FEAR

I rarely, if ever, am scared for myself. I can be scared for others but not for me. After having serious illnesses you can either feel sorry for yourself and imagine every little thing to be a potential disaster (which I don’t), or you can look at it as you get sick and you get better and that’s life. That’s my approach.

I went for my stress test and EKG on Tuesday and returned to the doctor for the results this morning. All was fine. My tests are normal and I appear to be in good health. I only have one concern and that is that my stomach is big not because I’m fat, but for some other unknown reason. I asked the doctor to look at my stomach and he agreed with me. He then sent me upstairs to see the Gastroenterologist (stomach doctor). He looked at my stomach and he doesn’t think it’s fat either so I have a Espophago Gastroducuodenoscopy scheduled for Saturday. That’s a test where they stick a tube down your throat and into your stomach to have a look around. I think I’ve had one before. It’s just a test. No big deal.

But for some reason I’m scared of being sick again. I, who laughed at cancer, clogged carotid arteries, heart bypass surgery, and a mechanical aortic valve, am now fearful of what might be wrong with me. Logically I’m sure it’s no biggie but I have these scary thoughts running through my head. What if it’s a tumor? I’m sure it’s not, but fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all.

I wonder what I would do if I were seriously sick. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. I can’t imagine what it would do to my mother if I was sick again. She’s had enough to deal with these last few years. I’m not married so I don’t have spousal support and Barbara was always very good when she had to deal with my illnesses. I know it was harder on her than on me. I was sick and it was my job to get better. She had to watch me and hope I got better. How would Elana and Leah deal with it? I like to think that they would have the attitude I always had. Dad gets sick and then he gets better.

I know I’m driving myself crazy already and I probably have nothing to worry about but I’ve been healthy for about 6 years now so I feel that it’s time to be sick again. What a fatalist!

I’m not used to being scared and it’s scary being scared. I don’t want to trouble anyone yet I don’t want to be alone. And even having a girlfriend here, I still live alone so therefore I am alone. That’s just how I look at it.

So I get to worry until Saturday. Hopefully they find something minor that is easily fixed that explains my expanded stomach. I don’t mean to scare anyone (Elana, Leah, family) but I’m scared and I can write about anything I want. I hate this.

The weekend was busy and therefore pretty good. Friday was just falling asleep to movies by myself. On Saturday morning I went with Saeyoon to her Buddhism in English class. Her father was there also and I’ve met him once before (as a friend of Saeyoon’s). They had someone talk about temple architecture and it was incredibly boring. I’m not sure how much the students understood because there was never a question and answer period as to what the English meant. The speaker was a Korean architect whose English vocabulary was good but whose grammar was bad. And she sounded boring.

After class we went to lunch with her father and some class members. They seemed like nice people and they spoke to me a little. Mostly they spoke Korean among themselves and apologized to me for it. After lunch we went to a tea house for traditional Korean tea. It wasn’t too bad. However, I was Koreaned out by then.

Saeyoon and I came back to my place and hung around and then in the evening Chummee (her girlfriend) and Chang Oh (someone in the same band as Chummee) came over to socialize. They brought Soju and Plum Wine and we ordered in some Korean food. They told me the food wasn’t good. I only had a little of it. But I did enjoy the plum wine. Chummee and Chang Oh drank the soju and Sayoon and I drank the plum wine. I was inebriated and felt good. Chang Oh was drunk and felt very good. Here is a picture of us eating.


Here is a picture of Saeyoon and Chummee.


And here’s a picture of Chang Oh, the dancing machine.


A good time was had by all. It’s the first time I’ve had visitors stay and socialize (except Saeyoon) and I enjoyed having people here. Chang Oh says that within one month he’ll invite me to his home. He will buy food (steak and salmon) and I can cook it. I look forward to it.

On Sunday Saeyoon came over and we watched “Little Miss Sunshine”. We both loved it. Alan Arkin as the grandfather cracked me up and he won the Oscar for his performance. I was quite surprised that with as few movies as I’ve seen this year, I saw the best picture (“The Departed”), the best actress (Helen Mirren in “The Queen”), and the best supporting actor. We are going to watch “Dreamgirls” tomorrow so I’ll see the best supporting actress too. Yes, “Dreamgirls” will be in theatres in Korea in March, but I have the DVD already to view. I wonder if that’s legal?

Work is okay. The kids go back to school on Friday so I’ll have a pretty regular schedule after that. During the holidays it’s always changing. Kyle says I’ll be at 4 kindergartens as I’m now the “kindergarten teacher” he sends. I’m actually good at it and very entertaining. On Monday we went to a new kindergarten for the first time and I was supposed to give a short 10 minute class. We get there and it’s opening day and the place is packed with parents. I’m supposed to teach in front of them and show them what I do. I said, “no way”, and had them bring the kids who were there to the front. I then did my routine with them and ignored the parents. It went quite well. I do not like walking into these situations where I have no clue what’s expected of me. Kyle says he didn’t know it would be like that, but as with everything he says, it’s to be taken with a grain of salt.

Saeyoon came over Monday after work and I made her macaroni and cheese. She’s never had that before and she liked it. She needed something hot with it so she ate a bowl of hot salsa too. She then just lay on the couch like the old woman she is. I said to her that this is what she does at home plus watch TV and she agreed. I think if that ever becomes my evening routine you can take me out and shoot me.

On Tuesday she was my translator at the hospital for my stress test. It would have been fine and I could have managed without her, but I think it makes the hospital workers more comfortable to have someone Korean there in case they don’t have the words in English. It was quite thoughtful of her to come with me and I appreciated it.

Last night in my adult class when they asked me what I did on the weekend, I told them of the things I did with my “girlfriend”. One of the students asked if she could ask me a very personal question and I said “yes”. She then asked me if my girlfriend spoke to me in Korean and I said we only speak English. I then asked the class if they had any more personal questions for me. Koreans love to ask personal questions and this got them asking questions in English. “How long have you known each other”? “Where did you meet”? “Is she pretty”? I have no problem answering these questions and if the topic is interesting (and I’m interesting to them), then they find the words to make themselves understood.

At the end of the class I took out my IPOD which has pictures on it and asked if anyone wanted to see a picture of Saeyoon and me. Everyone came to look but only one student noticed that Saeyoon was the woman I brought to class several weeks ago. She got a big smile on her face as she put two and two together. It was quite funny.

Last night we talked about begging and if they gave money to beggars. The subways are full of them. Most of the people do and one woman once gave about $10 to one person and gave the coat she was wearing to another. It’s so hard to tell who is needy and who is the scam artist. But the topic was good because everyone had something to say.

I love my adult class because I learn so much from them. I get some insight into the Korean mind hearing what they think. I know the English is limited and they don’t represent the whole country, but it’s nice to have a bunch of people in the same room who can speak some English that I can learn from.

Tonight Saeyoon and I are going out with Robert to say goodbye. He leaves on Friday and I’m sorry to see him go. He’s my only native English speaking friend here and he’s a good person. I’ll miss him. Saeyoon has taken to him in the couple of times the three of us have been together so she wanted to come out with us. It will be nice tonight but somewhat bittersweet.

Tomorrow is a holiday. It’s the day to commemorate the liberation from Japan so there is no work which is nice. I believe Saeyoon is coming over to watch “Dreamgirls” and then we will go the free classical concert in Seoul that I used to go to her with on Thursdays. I haven’t been for a while because of teaching Thursday night, so it will be nice. Then Friday starts the new school year and Saturday is my test at the hospital.

A LAZY POSTER

I just haven’t been felt like posting much. I feel like there really is nothing new to report and it’s mostly the same old, same old. So I probably won’t post every day like I have in the past but I will try to post a couple of times a week. Of course, now that I’ve written this I’ll probably post every day.

This past weekend was the Lunar New Year which is a big holiday in Korea. Families get together, there’s eating, there’s gift giving, there’s games and Koreans seem to enjoy themselves. That just makes it harder for me because it makes me very aware that I’m alone.

Last Thursday my adult class gave me a gift for the New Year and it was money. It’s common to give money in Korea. They gave me a little over $50 and I was quite surprised and touched by it. They really are nice people.

Because it was the Lunar New Year I thought I wouldn’t be seeing Saeyoon much. She said she had to help her mother on Saturday do the cooking but we’d see each other on Sunday and Monday. Monday was a holiday. She went out for dinner and drinking with a friend on Friday night and I stayed in and watched some movies. I went to sleep around midnight and my phone rings at 2AM. It’s Saeyoon and she’s had a few drinks. I ask her how she’s getting home since it was so late and she asks me if I can pick her up. I tell her that I don’t know how to get to where she is and she says she’ll call me back. At 2:30 she calls again and I tell her to take a taxi home. She says she will. She then calls me back from the taxi and asks if she can come over and visit me. I say yes of course and go downstairs to meet her. It didn’t take her long to pass out once she got into my apartment. It must be love if I’m not irritated by being woken up by a drunken person in the middle of the night.

I took her home Saturday morning and then I went out for dinner with Robert on Saturday night. I took the subway into Seoul and it was dead. Many people travel on the holiday to be with family and the subway was empty, the restaurant was quiet, the streets were quiet, and it was great. What a weird experience to be in the city and have it empty when it’s always so busy. Robert leaves for Toronto a week Friday and I’ll be sorry to see him go. He got Saeyoon and I a gift for the Lunar New Year which was very thoughtful of him. It was some plum wine and glasses. Since it’s alcohol I’m sure Saeyoon will appreciate it very much.

Sunday I stayed in all day and read and watched movies. Saeyoon stayed home as relatives came and visited. I felt rather resentful because I’m a secret and I didn’t feel it was right to leave me alone. She’s not my keeper but she is my girlfriend and she should be sensitive to how I might feel lonely at these times. I did tell her this afterwards and I think she understands how I feel.

Monday morning I helped Saeyoon go to the park and get some fresh spring water for her home and office. Many people go to this park to get the water. When we went back to her place for her to drop off the water I had to wait downstairs. I was not happy. It was cold and I had to go to the washroom. When she came back down after about 15 minutes I told her that sometimes she treats me worse than a dog. This evolved into a conversation during the day where she kept saying how bad she felt for treating me like that and she knows she shouldn’t do that. I’ve now been told that she is going to tell her parents that she has a boyfriend. I don’t know when exactly that will happen, but I’m led to believe it will be very soon. All I can say is it’s about time.

Monday we went to an exhibition of art from the Louvre in Paris that was at the National Museum. We went with a friend of hers. It was so crowded it was impossible to enjoy the paintings. I’m not sure I would have enjoyed them anyhow even if the place was quiet. I’m sure it wasn’t their best work they sent over.

I still haven’t decided when we are going to come back to Toronto. I think we’ll make a decision together in the next couple of weeks.

It seems that there are men and women who live together in Korea without marriage, but in those cases they keep it a secret from their parents. No wonder so many Koreans tell lies. That’s how they live their lives. Today I asked my student if she brought in her work for me to check and she said, “I don’t know”. She then proceeded to give me an excuse why she didn’t bring it so obviously she knew she didn’t have it. It almost seems that lying is part of the culture.

I went to the doctor today and all my tests showed normal. I am going to have a stress test for my heart next week as I should have one yearly and I’ve been feeling a little short of breath lately. I’ve put on about 8 lbs. in the last 3 months. I don’t think it’s all fat. I think I’m holding water. The doctor said my ankles are swollen and I think my stomach is a little swollen too. He gave me some medicine so we’ll see if that helps.

Saeyoon came with me to the doctor because she wanted to ask him some questions about my health. She was worried he wouldn’t have time to answer questions because doctors are so busy but he did answer some for her. When we booked my stress test for next week, they asked her to come with me to translate when they do the testing. So I’ll have a translator with me for my test.

I had 2 job offers last week. One was a high school position but it was in a city a couple of hours away from Seoul. That is no good as it conflicts with my personal life. The other was at a kindergarten here in Bucheon. I decided to turn it down and trust Kyle and stick with him. I hope I don’t get burned. I shouldn’t start a new job when I know in advance I won’t be staying another year. If I stay until November with Kyle there is bonus money and a plane ticket back to Canada.

Decisions should be coming shortly.

HERE I AM AGAIN

Here I am again in South Korea. Hard to believe I’ve now been here longer than a year. I can hardly believe it myself but I think my time is starting to close down. At the moment it looks like Toronto or Southern Ontario is the destination. Before I left for Canada the idea appealed to me and it still appeals to me after my visit. I loved seeing everyone and it would be nice to see my kids, my mother, and my sister’s family more often.

The time in Toronto went quickly and painlessly. The Bar Mitzvah was great but even greater was seeing Elana and Leah and everyone else. Staying with my Mom was painless (except for a sore back from sleeping on the couch). I wasn’t ready to leave when I left and wished I was staying there longer. The only thing about Korea I missed was Saeyoon. I still believe I’m ready to live close to family again for a while at least.

I will admit it’s frightening. I would have to find a job and it intimidates me. Elana’s boyfriend Paul thinks I’ll have no trouble so I’m making him responsible. I’ve never doubted that I could find work when needed so I don’t know why I’m frightened now but I shall overcome it.

I had a “serious” talk with Saeyoon last night and made an “official” proposal. I told her that I was sure I wanted to live closer to home for a while and that I wanted her with me and felt we should try making a life together. She says she wants to be with me and will do it. So we are now negotiating leaving times. I want to go June 1st and she worries about selling her business or finding a substitute to take over for her. Then she talks about taking some kind of Buddhist certification test in October. I told her that if I go by myself first (which does allow me to find work and a place to live before she arrives), I don’t want to wait more than a month for her. The idea of being together is to be together. She says 4 months (if it’s that) is not long and in a way she’s right. I don’t tell anyone what to do but I think I’ll stick to being selfish here. I told her that I’m leaving in June and if she wants she has 1 month to come to Canada. I need to know soon because we have to start making plans for her time in Canada. She wants to study English to start and that makes sense. Getting a visa takes time so we need to start working on it soon.

I told her that if she was serious about this Buddhist test, there were probably places in Toronto to study it and take the test. She will talk to the head of the place where she studies now to find out. I don’t like being selfish but she’s not a Buddhist (she’s just interested in learning) and I just think if we want to be together we should just do it. We find what we need from the same place, not from different continents.

She said she will let me know on the 24th (when she talks to the Buddhist guy) and we’ll go from there. I think our relationship has progressed to where going together makes sense. As time goes by we provide a better support system for each other (among other things) and we grow closer with the passing of time. I know some couples separate for a lengthy period of time, but I don’t want to start out that way.

So we shall see what she says. I think we’ll be coming to Canada about a month apart. I don’t want to wait 4 months and I don’t understand the importance of waiting. I’ll have 1 month to find a decent job and get a place to live. I’m sure I can do it. Having her in Canada will be a great adventure for her and for me also. Whereas now she is my guide to Korea and Korean things, I’ll have a chance to be her guide to Canadian things. I believe my family will be accepting of her and will try and make her comfortable. I see no reason why they wouldn’t get along. She has her bad temper moments but they seem to be much less than before. I think she interacts well with people and I believe the experience of being away from home will make her blossom even more. I think she’ll gain a confidence about life and herself, and she’ll leave behind the stresses that accumulate on your home turf. It puts a lot of responsibility on me to help make the transition as painless as possible and to be able to support us, but I’m up to it.

The whole idea is quite exciting to me and where I was very skeptical about it all happening before, I now believe it will come to pass. I can’t explain it exactly but I know in my heart how she feels about me and I know how I feel about her. We get along most of the time (nothing is perfect), we communicate well, and we are compatible. We have some things to iron out (she watches TV and I don’t) but if I didn’t believe it could work I wouldn’t have proposed it. It’s just so amazing how far we’ve both come in this relationship and it would be a tragedy for both of us to not carry on together. I guess my feeling is (as others have said to me), if she loves me she’ll come with me. Life is a series of compromises and I see us both compromising on different things which is how it should be.

I did think of something today though. I’m not sure how much money I’ll get from Kyle for finishing a year with him but it might be something to factor in. Of course that would mean staying until November but I guess I should see how much cash that 4 months would mean. I really want to go in June but I need to look at the financial implications. Of course if I stick it out until then (and it’s just something I need to find out about at this point), it would require Saeyoon and I to move in together at the end of May. Whatever happens, it’s just nice to know that for the first time in a while I know what I want. I want to be close to family and I want to be with Saeyoon. That’s a big step for me to say and know what I want.

Kyle proposed a new deal for me when I came back. He realizes he was wrong in how he treated me and hopes I can start to trust him. He says he doesn’t make the same mistake twice. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again, but I’m sure he can learn from his mistakes. Where before he wanted to split the money depending on how many classes I had, he now wants to do that but guarantee me a minimum monthly salary. The guaranteed minimum is a good salary by itself and if business is good I’ll get more. It’s probably the deal he should have made from day one, but he’s learning. I told him I accept and then I started to think about it. If my time remaining here is short I should just finish out my time here working for him. There is no reason to start another job for a short period of time. If the bonus for one year is worthwhile, I should still stick it out until November. So I will stay in my job until I leave Korea.

It’s very strange to see a direction where I’m heading. I usually just fly by the seat of my pants and have never been a person for long range planning. This is a new experience. I kind of like it. I’m afraid of how I’ll manage, but I’m excited to have a goal regardless of how small it may be.

So a firm outline will begin to appear in the next couple of weeks. I feel positive at the moment and there really is no reason for that feeling to change. If I step back and look at things realistically, it does seem like it’s possible, doable, and the right thing.

Here is a picture of my lovely children and me taken at the Bar Mitzvah. Boy, they’re lucky to have such a handsome dad.

AND AWAY WE GO

Well, not quite yet. It’s Friday evening at about 6PM but I thought I’d post now before Saeyoon comes over because I don’t think I’ll have a chance. It seems that there is hope as she is spending the night with only a little arm-twisting by me. Tomorrow she’ll take me to the airport for a 6:20PM takeoff. It’s funny, I just looked at the words “spending the night” and it’s amazing that those 3 words should be “news” instead of no big deal. Ah, Korea. What a weird place. In some ways I’m more nationalistic for Korea than Koreans. They have print ads with white models and it really bugs me. Koreans ignore it and think “no big deal”. Sleeping over is a cause for major discussions and negotiations when it should be “no big deal”. What can I say about it? There is no point complaining. Things progress between Saeyoon and I, sometimes not as quickly as I’d like, but they do progress.

I’m almost all packed. I don’t think I over packed by too much. I’m getting better as time goes on. I haven’t reserved a car rental yet as I’m still considering it. I should probably reserve and then discuss with my mother when I get there. I don’t want to deprive her of a car and I don’t want to be deprived.

I told my adult class last night that I would be absent next week and therefore there would be no classes. It seems I am irreplaceable. Many of them wished me a good trip and a few told me that they would miss me. It was very nice. On Tuesday one woman (about 60), told me she was eating lunch at Pizza Hut and she was thinking of me. Why, I don’t know. She said she wanted to take me to Pizza Hut but we haven’t made a date. Last night she told me she misses me every day (I’m sure she’s pulling my leg, but pulling it in English). I laughed at her and told her that she can’t possibly miss me every day because I’m still waiting for my pizza invitation. Another woman said to me, “are you sure you’re coming back”? I thought that was a good question but I assured her I was since most of my stuff will still be in Korea.

Kyle called me today to see if I needed a ride to the airport. I told him that Saeyoon was taking me but thanks anyways. I guess he is trying very hard to get back in my good books but it’s not going to happen. I finally figured out how my forgiveness works. The more I care about a person, the quicker I can forgive them. You can do me dirt and if I love you, I can forgive you pretty quickly. If I’m not crazy about a person I might as well not forgive them because they’re not important to me. I wonder if that’s true of others. Discuss amongst yourselves.

I suppose when I return it’s time to start figuring out what I’m going to be doing for real. I’ll be looking at Canada closely when I’m there to try and get a feeling as to whether I can handle living there for a while. I just can’t picture myself here for a long time right now. I can see myself in a new country regardless of how many Korean drinking buddies I end up with. I could see living elsewhere and then coming back to Korea but of course all Korean options are dependant on my relationship. If I’m serious about Saeyoon (and I am) then I need to be open to all options as does she.

I need a holiday. Going to Canada is great but it’s not a holiday. It’s family. Being in Korea isn’t a holiday, it’s where I live. I’d love to go away to just see new things for a while. I should have been a dentist and made a ton of money instead of having a pretty fun existence. I think I’m joking.

Here is a picture of my former Monday night students and I. I do hope we remain friends.


Here are the students with So Yung’s mother. She is such a nice lady. She doesn’t speak English but she tries to learn something new to say to me every time. So Yung told me that her mother is sad that she’s not taking lessons with me anymore because she’ll miss me. So I told her to invite me over to see the family. It’s funny. I’ve met So Yung, her sister, her mother, and her father. I’ve met Saeyoon’s father but not her mother or brother. Hmmmn.


I won’t post while in Canada. I haven’t been posting much lately anyhow but I’m sure when I return things will be happening, plans will be being made, and I’ll be confused as usual. I can hardly wait.

THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE

Here’s another reason why sometimes I don’t post for a while. I have many thoughts running through my mind. It’s always been a problem of mine. Some of these thoughts you want to just run through your mind and then right out of it. I don’t want to write everything down. It’s like if I write it and post it, it becomes more real. Instead of a thought it becomes something to seriously think about and sometimes I don’t want to think. So I don’t post and hope it all goes away. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. My head is spinning as so many things go through it. When do you know if you did the right thing? When you’re dead? We try and make what we hope are the best choices and I know that sometimes they aren’t. When that happens you’re supposed to learn from them and continue on. But sometimes it’s really very scary. The reality is I’ve put myself out on a ledge and I’m balancing precariously on the edge of it. Yes, it’s a great adventure. Yes, I’m a lucky person to be able to do what I’ve done in the last year. And yes, maybe it was just a crazy thing to do. It’s not mathematics where there is always a right answer and a wrong answer. It’s life and life is not quite as exact as math.

Kyle has become a piece of scum in my life. Every time I’ve gone to work for someone younger than me, they’ve turned out to be the wrong place to work. I have respect for those who want to try their own business and I figure I’ll give them respect from the start. However, that isn’t always the smartest thing to do.

After not being paid for a week but being told every day that the money was being deposited that day the truth finally came out. He came over on Sunday and I had Saeyoon here as a witness and also as someone who would yell at him if need be. Kyle was upset that he’s lost a few customers and he blames me. What are my crimes? I missed 2 classes because of sickness so the people quit. Somehow I don’t buy that. I called a student a monkey. I may call kids lots of things but never to their faces so I know that one isn’t true. I’ve fallen asleep in 2 different places. I know I fell asleep watching movies at middle school but I’ve never fallen asleep at this job. The lies are just absurd. Kyle felt because he’s lost customers that he shouldn’t have to pay me.

My only response to this crap was to tell him that he is a liar and a thief. Since he spent a week telling me that he deposited my money when he didn’t he couldn’t really dispute the liar part. He wanted me to have a new contract with him where I get paid by the class. I just kept saying, “where is the money you owe me”? He then said since I was being fired or quitting (whatever) that I owed him six months rent on this apartment that I sublet from him. Of course I don’t as it was never part of the contract but the problem is that he’s holding my money and as a foreigner here you can’t really win a legal battle against a Korean.

Saeyoon was quiet during all this and then Kyle and her spoke for a while in Korean. She was calm and nice with him and he said he had to go out but would be back shortly to continue the discussion. Needless to say he didn’t return. Boy, was Saeyoon angry. I wasn’t surprised. Kyle’s phone was broken so she called his brother (I had his number) and gave him messages for Kyle. She was fit to be tied and I was just tired and stressed. I wonder if it’s me or just bad luck? Saeyoon swore she would make his life a living hell if I didn’t get paid and I believed her.

At this point Saeyoon and I discussed what my options were and one of them was to just stay in Canada when I go on the 3rd. I said what becomes of us and she said that she would come to me (in June). Since we hadn’t really had deep discussions about what we would do with any future together I was touched by what she said. I said to her, “what if you don’t come”? She said that I should have confidence in her. Who knows, maybe life is full of surprises.

I told her that it’s easy to get a job in Korea but she knows I’m not thrilled by having another job here. I said if I stayed in Toronto I could get a job and get set up for when she comes. But I also told her that I really didn’t want to be apart for 3 or 4 months. What’s the right thing to do? I don’t know.

At 1AM Kyle phones me to tell me that he would come over the next morning at 9AM with my money and to discuss a new deal. I was through telling him he was a liar and a thief because he knew he was. I just said, “Okay”.

He did show up at 9AM without money. He said that he was going to pay me and that I didn’t owe him for the apartment and he only said that because he was angry. He was bothered that I didn’t seem to care that he lost customers. I told him that of course I was bothered but if you lose someone and it’s my fault, then you have to tell me what I did wrong. He had no response to that.

He made me an offer based on the number of classes I do and I agreed because I figured it was the best way for me to get my money and I could look for another job while doing this. He told me that he wouldn’t lie to me again (which is probably another lie), and he would pay me that day $1000 of the $1500 he owes me. I would get the rest plus the rest of my monthly salary when I get back from Canada. I figured $1000 is better than nothing so I agreed.

He did pay and he’s tried to be extra nice since then. I have no use for him and am civil and that’s it. He did say that he is trying to find an elementary school teacher for some people he wants to do business with, and he asked me if I was interested. I told him I was and supposedly I have an interview with them this week. It would be regular daytime hours and not working with Kyle. It would be another 1 year contract but obviously that doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m really feeling that I won’t stay here past June. At the moment I’m leaning towards Southern Ontario to be close to family for a while. It’s partly guilt and it’s partly that I feel that I should be closer for a while. Of course, that idea could change.

Will Saeyoon come with me? If she has the courage to break away and grow up then she will. It would be the right thing for her and even if it doesn’t work out she’d have a great adventure. Obviously I think it would work or I wouldn’t suggest it. We will talk in detail about it when I get back from Canada. If we are to move then she needs time to plan for it.

So I stay on here to see if this relationship continues to develop. It feels like it does but sometimes I have my moments of insecurity. Insecurity is something I’ve battled all my life so I try to not let it put me out too much. They are bad moments, but I also know that they pass.

It’s okay that I come back to Korea. It’s really what I want to do the most right now. Robert says I should have 2 reasons to come back but I only really only have one. It’s a big one so it will have to make do for two.

I had to leave this post because Saeyoon called to meet her as we were going out. It’s now the next (Thursday) afternoon. A friend of Saeyoon’s from music college is in a band and we went to see them perform. They are a five piece band (bass, guitar, drums, synthesizer, vocalist) and they weren’t too bad. They sang soul songs and the singer (a Korean girl) sounded black. It was really amazing to look at this Korean girl and hear the voice that came out of her. It was very disorienting. And then when she finished the song (in English) she would thank the audience in Korean. It was really weird.

There were 3 bands playing and practically no one watching but it was enjoyable. Saeyoon and I went to eat at a Korean place before the show and I had bulgogi which is a Korean meat dish. It was actually pretty good. Saeyoon had fish so we can eat at Korean restaurants and both find something to eat. I hate my guilt that we always seem to go American. It’s unfair. I figure I can find at least one thing to eat at any restaurant.

After the show Saeyoon, myself, and the band went to a bar to eat, drink, and talk. They were all very nice and I didn’t feel left out. Some of them spoke a little English and we seemed to understand each other. I got drunk for my first time in a year. I drank soju (the Korean alcohol of choice). I have no idea how much I drank but I did make love to the porcelain in the bathroom and I did find an empty row of chairs to have a snooze on. I got home at 3:30AM and had a kindergarten class at 10AM. I feel pretty tired. I can’t believe how drunk I was. I invited everyone over here on February 24th for a party. I’m a friendly drunk.

Saeyoon called me at 8:50AM this morning to be sure I was up. She seemed surprised to hear I was already out the door and on my way. It’s the first time she’s seen me drunk and I don’t think I embarrassed her. I think everyone was drunk except the designated driver. No hangover today, just tired. I can sure handle my alcohol.

Kyle called me last night to tell me that I had an interview for the elementary school job today. Before we got off the phone he said, “can I ask you a favor”? I said sure and he said that he wanted to be friends with me after I get the new job. I tried hard not to laugh and succeeded. I just said, “we’ll see”. At least he knows he’s an ass and I am certainly not letting him off the hook.

The interview went fine. It’s a company that is selling supplementary programs to elementary schools. The schools want the students to study extra at the school and not go to an outside academy. They are trying to sign schools and they’ve signed a few. They couldn’t give me an answer today on whether I got the job but if offered, I’ll take it. It’s a 9 to 5 job so that’s good for me. It’s a little farther from Saeyoon, but only by 5 subway stops. It’s not the job of my dreams but it’s fine if I look at it as just something until June.

I found my car key yesterday. That was the one I lost a couple of weeks ago that cost me $40 to get a new one made. It was in the washing machine stuck somewhere and it came loose. What a shock. I knew it would turn up sooner or later, I just didn’t think it would be in the washer.

My Monday night adult students have quit after 3 classes. One of them wants to study to become an elementary school teacher and the other is just too busy. I told them that they needed to call me to do things and we could be friends. It’s also free as they can talk English to me without paying.

I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m feeling a little worn out. I know it sounds like a contradiction based on the way I live, but I really would like some stability in my life. It’s difficult to be a rambling man and have the stability but it’s what I want. I want a partner to talk to and listen to. I want a partner who can understand me and who I can understand. I want someone I can count on to be there and someone who wants to count on me to be there. I verbalize these things now because they are truly what I believe I want. It’s part of the stability I’m looking for. Is Saeyoon the one? Possibly. It’s just so hard to know without actually living together day by day. I guess you just bite the bullet and hope your instincts were right.

I’ll try to do one more post before leaving in a couple of days. It’s weird to say that. I’m not taking my computer because my mother doesn’t have Internet access but I’m sure I’ll survive. I won’t post while there and hopefully I’ll be too busy anyhow. I honestly wish that Saeyoon were coming with me because I’d like to subject my family to her, and her to my family. But when you run a 1-person school it’s kind of hard to take time off. I’ll go, I’ll see people, I’ll laugh, I’ll cry, I’ll miss Saeyoon, and I’ll come back to Korea to see how this Korean story ends up.