average bear, so after dinner he bought 2 additional skewers of meat for dessert. Then it was off to Starbucks for the coffee.

It was a very enjoyable evening for me. Robert is a good friend who forgives my rudeness and quirks as friends should do. He also will speak his mind even if it’s things that are not very complimentary about me. That’s fine. I appreciate his honesty. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I don’t. But I am always grateful for his honesty.

I got home and had a craving to talk to voices from across the world. I made a few phone calls but the only answer I got was Leah, and she was at work so she could only talk for a minute. Scott said to call back in half an hour which I did and we touched base. It was good to hear his voice. I left a message for Laura and she called back which was nice since there are only 2 people who have ever called me in Korea. One is Laura and the other is Scott. I don’t dwell on that too much because I’m afraid it would really bother me if I gave it a lot of thought.

Oh, by the way, this girl didn’t call me today. Probably good that she didn’t, because I might have had a heart attack. What a way to make a living, being nice to stupid men to get them to buy you overpriced drinks. I’m not passing judgment. I just think it’s sad. I really would have loved to talk to her about her job, and what she thought of it.

I just read today. I think I’m feeling a little run down and tired. People keep asking me if I’m tired, and most of the time I say, “no, do I look tired?” They reply yes. I know sometimes I am, and other times I feel physically drained, like I’ve been beaten up by a gang of thugs. So today I did nothing.

I had an email from a person I met when I lived in Gwangyang. If you remember, I called him once because I had his number but thought he was someone else. We went out, and then another time I went to his apartment and met his wife. He’s back in Australia now, and he sent me an email out of the blue. Nice man and I was glad to hear from him. A small connection, but a nice thing.

I just wish I could always remember that there are more good things in life than bad things. It really is hell when you don’t remember that.

IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

I’m starting to wonder. I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories, but maybe the Koreans have a plan to drive me crazy. It’s pretty obvious and they’re not fooling me. And what’s worse is that it appears to be working. Last night at midnight I said, out loud, to Yoon Soo that “maybe it’s time for me to go back to America”. I know it was just my mood at the time, but it’s the first time I ever verbalized it since I’ve been here.

I came into school yesterday morning and I may be wrong, but the vice-principal looked a little surprised to see me. He did some talking in Korean and I just smiled and nodded. He then called Min Kyung, spoke to her, and then handed me the phone. She said that I didn’t have to come to work on Friday, just Thursday morning. What the fuck is going on? Are they that disorganized? Can they not communicate amongst themselves in Korean? Or, is this a master plan to totally destroy have any confidence in understanding anything?

So I went home at noon and was hanging around. I was going to Seoul later in the afternoon to meet a friend. At 2:30 Min Kyung calls and says the school received an “official” document and there is a meeting I must go to at 3:30. That was in one hour. I said, “NO”. “But you must go, it’s an official meeting, it’s important”. I said that if it was so damn important, they would have notified me before now. The Koreans jump when orders are given like that. I try so damn hard to fit in, but there are some things that just reek of disrespect and telling someone they have an important meeting when they are off work, and to be there in an hour is disrespectful to me. Naturally Min Kyung is getting stressed and this time I felt bad for her because she’s just the messenger here. I told her to tell the school she couldn’t get a hold of me. She wouldn’t go for that so I said I had a doctor’s appointment. She asked if I was serious and I didn’t say anything other than, “I have a doctor’s appointment. Tell them that”. She asked if I could postpone it for an hour and I told her there was no damn way I was going to do that. She let me know the vice-principal would be unhappy and I said, “I don’t really care. They can fire me if they want”. I’m not here to jump through hoops for them. We got off the phone.

Ten minutes later Mankee calls to give me the same message about the meeting. I told him it was a bunch of stupid crap as far as I was concerned. I told him I understood that a Korean would jump through hoops to be at this meeting, but guess what, I’m not Korean. He also told me the vice-principal would be unhappy and I repeated to him that I didn’t care and they were free to fire me. We got off the phone.

I didn’t fly off the handle as much as the day before, but I was upset. I feel that I try so hard to get a long and be a team player, but there is no rulebook other than be prepared to jump at the commands. I can’t and won’t do that. I will bend and overlook so many “cultural” and “traditional” things here out of respect for my position as a visitor here. But there is a line. As Yoon Soo says that when you work for the government, you’re supposed to be like a soldier, and obey every order. I’m not a soldier. If I wanted to be a soldier I would have joined the army. I hear there are a lot of soldiers there.

After that, I should have just crawled into bed and pulled the sheets up over my head. My day was ruined. I shouldn’t have gone to Seoul. I was in a pissy mood and had a lousy time. And to top it off, when I got back to Ilsan my car had been parked illegally and had been towed away. I’m such a winner.

I really didn’t know what to do so I called Yoon Soo (it’s almost midnight). I felt terrible but I was in a jam and that’s what friends are for. He came and picked me up and took me to the car lot where I paid to get it back. It was very kind of him and it was a fitting finish to the time since I started flipping out over the prescriptions the day before. That’s when I blurted out my “maybe it’s time to leave” comment.

How serious am I? I don’t know. I waffle, not really out of indecision, just out of how it’s going at the time. The time to leave is when the bad outweighs the good. But I do know I don’t want to be annoyed. I want no aggravation at work. I just want to do my job, and do it well. I want a personal life that provides me with fulfillment. Is that possible? Who knows, I’m not a happy guy. I’m starting to lose confidence in the great strides forward I’ve made in the last year. The thought of depression is depressing me. (How’s that for understatement). I’m crying more. Not a lot, just more that before. It still takes a trigger, but the tears are coming easier. A picture of my father, a touching line in a book, a stupid movie, whatever. I’m thinking of upping my meds to the level they were at when I left the U.S. I’d really cut back and had no problem. The last few weeks I can just feel something.

My cleaning woman came today so I had to get out. I really didn’t want to hang around here while she worked. I went to school to do some more preparation for camp. See, leave me alone and I’ll do what’s needed. Bug me about it, and you can forget it. I then met Yoon Soo at Starbucks for coffee at noon. We hung out and chatted for a couple of hours. What was funny is that we were to meet at 1:00 but he called me earlier to say that the principal noticed him at the school so he was told to be at an emergency meeting at 2PM. In light of my experience yesterday it was funny. He said he’d never really thought about things like that happening, he just accepted them. After I told him my reaction yesterday, and it happened to him today, he said it was rude and disrespectful. I like talking to him because it’s a window into the Korean way by someone who has an understanding of Western ways. He’s not defensive about the Korean way. Some things he likes, some things he doesn’t like. When he explains something, it’s not “this is the Korean way and it’s good”, it’s “this is just the Korean way”. I appreciate the insight.

After that I went to pick up my prescription. I had to wait and I kept nodding off and drooling in a chair. It was the drool hitting my shirt that kept waking me up. I must have been quite the site. For some of the pills they gave me vials. That’s the normal way. For the rest of them (my usual morning ones), they did this:


They make individual packets of the daily dose. It really is quite nice of them and convenient. I make up daily doses in 2 week bunches because my pill container is for 14 days. This way, I have to do nothing. I think it’s better this way, but it just looks weird as hell to me.

After that I went home. It was 2:30. The cleaning woman was still there. I have no idea how she was filling her day so I just threw my Insulin in the fridge and departed. My only problem was I had no idea where to go. I’d been to Starbucks so I wasn’t going back there. Then I decided to get adventurous. I drove to the center of Paju by myself. I went to City Hall and got a map and tourist book in English. I walked through an open-air market on a side street. Boy, the smells can kill you. I mean how many cut up fish can you smell without puking? A lot it seems.

I got back at 4:30 and the cleaning lady was just leaving. The place was clean, she’d done laundry, she’d done ironing, and the place is neat and spotless instead of just mostly neat and a little spotty. I think I’m pleased. I’m not sure it’s the best use of my money (which I can’t seem to hold on to), but I like the not having to do major cleanings and I like things clean.

I’m meeting Robert tomorrow for a walkabout and dinner in Seoul. We will be in the Itaewon area which is mostly white people. In fact, it’s the one area I’ve seen where the foreigner’s outnumber the Koreans. It’s weird. Usually you see a white face and do a double take. In Itaewon you see a Korean face and you do a double take. It will be nice to have a conversation with someone who’s first and only language is English. (That is not to disparage Koreans who speak English). I was telling Yoon Soo this but I told him that talking and listening to him isn’t a strain because his English is so good. And, he asks if he doesn’t understand something. For most of the people I speak with, I have to be on extra alert to be sure I understand them (although it seems I understand less and less). It can be a strain at times.

It looks like Japan is a go. I think I’ll book a flight on Monday. I’ll leave the evening of Friday August 11th and go for 5 or 6 days. It’s nowhere near long enough, but it will be expensive enough. The problem with a summer vacation is that it’s high season, so things cost a little more. And this is the only new country vacation I will have because my February vacation is the big Bar Mitzvah trip to Toronto for my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah. I could skip it, but my sister would kill me. (Just joking Elyse).

Before I left Austin I used to go see this woman and talk to her once or twice a week depending on how I was feeling. I think it helped me. I haven’t really missed her until recently. I was thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea to find someone here, but guess what? It’s impossible. I don’t think Korean’s visit psychologist type people because that would require revealing their emotions, which isn’t cool. And I don’t think that Korean’s psychologist types (if there are any) have English as their first language.

MY FUSE CAN BE SURPRISINGLY SHORT

Sometimes I scare myself. I have infinite patience in most situations. I never lose it with the students. I tend to live and let live with friends (which wasn’t always the case). If someone is having a problem, I work it through with them. It’s the kind of person I like to be. However, sometimes I lose it instantly. It happened to me twice today and I hate it and afterwards when I think about it (of course afterwards, I’m not thinking when I lose it), I scare myself.

I went to the hospital in Ilsan today for the doctor’s appointment I had. I had a map (in Korean) but it showed stoplights and other things. It should have been easy. It wasn’t. I had no idea where I was so I had to stop and ask. Of course, I’m told in Korean so I try to decipher the arm waving to get an idea. It didn’t work. So I stopped again and as luck would have it, the hospital was about 20 seconds away from where I was stopped. I got a little frustrated while lost, but that’s my usual driving mode. So no big deal.

I waited about a half hour to see the doctor which is usual at any doctor. The man’s English was perfect and he seemed like a decent fellow. We went over my medications and he had no problem writing me prescriptions for the same thing. I said blood work would probably be a good idea so he scheduled it for August 7th and I’m to go back on the 9th for the results. I don’t know why we’re waiting so long for the blood work, but it’s been 6 months so what’s another few weeks.

The procedure at the end of the visit is to go to the reception and pay the bill, then I was to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Insulin and my prescriptions. They fill Insulin at the hospital and you go to a regular pharmacy for oral medication. Fine. I go to reception and the bill is $100 which surprised me. That covered my visit, the insulin, and some needles. The visit itself was about $60 which is much more than Gwangyang, and that’s with insurance. Maybe it was a first visit fee but I don’t know. I was fine with it. If that’s what it costs, that’s what it costs. Then the reception lady takes me upstairs to the pharmacy which was nice of her, to get my Insulin and prescriptions. That’s when I started to lose it.

They didn’t give me the Insulin I take. I should get it in a vial that I fill a syringe from. They gave me the “pen” which is an injector with the insulin in it. It’s useless. It holds next to nothing, and it’s not the brand of Insulin I require. I was going on that this was garbage and mimed throwing it away. My voice and manner were quite agitated. Then they gave me the prescription and they screwed that up too. It was missing one medication, and a few of them had the wrong dosage pills listed. I’m fit to be tied. “This is crap”, say I. I must have looked like a crazy foreign idiot.

The reception lady calmly took me back to the doctor’s office to voice my complaints. I did so in a rather abrasive manner. When I did my arm sweep to indicate that this was garbage, I knocked the phone over. It sort of woke me up to what I was doing. I calmed down and tried several times to explain the problem. The nurse was very patient with me and worked with me to understand what I was saying and to get the problem solved. She called several pharmacies to see who carried what I needed. This I don’t understand. If the pharmacy doesn’t have it in stock, they order it.. I don’t understand.

The whole process of getting everything straightened out was 2 hours. They were so nice to me and I was a total ass at the beginning. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to write a proper prescription. It seems their computer only lists certain dosages so that’s what they have to put on the prescription. They then put notes under it with the right amount. It’s crazy. It’s much too rigid a system because it doesn’t work for all prescriptions.

I finally left and went to McDonalds for a special meal treat. (How pathetic). I enjoyed it. (How doubly pathetic). As I left McDonalds I saw that I had a text message on my phone. It was from Min Kyung telling me that I had to be at school tomorrow because it’s a work day. I’m half way to a fit already. I replied, “What?????????????”. I then phoned her because I just couldn’t believe what I read. I was told that I had the rest of the week off until camp started. Apparently not. She said that no one told me that (she did as the translator for the principal), but she didn’t remember that. My vacation is in August for 1 week and that’s it. I said when do I have to be at school at she said 8:30 to 4:30. I said I was getting very sick and did a lame cough. I was furious and doing my best not to scream at her. I managed that but I was loud and condescending. I made no commitment to her about tomorrow other that I might be sick and we got off the phone.

Five minutes later she calls. She says I have to work (as do some other teachers) from 8:30 to 12:30. So I’ve gone from not having to work to having to work a full day to having to work a half day. Maybe I don’t understand anything. It’s possible. Or just maybe, these people don’t bother explaining things properly. Koreans (here comes a generalization that has been told to me by Koreans) are not exact people. It seems they don’t do details. Can this be confusing and annoying? Maybe not to Koreans but to stupid foreigners like me, it is.

My point, and I do have one, is that regardless of how annoying it is at times, I shouldn’t be going off the deep end. I don’t know why I do. I mean these are not end of the world issues. There’s no reason to panic. It all works out. Are there hidden frustrations buried in me that manifest themselves in this way? I really don’t know, but I’m quite bothered by my behavior at times. It’s not good for me, and it’s not fair to the objects of my non-affection. I’m not doing this daily or even weekly, but once is too much, and it’s been more than once.

Sometimes I can feel the tension in my arms and neck. It almost feel like my neck is all scrunched up and my arms are high. Maybe they are. I haven’t looked.

By the way, Min Kyung is not in the hospital. She went to the hospital yesterday for a stomach ache. Probably nerves. I’m glad she’s not hospitalized. She annoys the hell out of me, but I wish her no ill will. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

So I’ll go to school tomorrow. It’s not that I had anything planned. I was going to do some camp preparation but I can do it at school instead of home. I must remain calm. I must remain calm.

Did you know you can get a pizza from the Vatican, here in Paju? There was a flyer on my door tonight from Vatican Pizza.

SCHOOL’S OUT FOR SUMMER

And so it ends. Today was the last day of the semester. It was only a half day and instead of only having one class as I was supposed to, I had three. Did we work? Of course not. What kind of perverse teacher would have the kids work on the last day?

I tried “broken telephone” in class today. You know the game where you give the first person a sentence or phrase and they whisper it to the next. Each child whispers to the next and you see what the last person hears, and if it relates to how the phrase started. The first sentence I used was, “The dog ate the cat”. At the end of about 35 kids it was just “dog”. The kids thought it was a hoot and we did it a few times. They got better.

Min Kyung wasn’t there today. I was told she was in the hospital. She’s sick, but I don’t know of what. Maybe her nerves have finally burst open. I feel bad she’s in the hospital, but I wasn’t shocked. This was a woman who I felt was making herself sick. I truly hope it’s nothing serious.

The last part of the day was a staff meeting. Do I know what it was about? No. I guess it’s not important that I know because no one tried to explain anything to me. So, that works for me. I’m not a meeting person.

After the meeting the vice-principal asked Mankee (the science teacher with good English) to wish me a good vacation. That was nice of him so I asked Mankee how to say, “have a good vacation” so I could say it to him. He told me how, so I went to the vice-principal, said my Korean line, and bowed. Have to do those little things. Then I stopped in at the principal’s office and threw “have a nice vacation” at him. He was a little surprised I think. There was a teacher in his office with him and she was surprised too. He then started saying something to me in Korean and for some reason I figured out he meant “don’t forget about camp next week” or something like that. I repeated it in English to him and he affirmed what I said. Considering he doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak Korean, it’s great we understand each other. He then gave me a parting in English. “See you tomorrow”. I just agreed. Tomorrow, next Monday, what’s the difference? Language is just words. It really doesn’t matter what they mean.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I looked up the doctor I have an appointment with on the Internet. It seems the hospital he’s at has a website in English. This guy is the head of the cardio-vascular department and he taught at Georgetown University in Washington for 20 years. It looks like I’ve hit the English jackpot. I just hope he helps me with everything because I don’t feel like having to see four specialists to get my drugs and monitor my health.

I will actually need to do some planning for camp next week. I only have a rough outline of what I will be doing and I don’t think I can dance for four hours a day. Most of the kids will be first year middle school students so the English level won’t be great. I really would have liked a camp of kids who spoke some English so we could have conversations with sentences. I think it depresses me to think about camp.

I have no idea what I will do with the rest of the week. I really should have made a plan but I suppose this has turned into real life. What is real life? Is it having no get up and go? What about my plans to see Korea? This is turning into just another place I’ve lived. I admit this is not good. I am not taking full advantage of my opportunities for enrichment here. Is apathy setting in? All I know is that I don’t know anything. And after all, isn’t that all there is to know?

ONE THING I THOUGHT I’D NEVER HEAR IN KOREA

I’ve never been a Dave Letterman fan. I’ve never watched a complete Letterman show. I would guess over the years my total viewing time is less than 30 minutes. Yes, I know that his top 10 lists have become part of popular culture. I don’t have a top ten list of things I never thought I’d hear in Korea, but if I did I have number one picked.

I was in Seoul yesterday. There is a bookstore that does small concerts outside the store (but still inside the building in the subway area). There are a few seats, the acoustics aren’t great, but it’s a good idea. I was sitting on the opposite end of the hall and I had no idea who was playing. Suddenly it starts and I hear the strains of “Mack the Knife”. I love “Mack the Knife”. It’s one of my all-time favorite tunes. So they were a kind of jazz band, To my untrained ear it sounded like they were murdering Mack the Knife. They were a quartet consisting of a tuba player, guitar player, drummer, and saxophonist. They played some other songs of which I know. One was the “Beer Barrel Polka”. So they had a varied reportorie. The Korean people seemed to really liked it. They played some “traditional” Korean songs but to me they sounded as if they had their roots in old Eastern European music. (Growing up Jewish sometimes you can pick up these things). They also did “When the Saints Going Marching Home” so you can see they weren’t limited to one type of music.

After their show and they were leaving I could see they weren’t Korean, but white guys. I just assumed American because I’m dumb and as quick with a generalization as the next person. I confess I enjoyed the short concert. I wish the acoustics where better, but the price couldn’t be beat.

The people I was with and I went upstairs had dinner (Korean fast food courts are scary places). All the dishes you can get are represented in plastic so you can pick your favorite plastic food. I felt terrible saying no to every suggestion. Finally one person noticed a potato plate. It had French fries of many varieties and potato pancakes. It was safe so that was my choice. After eating we went back downstairs to watch their 2nd show.

I hear a song and I knew what I was hearing, but my mind couldn’t believe my ears. The Koreans loved it and were in to it. I think they liked it better than all the other songs. I’m listening carefully and it was what I thought, so I sang along and I was the only person there singing the words. It was “Hava Nagila”. Unreal! Hava Nagila in Korea. I can’t imagine topping that. It was amazing and needless to say I loved it. I was ready to jump up and start dancing a hora. (Israeli folk dance). Maybe if I had more confidence in my dancing ability I would have done it. It would have been the ultimate in cool. I just loved it. What a wonderful surprise and treat.

After the concert I went up to the quartet and said, “I never thought I’d ever hear Hava Nagila in Korea”. They smiled and nodded at me. They weren’t American. They didn’t speak English. Apparently they were from on of the former Russian countries. I wish they understood my compliment. And the Korean traditional songs they did had there base in old Eastern European songs. The Koreans didn’t know the origin of the music. They thought it was Korean. The promoter (Korean) told us when we were talking to him.

One of the absolute best things about living in a foreign county are the little things like hearing things so totally out of context that it’s a shock, but a wonderful shock. If I hear Hava Nagila in North America or Israel I go, “so? That’s nice”. In Korea it’s a link to my past life. Songs like Hava Nagila encompass so much of my past life (bar mitzvah’s, weddings, Hebrew school, and more). Being so far away from the context of the material makes it so much more special and gives you an appreciation for it. I go on about how I can’t seem to grasp the brass ring of happiness, but I’m not so stupid that I don’t really appreciate these small little gems of life.

I’m listening to “Fiddler On The Roof” right now. The only regret I have about Leah and Taylor’s wedding that Leah and I never got to dance to “Sunrise, Sunset”. I feel cheated. I have never been to a Jewish wedding where the father and daughter didn’t dance to this song. It’s absolutely beautiful and appropriate. Leah and I (and I know she knows I’m crazy) will have to dance to this one day. I’m always looking for something else to drop tears over. And Elana better have this to dance with me at during her wedding.

I had cold pear tea last night. Not bad. It was different. In fact, it even had a bit of a pear taste. After that the owner brought over a pot of some kind of hot tea. It was free or they say here, “it was service”. It seems that a lot of white foreigners get free things in some restaurants because they are foreigners and they are white. I don’t know if the same courtesy is given to blacks. I really appreciate the little things like that, but on the other hand I don’t think I’m special so why should I get something? I’m just some guy trying to make out as best he can.

A stranger (older man) started talking to me yesterday as I was waiting to meet some people. He looked me up and down a few times before approaching me to talk. I was a little worried that it would be a “my name is ????, nice to meet you” conversation. But he asked me where I was from and how long I’d been here. He’d been to Toronto for 1 week in winter and it made a real impression on him. I think he hated it. He must have said “cold” at least 10 times. He spent 7 months in Vancouver and loved it. It was a nice chat.

Today is Sunday and tomorrow is Monday. Monday is a holiday and I have no plans yet. I’m considering visiting one of the palaces in Seoul. I don’t want to spend the day at home. The problem is that it rains almost every day. That’s no fun. It seems that Koreans don’t like to venture out when it rains. I don’t know, maybe Koreans melt in the rain. Maybe Koreans are relatives of the “Wicked Witch of the West”?

In a way I feel like I’m coming to a line in the sand. I’ve feel I’ve bent almost as much as I can in understanding Korean ways. I can see a day coming when I say, “no more”. I can bend and I should bend as the visitor here, but damn, don’t Koreans want all these foreigners here to pass on some foreign culture? My biggest fear is that although I am one of the least violent people in the world, I may hit a teacher one day. That would be so uncool. I can’t seem to accept the Korean way of punishment. I try to bend and accept kids lying on the floor. I hate it. It’s degrading. Kids on their knees like some sort of peasants begging is very hard of my liberal eyes. Obviously this whole business of punishment is very stressing to me. Decent teachers who I like and seem like quite nice people hitting kids. Obviously judging my how much I mention this issue, it weighs heavily on my mind.

I wonder if they ever put on “Fiddler on the Roof” in Korean. If they do, I’m getting a ticktet.

SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE QUEBEC

They are always posting notices in the building. I don’t know who “they” are, but I assume it’s management. It seems every 2nd day there is some sort of announcement coming into my apartment through the intercom system. What does it all mean? Beats me. It’s like Quebec and the French only signs. What’s with this Korean only? Don’t they know an ignorant westerner lives here? Guess not.

Another week comes to a close and it was a rough week. I think I feel asleep at school every day. Monday is a holiday, I have one class on Tuesday, and then it’s summer vacation. The little tykes are off for 5 weeks. I have to do camp for 3 weeks and I don’t really have a definite plan other than a few ideas. I suppose I like to wing it. I have no idea what the level of the kids in the camp will be. I think they will be like regular school with most of them being below average. That doesn’t thrill me. Four hours a day to entertain. I’m told to not think of it as four hours, but to break it out into blocks. Guess what? If you total the blocks it’s still 4 hours a day.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. It’s time to refill my prescriptions and I should probably have some blood work done. I asked the science teacher to find me a doctor who knew English and make me an appointment. He did and he says the doctor studied in America. So there is a chance I’ll be understood.

I also have arranged for a cleaning woman every 2nd Friday, beginning next Friday. My apartment is always basically clean, but she should do the glass and there is lots of glass in this place. Apparently they offer three services when getting a cleaning service. One is your basic apartment cleaning, the 2nd is they do your laundry, and the 3rd is they prepare meals for you. I told Min Kyung (who booked them for me) that I did my own laundry and unless they prepare American food, I’ll pass on the meal preparation.

It seems to get hotter in the classrooms every day. They don’t use the air conditioning much. I guess they don’t have a lot of money, but it sure is uncomfortable. The kids spend most of the time fanning themselves. I just sweat a lot.

Today I just played games with my classes. I did some Bingo, Hangman, and throwing balled up pieces of paper into a wastebasket. Not great English activities, but everyone had fun and there is nothing with having fun in school sometimes. I would give out prizes. Actually what I would do is grab something in the classroom (keys to a cabinet for example) and present them as a prize. I gave away teacher’s attendance books, and teacher’s chairs. I’ll do anything for a cheap laugh.

I have a student who is going in a speech contest next week. I’ve spent a few afternoons working with her. Her English is quite good and she’s a good student and a very likeable young lady. She likes English because she hopes to be a diplomat when she grows up. We were talking today and I asked her what she thought of Korean teacher’s hitting kids. I told her how uncomfortable it made me. She thinks it’s not right and it doesn’t solve discipline problems, just teaches the kids to dislike their teachers. She says it’s part of the culture, but it’s wrong. Of course, I told her that I don’t see it as a culture, but we’re on the same page. I love when I can have intelligent conversations with the students. There aren’t many of them capable of having a decent conversation.

After hitting the low point with Min Kyung the other day, things were better today. I just don’t really discuss much about school. She gave me an attendance sheet for camp and all the names are in Korean. She said I should really learn the kid’s names. She’s right. I should. I told her I’ll try but even if they were North American kids, I’d still have a problem. I’m just no good with names. Of course, that’s a lame excuse. I need to try.

I put on the electric fan for the first time tonight. It’s really good at moving the warm air around. I suppose I have another 6 weeks of heat. I keep telling myself not to complain about it, but I do. I miss air conditioning.

OKAY, MAYBE SHE IS A MORON

Okay, here’s a codicil to my previous post. Only in blogland could I be able to use “Captain’s Log, Supplemental” and “codicil” within the space of one month. I am one lucky guy.

Is Min Kyung the new Kelly? No. I still go with she’s not as bad, she’s not deceitful, her motives in her miniscule brain aren’t devious. But she is pushing the envelope of my tolerance.

Today she told me she called the agency that placed me to tell them that I wasn’t happy. No, she didn’t discuss this with me first. She said she just wanted to know if other foreign teachers were unhappy and if they experienced the same sort of problems in school that I do. Sorry you stupid ass, you don’t call the agency and tell them I’m unhappy. If she listened to what I say, she’d know that I’m not personally unhappy, I’m unhappy about what we offer the students. However, she can’t quite grasp my meaning because she doesn’t try. I think she’s overly defensive about Korea. I make a point to tell her I’m not slamming Korea, the problems I identify are universal.

She also told the vice-principal I’m unhappy. Did she tell the vice-principal why I’m bothered by some things? I don’t think so. I mentioned this morning that a lot of students don’t bring their books to class. “Where is your book”? the teacher says. “Home”, the student says. Min Kyung latches onto this as a major problem I’m having. It means I have no control. I tell her that I don’t have control problems. I don’t have discipline problems. The kids need to bring their books. I told her that once the fall semester starts a child who doesn’t bring their book won’t be allowed in my classroom. She thinks we need to give the kids marks for bringing their books. That should solve all the problems. I told her that books or no books, the poor students aren’t going to get any better without some special attention. I think she told the vice-principal I’m unhappy because the children forget their books.

I was now angry. I didn’t hide it. I told her loud and clear that she is not to call the agency to talk about me, and she is not to talk to the principal or vice-principal about me unless she is 100% sure she understands what I’m saying. I told her that she doesn’t understand what I tell her, and that her actions make me look bad. She looked like she might start crying. I wished she would have. Did I get through to her? Beats me. It’s like when I scold the class and I know they don’t understand the words. I know they understand the tone of voice.

If she had half a brain she would let the principal know there is a problem with the students level and the only way to help is to hire another Korean English teacher. If the school did that, then I could team-teach with a Korean and that way the kids would get more attention. She says there is no money, but of course she won’t present the idea. You at least owe it to the school to try and help the problem. If they don’t take your advice, at least you’ve tried.

I think I have no choice but to cease communication with Min Kyung about issues related to the students. It will be misconstrued and misunderstood if I tell her things. She’s too nervous about everything. I want to get along in peace, and not have people misrepresenting what I say, and my motives. So she’s dead as far as discussions on teaching go.

Today some girls told me that I was gorgeous. Then they asked me if it was okay to call a man gorgeous. I told them it was. I also got some handsome’s. That’s me, sex symbol to the 15 year old set. When I get a compliment like that, I usually tell the girl that she’s pretty. One girl in class said the girl who sits in front of her said I was handsome. I think she was trying to embarrass the girl. I replied that the girl she was talking about was pretty. I don’t think she expected that. She said that the girl isn’t pretty, she’s a grandmother. (That’s an insult I suppose).

I read “The Cat in the Hat” to one of my classes today. I love that book. Doesn’t everybody? The answer is no. The kids overall found it boring. How could anyone not like the Cat in the Hat? I don’t understand Koreans.

NOT EXACTLY A MORON, BUT

Min Kyung is not the devil. She is not to be confused with the evil Kelly in any way, shape, or form. However, I’m coming to the end of my rope with her. I’m very concerned and bothered as I have mentioned more than once, about the extreme low level of many of the students. Today I tried the finger test. “How many fingers am I holding up”? I do this to be sure that they know as little as they appear to know. Guess what? I have kids who can’t answer that.

I gave them work out of the workbook. I tell them to ask questions. I tell them that it’s stupid to not ask questions when they don’t understand. I get the odd question. I get a lot of kids who don’t do anything.

Obviously the level is low. I came into the teacher’s room and told Min Kyung about it again. I also told her that after summer vacation that any student who doesn’t have their textbook will not be allowed in class. They will be sitting in the hall because they are wasting my time and the classes time.

I tell her that I don’t blame the school. I say all school systems have problems and we have a problem. Here are her responses:
“I tell the kids to bring their books”.
“It’s almost vacation so it’s difficult”.
“Maybe you are expecting too much from the students”.

Of course I’m expecting too much. I want to expect more and settle for less instead of what they do here which is expect nothing and ignore the fact the kids know nothing. I’m fighting a losing battle. I’m starting to want to scream, “Fuck you, you stupid moron. I’m not teaching these kids. If you or anyone else doesn’t give a flying fuck about them, then neither will I. Goodbye and drop dead”. I haven’t stooped to that yet.

I’m tired of hearing how busy and tired she is. She has more excuses than Carter has pills. (I’ve always loved that line). It would have been so good to have a teacher to work with where I could have learned something. I’m floundering to a certain extent. I’m good for the average to better students and pretty much useless for the rest. I think I’m just going to have to accept it. I should ignore the underachievers and just work with the brighter ones. No one cares. I care, but I can’t do anything.

In the 2nd class I had today I would leave the classroom while they were fumbling through the worksheets. I went in the hall because there was a nice breeze so I would stand by the window. It was quite comfortable. After class a boy from another class came to the teacher’s room to see if I was all right. He saw me with my head down relaxing and he thought I was just fed up with the class I was with. I was quite touched at his concern. This is one fine young man. His English is excellent but that’s not why he’s a fine young man. It’s his kindness in inquiring as to how I feel. He’s also the boy who came to the teacher’s room on my first day here to welcome me. It’s kids like this that I can be a huge benefit for so it’s one of the reasons I’ll let the weak kids go and keep floundering. I’m not proud of it.

That may not be news, but it’s reality.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

I’m warm. This is my first summer in I don’t know how long without air conditioning. It’s muggy. It’s almost uncomfortable in my apartment. I will survive this but I must admit I wasn’t prepared for it. It’s not Texas hot, but hot is hot. Sticky is sticky. Yuck.

I watched a movie tonight called “Dot the I”. I bought it here in Korea at a legitimate place. The story sounded interesting. It’s a small film I had never heard of, and it was different. It basically starts out that a girl is out on her last night out with friends before she gets married. They are eating dinner in a French restaurant. The maitre d comes over to their table and announces a French tradition that says a girl at her “hen” party has to kiss a strange man as her last kiss as a single woman before marriage. She chooses a man in the restaurant and the kiss is more than a simple kiss. Sounds like a simple love story, right? It was much more than that. You start out thinking you’re watching one kind of movie and it morphs into another. I really liked it although the last bit I thought was a touch over the top. If you want a movie you know nothing about to see, then this is a good one. It’s different and it’s not easy to find movies that you haven’t seen in one form or another in the past.

I didn’t feel great today, but better than yesterday. I was tired again but my body didn’t feel beat up which was good. I wasn’t dwelling about the negative and the things I don’t have and want. I gave them some thought, which is okay, but not dwelling. My friend Mee Kyung phoned me last night and I told her how crappy I was feeling. She then called me tonight to see how I was. I thought that was very thoughtful of her.

At my first class today many of the students were late. The home room teacher was standing outside the classroom and she would hit each child who was late on the back as he came into class. It’s hard to concentrate when you see things like that. What’s the point? Do they really think that if they hit the kid, the kid will be on time from now on? Don’t they think about what they’re doing? I guess not.

Min Kyung was disciplining some boys today. There were four of them in the teachers room kneeling. The kids are always kneeling during the punishment phase. She wasn’t hitting them, but talking to them. Then she came back to her desk and I asked what their crime was. Apparently some boys were jumping out the window from their classroom. Their classroom is on the 2nd floor. She was appalled by this as it’s dangerous. I agree with her. The fall isn’t far but anything can happen when you jump out of a 2nd floor window. She said she thought 3 of the boys understood that they shouldn’t, but one of the boys just didn’t get it. She said he uses rude language in front of the teachers, and he said he didn’t want to live at home. She suspects that this boy has some serious issues.

She was getting them to write why they shouldn’t do this. She spent a great deal of time talking to them. I congratulated her on not hitting them. To be honest, I have no idea what you can do to stop this kind of behavior.

Later on in the day there were 6 boys outside the teachers room being yelled at by the physical education teacher and being made to do some sort of strenuous exercise. I went into the teacher’s room and inquired into their crime. It seems they were also jumping out the 2nd floor window. It’s an epidemic. It’s crazy. When I left school the vice-principal had taken over from the physical education teacher. He wasn’t yelling but talking. I have no idea what he was saying, and I don’t know what I would say in a similar situation.

Min Kyung thinks the kids are going crazy because it’s close to vacation. She could be right. Sometimes I can’t get over how ignorant I was (and I believe many westerner’s are). I thought Oriental children would be well behaved. They’d sit at their desks with their hands neatly folded, paying strict attention to the teacher. Hell, they’re kids. I suppose it doesn’t matter where the kids are from, noisiness and bad behavior are universal.

One of my classes kept getting a little too noisy for my taste. During a quiet moment I asked them if I was “too” nice. They said I was. I asked them if they liked me being nice, or would it be better if I yelled at them and hit them. They said they liked the nice me. I said, ”if I’m nice, then you be nice and not talk when I’m talking”. They agreed. It lasted a minute and a half and then yak, yak, yak.

One girl just wouldn’t stop talking. I’d ask her to stop, she’d say, “sorry, teacher”, and then go back to talking. I took the electrical cord from the portable CD player I use in class and walked up to her and wrapped the cord around her throat lightly and pretended to strangle her. I love getting a cheap laugh. I really hope that it makes the point that I’m good natured, but enough is enough. I guess this quiet/noisy cycle will go on forever.

I’ve gotten much more hours this week. I know Min Kyung said I’d be having more hours with the 2nd year students, but I also have more with the 3rd year students. I don’t know the final schedule because she’s been giving me the schedule day by day. I’m using the same text book in all classes. That makes it kind of boring for me, but they are all basically at the same low level. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about the really poor students. I’m sort of ignoring them now. If I give the class work to do, I go around and they aren’t doing anything. I ask them if I can help. They smile at me, pick up their paper and pretend to start working. I walk away and the paper is put away.

I think I’d like to try teaching, but not the English language. I wonder what it would be like to teach a real subject, where we all spoke the same language? I’ll never find out, but I wonder about it.

SO WHO CARES ABOUT THIS?

It just occurred to me that I have no idea who is reading this (okay, a general idea), and if anyone really cares about reading it. Is it a chore to read? Do you read out of some sense of obligation? Is it really interesting to read? It’s just everyday life. It no longer has the general “Gwangyang” unhappiness. It’s just life and nothing special. I don’t even know if I’ll ever sit down and read the whole thing, but I hope I do. I’ve spent thousands of words on this, but to what avail? To have an outlet for my thoughts? To vent? To entertain? To hope some Korean’s I know stumble across this because I just love stirring the pot? I can’t answer anything at the moment.

I felt so tired today. Sleepy tired and beat up tired. I felt like I’d gone 12 rounds with Ali. In the teacher’s room I kept nodding off at my desk. I thought I’d never make it until 4PM. On top of that I was getting the feeling of “What am I doing here”? The kids are getting used to me. They still “love” me, but I don’t think they’re as fascinated by me. They don’t stare at me with adoration any more. Actually, a few of the girls still do and that’s cute, but overall it’s calmed down. I can lift my head in the lunchroom and there is no one staring at me which is good.

My class is boring. When I use the textbook and teacher’s guide I can just tell that I don’t have the interest of more than half the class. I try to spruce it up. I use different inflections in my voice, I throw in jokes, I pick out kids who are in space somewhere and start waving madly at them. I try and entertain. I don’t know if it’s me, the book, or the fact that I have come to realize that more than half of each class is far below average in what they should know.

In class Friday afternoon I wanted some volunteers to read out loud. Usually I’m extremely lucky if I get a volunteer (these are usually the super bright kids), but most of the time I have to pick them at random. So that’s what I did. The first kid I picked wouldn’t read. I asked him if he could read English. I had it translated into Korean so there would be no understanding. He couldn’t read. They have been studying English for 4 ½ years. It’s easy to read. Reading doesn’t mean you understand, it just means the letters make words you can say. So I picked someone else and I had the same problem. So I did a quick walk around the class asking each student if they could read or not. Out of 40 kids in the class, 23 said they could read and 17 said they couldn’t. I then asked one of the 23 who said they could read, to read. Guess what? He couldn’t. He lied. So that’s 22/40 who can read and 18/40 who can’t read. That’s 45%. How absolutely depressing.

I reporting my finding to Min Kyung after class and she couldn’t believe it. She had a boatload of excuses. Maybe the kids didn’t know what I was asking them. I told her that it was translated into Korean. Maybe the kids are nervous in front of me. I explained to her that there is the look of embarrassment the student may have, and there’s the deer caught in the headlights look that these kids had. I made it clear to her that in no way did I think this was her fault. I said it’s the fault of the school system. Forty kids in a class is way too much. Every student passes. No one fails. And the school board only cares if you finish the assigned textbook. It doesn’t matter if the student knows nothing, if the book is finished then things are good.

I told Min Kyung that we needed to do something as this was terrible. She asked if I would teach the weaker students at 3PM. 3PM to 4PM is considered after hours. They still have classes so I really don’t understand how it’s after hours. I’m at school until 4PM so I told her, “why not”? She said she thought I was only interested in teaching the good students. Min Kyung is not a bad person. She’s just in over her head, she shouldn’t be an English teacher, and she pays no attention to what I say and do. I told her that I’m here for all the kids, not just the best ones. Of course it’s more fun to work with the better students but it’s terrible to ignore those that need help.

So I think after the summer break I’ll do a basic reading and phonics course for those that know nothing. I am not happy with the results the school system has achieved with a lot of these kids.

I think today I felt like I was swimming upstream and losing the battle. I don’t have an experienced English teacher who I’m working with that I could maybe get a few pointers from. I can’t spend time in the class with the poor students because I’ll lose the good and average ones. So I suppose I let the poor ones go like all their other teachers have done. I feel like a bad person just writing that but you can’t serve everyone equally.

There are a lot of positives in being a teacher. But sometimes when you sit back and look at the reality of the class, it can be depressing.

So I came home from school today and went to sleep. I haven’t done that yet but I needed the nap. Did I wake up feeling better? Let’s just say I wasn’t as tired. What’s it all about? I hate when I start thinking like this. There’s no answer. I don’t understand life or the purpose of it. I’ve spent a lot of times over the years thinking about it, and I’ve gotten nowhere. I think I’m a better person and a wiser person than I used to be, but I still can’t answer the big questions.

Why am I here? Did I really come here for an “adventure”? Did I come here to run away from real life, whatever real life is? Did I come here because I couldn’t think of anything better to do? Is this just a bad day? And who the hell do I discuss all this crap with? A keyboard? The keyboard doesn’t hold the answers and I don’t know that anyone does. I just have to find my own answers but I never will. I’ll waffle between some sort of “happy” state where things are fine, and the frustration and despair of not understanding life.

I added something new to my dinner repertoire. Tonight it was grilled salmon and boiled new potatoes. How cool. I’m glad I’m actually using the oven and cooking simple things. Of course, if I liked sweet potato and corn on my pizza I might order pizza once in a while, but that’s not going to happen.

I really hope my mood is better tomorrow. I really can’t stand feeling like this. I don’t know why this has to happen to me. I’m really sick and tired of these episodes that plague me from time to time in my life.