COUNTING DOWN

I’m in the countdown mode. Three and a half days to go. My previous class wouldn’t shut up so I just ignored them and didn’t teach. Near the end of the class I wrote 4 words on the board in Korean. The first three were things I told them they were. The words were rude, ignorant, and immature. Then I told them that this was our last class together and I was glad because I quit. I had quit on the board in Korean. They’re 14 and they act like they’re seven. A few are fine, but it was no fun.

I signed the new contract last night. Kyle (new boss) says he found me a place to live that is in a new building. It’s not a high rise but a smaller apartment building of just 5 floors. It’s a 2 bedroom apartment so I’m quite happy. The amount I chip in for rent is about $120 a month so that’s fine. So Sunday is moving day. Yoon-Soo will come and help me in the morning get my stuff there. Saeyoon says she’ll come in the afternoon to help me get settled and she said she’d come on Saturday to help me get organized. So I’m set except for setting up the cancellation of the phone, gas, and Internet. I’ve asked Kyle to schedule the Internet install for as soon as possible. It’s hard to remember how we lived before it.

Min Kyung says to me yesterday that she’s not sure how she feels about my leaving. She’s a little scared of what might come after me. (I didn’t tell her that they couldn’t come any worse than me). I did try and make an important point to her, but I don’t know if it stuck. I said that Westerners come to Korea and have to learn Korean ways to get along. I said that Koreans who invite Westerners here and have to work with them should try and learn some Western ways so they can understand them better. I hope she got it.

I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Only time will tell. I hope the town I am moving to is nice. It’s very near Seoul and I’m a five minute walk from the subway station. I’m sure in many ways it will be a third totally different Korean experience. I’m certainly not letting any grass grow under my feet. I do know (I think) that this will be either my last job in Korea, or my only job for the next year or so. Three strikes and you’re out. If it doesn’t work I’ll take the hint. Of course I need the work life and the personal life to work out. If the personal life doesn’t work out I can still keep the job and maybe make some money and have a new personal life. If the job doesn’t work out I can suffer through it because the money is good and the personal life makes it worth it. But I honestly can’t see the future.

I’m really starting to enjoy the Dunkin Donuts coffee. I hope there is one near my new place. Coffee is quite expensive here, but it’s a vice I enjoy. It’s about $2.25 for a large coffee at Dunkin Donuts and $3.50 at Starbucks. The drawback to Dunkin Donuts is that I always buy a donut or four, while at Starbucks I usually don’t buy any cake.

I’ve said this before I’m sure, and I know I’ll say it again. If I could see family every month instead of 6+ months and still do this living overseas thing, everything would be so much better for me. It would help combat the loneliness and it would just be wonderful to see everyone. In some ways this is such an unfair choice that I’ve made and I mean unfair to me. I want both and of course I can’t have both. It would be a hoot if Elana and Leah were here because then I could bring them to school for show and tell.

AND HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

What time is it? What moment in time is it? Does it matter what I say because I may change my mind in a minute. I wish I could stop thinking. I am 2nd guessing myself to the point of distraction. Yes I do believe we’re on the eve of distraction. (At least I’m still funny).

Let’s deal with Saeyoon first. If I didn’t think I loved her, I think I could kill her. Sometimes I think she has foot in mouth disease. I don’t know if it’s the language or just plain inconsideration or what. Sometimes when I call her on something and she says that’s not what she meant, I wonder if that’s true or if she’s using her lack of English to weasel out of things. Or maybe I’m just too sensitive. I got really annoyed Friday night on the phone. She said she didn’t mean something the way I took it. And maybe I’m just so on edge that it’s easy for me to take things the wrong way. I honestly don’t know.

We had plans for Saturday to do some different things and then she was to come over Sunday so I could feed her and get rid of some of my food. She says on the phone that she’s getting her haircut on Sunday. I say, “you were coming for dinner”. She says something to the effect of “we’re seeing each other on Saturday”. I flipped. I hung up on her (not mature of me) and sent her a message that since we saw each other last Saturday, I wouldn’t be appearing this Saturday. Not the most adult way to handle things. She says she didn’t mean it like it sounded.

What bothered me is that here’s this person who wants me to move closer so we can see each other more telling me that they don’t need to see me Sunday because they’re seeing me Saturday. Something doesn’t compute. So of course I start questioning everything I’m doing. It’s no fun driving yourself crazy. I felt it was time for us to have a “come to Jesus” meeting. That’s a little phrase I learned in Texas that I love. It means to sit down and talk about the problems.

As things transpired she was quite ill this weekend so we didn’t see each other and didn’t talk until last night. My upset of Friday seemed trivial and not worth mentioning anymore. She asked me where I was going to move to and I mentioned an area of Seoul. I asked her where she wanted me to move and she said close to her. This is what I choose to believe the truth to be and this is what I want the truth to be.

We are talking here about a person who couldn’t express herself emotionally because it’s not a Korean thing, and she has come so far in expressing her feelings that sometimes it amazes me. I went to a bar on Friday night with John from New Zealand who has a drinking problem I believe. It was a nice time and as we all know, alcohol is a depressant. I had sent Saeyoon a text message from the bar saying I was there and the bartender who remembered her from her visit there said hello. About an hour later the bar owner comes to me and says there is a phone call for me. I thought he was joking but it was Saeyoon calling me on their phone. She was supposed to be out with friends but that fell apart. I’m feeling okay but part of me is feeling very lonely. I feel very lonely these days. She says to me to not be lonely because she’s there with me in my heart. I can’t believe this is the same woman who would never say anything close to that to anyone. It was a very sweet and thoughtful thing to say.

Last night on the phone I mentioned that I am all alone here in Korea and sometimes it’s difficult. She was saying how lucky she was to have her mother to take care of her while she was sick this weekend. She told me that if I was ever sick I’m to call her and she’d take a taxi right over to come and take care of me. So where is the reality and where does my insecurity end? I know when I write these things it might not seem like much, but it truly is a big deal because of who she is and how she is opening herself up.

Sometimes I despair of anything ever coming of this, and other times I think that it would be so wonderful and that we are a good match. I wish she’d live with me because you never really know a person until you live with them. My situation is I’m tired of living alone, I’ve found someone I care for very much, and I want to see where it is going. I want to know if we could live together. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. It’s one of those crazy Korean things that I have to accept and not understand. But what’s stupid about it is that it would be good for her. She’d leave her mother (finally) and she’d see whether she could tolerate me which at times is no easy task.

I looked through my apartment yesterday and I don’t think moving by car will be a big deal. That was a relief. What’s not a relief is knowing I’m moving on Sunday and not having a place to live yet. I hope Kyle (the new boss) knows what he’s doing. I don’t think I’d be happy living in my car. I’m meeting him tonight to sign the contract. Why? I don’t know. These contracts are meaningless.

I was talking to Min Kyung a little earlier and she commented how much more happy and at peace I seemed since I resigned. She was right. I wanted to tell her that I’m not leaving Korea but I didn’t. I just said it’s no one’s business what I do next. She asked me about Saeyoon and I just said Saeyoon knows what I’m doing but that’s it. Min Kyung then asked me if Saeyoon was staying in Korea and I said yes. I don’t like lying about this, and I think it makes me sound bad. It sounds like I could easily walk away from someone I professed to care a great deal about. But I kept my mouth shut.

I haven’t told any of the kids I’m leaving. What’s the point? I look at them a little closer now and I think that I like so many of them. Of course there are many I could do without quite easily. I feel that I’ve made some “friends” among the students even through the language barrier. I really am sorry it didn’t work out here. Nice kids who don’t want to learn English and talk too much. Nice city with clean air. Beautiful apartment. I honestly wish it could have worked.

HOW MANY JOBS MUST A MAN HAVE, BEFORE YOU CAN CALL HIM A FOOL

The answer my friend isn’t blowing in any wind. There is no answer. I’ve written my resignation letter using the utmost restraint. I wanted to write that because you are scum, I’m leaving. I kept it to something like I regret that our differences where we both feel the other is at fault has led to this situation and I resign for the good of Duil Middle School. I also said I had family obligations in Canada to take care of which would keep me out of the country indefinitely. That part is a lie but it sort of says if it wasn’t for the fact you were an ass, I’d still have to quit.

So, where am I going? Would you believe Seoul? Okay, what happened? I was China bound all day yesterday. I was really working hard on the China high school job but it got to the point where ideally they wanted me to come to Shanghai for an interview. My comment was, and I quote, “they’re crazy”. For China it was a good paying job. Based on the little I knew, it might have been good. It was left last night as things might happen today.

I got a call from Kyle last night (he has the tutoring company) telling me he’s worked out the schedule. He has me working from 1PM to 6:30PM on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I work from 3PM to 9:30PM. The hours don’t sound like a lot. I would prefer mornings and to finish earlier. I told him I needed to think about it and I would call him back today.

At 12:30 in the morning I had a phone call from Saeyoon that woke me. I don’t have a problem be awoken. Maybe she had something important to say. She apologized for waking me and I asked her what she wanted to say and she said to just ask about my day. I said it was okay. I was not Mr. Warmth. She said I should go back to sleep and we hung up. That was fine with me. I fell back asleep and I was awoken by the phone at 1:15AM. It was Saeyoon again and this time we talked. I could tell by the things she was saying that she had read my blog. My point was basically grow up and see if we have a future because I’m not interested in anything else. When she is who I believe she is and can be, I see great hope for a future. When she’s immature, I see nothing but aggravation. She asked me if what happens next was up to her and I said yes. So she decided that I was right this time. Some of the things I said were things she says she wishes she could have said, but due to the language problem (which there sometimes is) she couldn’t. That I understand.

I want to believe her. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t be good. I believe we’re a good match. I know I waffle back and forth on this, but if I really believe that she’s a good and warm woman and the immaturity is something that she will get past then I should be here. She asked me how you stop being immature. I said you just decide that you’re not going to be immature and start making decisions you think are best for yourself. If you make a mistake, you fix it. You don’t die.

So, here we are again. It’s funny in that I felt for the first time that I could do the break up. I was at the “enough is enough” point. But if she feels that we can get past this, and I want it to work, then we should try. It just might be worth it.

So, I’m taking the tutoring job and moving to Seoul. Who would have thunk it? When I was coming to Korea the only place I knew I didn’t want to live was Seoul. What a difference 9 months makes. I have my resignation letter sitting in my hand ready to give to Min Kyung to give to the principal.

I’ll miss a lot of the kids but as I said, I’ll get over it. I hope I find some pleasure in working one on one with the kids. I know the extra money will be nice and I might be able to save a bit in spite of myself. I don’t look forward to moving because I’ve accumulated a bunch of crap. It’s a good thing I have a car and Yoon-Soo has offered to help.

I get a housing allowance and furniture and appliances for the new apartment. I am willing to put in about $200 a month to upgrade to a better place. I want a place I’m comfortable in. I’m trying to have a “normal” life here. I will give it my best shot. Who knows, it may all work out, and if it doesn’t then once again, no one dies.

If everything works out that will be great. If it doesn’t then I have options. Realistically I can’t lose. I know what would make me feel like a winner and what I want, but if that doesn’t happen I still don’t lose. I will know I tried and sometimes it’s worth trying even if you fail. Today it all feels like the right thing to do.

THERE’S NOTHING LIKE WRITING WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN

Actually there are lots of things and I have no idea why I write when I feel low, but here I am again. Do I want sympathy? No, I don’t. I just want some peace of mind and stability in my life. And adventure. Are these things at cross purposes? Beats me. I’m just trying but I don’t know the rules and am just fumbling my way around.

On a positive note a boy brought me a sandwich yesterday. He usually delivers them just after I finish my lunch (cheese and an apple) but yesterday he came by early so I’d get it. It was a meat and cheese sandwich and I think he’s more than fulfilled any obligation he or his family felt for my helping him with his speech. This is the Korea I love. These are the kids I love. Things like this are good and make everything seem wonderful.

I think Min Kyung and I have buried the hatchet. We’re not really talking but we’re being civil when we have to be. We practiced for our open class tomorrow (teachers and the principal can come and watch) and it went well. I don’t approve of Korean in the classroom but I have come to the realization that to be practical you have to let some in. It went well and the class moved quicker. Those that can understand some English will understand what I say. Those that can’t understand will probably never understand so why not pretend to teach them and speak Korean. In other words, I give up.

My mind has been turning back and forth and in circles trying to figure out what to do. The intellectual side of me says it’s time to move on and try another experience. Mongolia would be great but there are too many negatives, the biggest one being that it would be several months’ salary to fly to North America. As most everyone knows, money has never been a motivating factor for me, and it slips out of my hands anyhow. I am seriously looking at China. I need to stop waffling and do something.

The intellectual side of me says that regardless of how I feel emotionally about Saeyoon, there is no future there. She is too immature and indecisive about everything. I can picture myself in a year still waiting for her to make up her mind about how she feels and if she thinks we have a future. It changes from “I love you” to “I like you” to “I think I love you” and things like that. Korean parents do such a disservice to their children by not pushing them out of the nest by the time they are 25. How is the person to grow?

I sent her a nice little message yesterday afternoon. Just a nice thing to say to someone and the reply I got was this. “I think I love you too but it’s not as much as I wanna get married with (not as much as my mom)”. This set me off and got me thinking seriously. First off, no one has asked anyone to marry them, so why mention that? Then what does her mother have to do with anything? I love my mother more. I love my kids more. I would never say that to anyone I was serious about and the love is totally different. It’s just immature and stupid to say something like that.

It’s like she’s two people. She’s a woman I care a great deal about with a kind and thoughtful heart, and she’s this immature little kid who doesn’t seem to want to grow up. And I can’t wait forever. I want something stable with someone who I can count on. When I got her message yesterday my sarcastic side (I still have it) took over. I told her that no one asked her to marry them and I wouldn’t ask, so why mention it. Then I told her to go marry her mother and live happily ever after with her. She didn’t like that. I really need to curb my sarcasm at times.

So now I’m really trying very hard to decide should I stay or should I go. If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double. And I feel rushed to make a final decision because I have 2 jobs here on the fire. China has so many jobs and it would be a totally new experience. I’ve been perusing the boards this morning and have sent out some resumes. They get back to you very quickly. If I go part of it will be running away. I know that I could flog the Saeyoon scenario to death with my trying to see if it goes, and going crazy when she’s immature. If I’m not here it’s out of sight, out of mind. And what is there in Korea for me? Been there, done that, have the t-shirt.

To be honest, I really wanted it to work out. There is a part of me she touches but as was once told to me, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. And that’s true. I’m 51 and I don’t want to be alone. I won’t settle for anyone, but I won’t wait too long for anyone either. I don’t have all the years left that I once had. I think I have this thing for Oriental women. It’s their manners, their politeness, their respect for family, plus they’re pretty. I was brought up with excellent manners so I appreciate things like that. Am I looking for an Oriental girl friend/wife? No. But I’m open to anything and we never know when or where lightening strikes.

I figure if I say it’s over enough times, I’ll actually believe it and be able to move on. I haven’t discussed these things with Saeyoon yet although I’ve mentioned them before. She’ll tell me she can’t live without me which is not true. It’s not enough to say things like that; you have to take action to make the relationship stick. But as she lives in fear of relationships and is unsure of everything, it can’t work. She’s come a long way but I guess it’s not enough or quick enough for me. I have to make life decisions here, and I don’t want to factor in anything that isn’t going to happen. I’m just so tired of it, and part of me is filled with disappointment. I have no regrets because it’s good to feel deeply about a person. But it’s not enough. Relationships change with time. If you’re lucky the kind of love changes and it’s even stronger, and the little things that bother you that aren’t important, stay unimportant and they don’t bother you. But if they are big issues that you’re just sweeping under the rug, then you are headed for big trouble down the road.

The three girls who have been visiting me at lunch came in again today as I was eating my apple. They told me that eating an apple is good for your skin. I didn’t know that. One of the girls was hit on her hand with a stick by Min Kyung for not doing her homework and it was hurting her. Of course I was disgusted and told them that it’s wrong to hit students. They agreed but asked me to not tell anyone they told me. Of course I agreed but I’d like to whack Min Kyung upside the head with a stick. Stupid, ignorant cow. So I went into my speech that if a teacher ever would have hit my kids in school I’d beat them with a baseball bat. That led to my showing some old pictures of Elana and Leah on my IPOD. Then I remembered Leah’s site so I dug up some more pictures. Naturally they think my kids are gorgeous (which they are). I was looking through some of Leah’s wedding pictures and I came very close to crying. Everyone looked so happy and her and Taylor look like they’re in heaven. I was feeling very jealous. I miss my kids. I hope they’re happy and stay happy and don’t take after me in the way that I’m never totally satisfied or at peace.

So the tutoring job called me back and it seems he can work out the schedule to what I said would work for me. He said he’d be finished in a few hours and call me back. Shit. I want a few days to think about this. I know it will mean I’ve quit 2 jobs in Korea, but I took them with the full intention of fulfilling my one year contract. However, if I’m not happy then what’s the point? If I take this job, Saeyoon or not, I have to be willing to give it a go. Leaving Saeyoon out of the equation, I’d still be living in Seoul which means more fast food choices. (That was a joke). If I date again, I won’t have to travel 2 hours to get there. It’s a new kind of experience. Or am I just trying to talk myself into it. My confidence level, never very high to begin with, is at a low point. I almost want someone to tell me what to do and I usually never want anyone to tell me what to do. As much as I miss my family I really don’t want to go back to North America. It’s not as interesting as living in new countries, the job market for what I can do is limited and not as interesting as banging my head against the wall trying to communicate with kids. However, I like the effort and I appreciate the small inroads I make. Sometimes it’s a very interesting life I have and I’ve had lots of interesting experiences. Those are valuable. But on the negative side, your experiences won’t remember you when you’re dead. You can’t snuggle up to your experiences at night. You can’t talk to them. It’s hell when you can take both sides of an argument at times.

I’m online talking to a woman about a high school in Wenzhou, China. It pays twice as much as a University. I have no idea why Universities pay so lousy in China. I’m communicating with another woman online who offered me a job and I asked if it was possible to up the salary. She is going to talk to her boss. That place is a University that is near the border of Mongolia and Russia. Things like that excite me.

Okay, rereading what I wrote I think it’s obvious I want to try a new country. I’m far from a Korean expert but I have no desire to be one. I don’t like the schools. I don’t like the hitting. I don’t like the dictator powers of the principal. Would someplace else be better? I don’t know, but I won’t know if I don’t try it. I can do these things and most other people can’t do them. If they were in a position to be able to do them, they wouldn’t. Sometimes, in all honesty, I wonder if I did the right thing. I know I wasn’t in my right mind back in April of 2004 and I have no idea what have transpired if I was. But as Laura reminds me, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube (or something like that). Something was wrong for me back in Tyler and hindsight being 20-20, I wish I would have had the brains to figure it out on my own instead of the way I did things.

So as I said I’m talking to this woman recruiter in China online. What a pleasurable experience. She’s 23 (I thought she was older) and it’s interesting to hear her talk about how things are there. It’s similar to Korea in many ways. Many unmarried women still live with their parents, but also many people are starting to live with each other against their parent’s wishes. I know I’m probably talking to a well-educated and smart person (her English is excellent) but it makes me feel good. It’s so interesting.

In a way it’s also very pathetic, this search for something that I don’t know I’m searching for. Do people really think they’ve figured out life, or do they just not think about it too much and go about their way. I’ve always thought too much about it. The anti-depressants keep it manageable but if it weren’t for them, I’d be a mess. Sometimes I just want to lay down on the floor and cry, but I can’t because of the drugs. That’s a good thing because without them I’d be crying all the time. I am trying to stay optimistic that there is a good future ahead for me somewhere. I’m not evil. I’m not saying I deserve a good future, but I’m not a bad person so that gives me more of a chance at having a good future.

If I go to China then I’m alone. But I know I’ll be alone and I’ll be able to accept that. It’s here that I shouldn’t be alone. If I was in a “normal” Western relationship we’d be living together and seeing how things went. I don’t even know if it’s a cultural thing that prohibits it. I know that’s the excuse but maybe it’s just the immaturity. Why can’t you go against some cultural things that you know are just plain “wrong” for you as a person? I suppose you have to be strong to do that.

As you see things seem to be changing minute to minute for me. Who knows what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll have to do a supplemental entry tonight.

YO-YO ME

That’s right, Yo-Yo Me. Not Yo-Yo Ma. I’m not musical. My mood which appears to be even-tempered and calm is always just a fraction away from collapsing. I can lose it, or want to lose it in the blink of an eye. I make a plan and then start second guessing myself. I have a lack of total confidence in any decision I make. This isn’t fun.

Yesterday afternoon at the school they had some sort of talent show. A lot of the boys were dressed as girls which was a laugh. If I didn’t know they were boys, some of them could have “passed” for girls. I admire their guts to get up in front of everyone looking like they did. Some of the kids sang Karaoke and some of the kids did dance routines. As usual in these kind of things there was a wide range of abilities. The gym teacher sang a song and he was a worse singer than me. However, the worst singer award goes to the vice-principal. I give him credit for getting up and singing before all the students. I wouldn’t have believed he’d do such a thing. So he gets credit for that. And even though I don’t speak to him or do we acknowledge the existence of each other in any way, when I saw him in the hall later I said, “sing…good” and gave him the thumbs up. He smiled and he gets a little respect for getting up in front of everyone.

I departed at 4 and as I was leaving I saw a band outside putting their drums together. I thought this must be for the “dance”. Should I go and watch or leave? I left and got a coffee but came back. No one was dancing but everyone was crowded near the front of the room for the very, loud music. Most of the kids were screaming. You would have thought it was the Beatles. It was so cute to watch. When they finished the kids were running out of the room with their fingers in their ears. I guess the sound finally got to them. I think most of the kids had a good day and it’s a great idea to have a totally fun day at the school. So even hell has it’s good days.

I went to see the tutor guy to discuss the job more. He brought a contract but it was a half-assed job which needs to be fixed. It’s funny because the contract is pointless but everyone wants one. We discussed things and agreed on everything. The only issue was my hours. He said Monday, Wednesday, and Friday working until 5 or 6 and Tuesday and Thursday working until 9. I was fine with that but he wants a day and a half to be sure he can schedule it and commit to it. I like that because it shows honesty. There is no point in making a false promise and then pissing me off when you don’t meet it. He understands that his word is most important. I am moving slowly on the public school job I was offered because I don’t want to say no yet. I want this job (I think) so I hope it works out.

Of course, that was yesterday. Today I want to leave Korea. That’s where I know my mood is on the edge. It might be next to nothing annoying me, but that’s a bad sign. I called Saeyoon last night after my meeting to discuss it. She was out and said she’d call when she got home. She called and she was quite drunk. I could barely understand her and she was on the verge of passing out. We got off the phone. I wasn’t annoyed. I was disappointed that I couldn’t talk about it with her, but you’re allowed to go out and have fun.

I get a message this morning from her apologizing for being drunk. I reply that there is no reason to apologize, she’s free to do as she wants, and it’s her life. Nothing negative was meant in it. It is her life to do as she pleases. She replies to my message with, “my life???????....oh, I SEE”. That sounds like she’s offended by what I wrote and I’m thinking, “give me a break”. What the hell am I supposed to say? You’re not allowed to get drunk. You’re a bad person. Grow the fuck up. As you can see I’m easily set off. Is this the kind of person who I want to invest time in? To swing so dramatically from feeling one way to another is not good. I feel so much pressure to make a good decision. I don’t want a big thank you for continuing my Korean effort, but some consideration for what I’m trying to do by finding a job that is tolerable, and a little appreciation for trying to move closer.

I’m tired of the dating game. I know that women are stronger than men when it comes to getting into a relationship after a divorce. I think men remarry much quicker than women because they don’t like to be alone. I was quite content to be alone but I’m not content anymore. I have no idea if I could make it work with anyone but I think I’d like to try. Of course, that’s not just anyone as it has to be someone I think is special. The problem with Saeyoon is that there can be no living together. It’s some Korean thing. I don’t agree, and I don’t understand, but I have to accept and respect it. At times I think that this is all worth it and can go all the way, and at other times I think who needs this aggravation. I can’t be a yo-yo. I can cut and run but if I do that it doesn’t change my lifestyle situation. And, what if she is worth it? I would never know. I just wish I could “know” things.

At this exact moment I could walk out, pack my bags, and get on a plane for anywhere in the world and not look back. But that’s at this exact moment. It might be different in an hour. Of course, not being a total idiot I know that feeling like this is not healthy and not good. I want deep-down stability in my life. I want to be happy with what I have and be aware of it most of the time. I want to be able to count on things. At the moment it seems like I can barely count on myself.

Yes, it’s an adventure. Yes, I need to see things clearly. Yes, I need to make decisions and have confidence in them. But knowing these things and doing them are two different things. Sometimes I’m just so tired of it.

TEACHER’S LOG – SUPLEMENTAL

I spoke to the guy from the private teaching job. We are meeting tonight at 9PM at Starbucks in Ilsan. He is bringing a schedule and a contract. So it might be a done deal and this way I can see what the work hours actually are before signing. That’s good. I think it means that he is not a person to make false promises. I like that. Of course the big thing against him is that his favorite coffee is Tim Horton’s. (He lived in Toronto for 3 years and Fort Erie for 1 year).

Saeyoon is worried that this might not be on the up and up. I didn’t know she was such a suspicious person. However, that’s okay. Sometimes you have to take a chance. I came to a public school and it hasn’t exactly been heaven. So, you just never know.

I had some kids come into my room to visit and talk in their very limited English to me. They were in here last week and they were back again today. I like it. I know they like me because they wouldn’t visit if they didn’t. And it is such a nice feeling to know that some of these kids actually like you. I know that they wouldn’t go and try to shoot the breeze with other teachers. I know part of the reason is that I’m a foreigner but I also believe that part of the reason is that I’m friendly and accessible. Needless to say, while they are in here I’m thinking I’ll miss moments like this. Unfortunately there are not enough of them, but they are so indescribably wonderful when they happen.

Sports have finished and there is some kind of assembly going on outside. They don’t have a big room for all the kids so they have school meetings outside. The microphone is so bloody loud. When they’re done they’re having a dance in the room across from mine. Boy, it will be loud but I’ll stick my head in. It will make me feel worse for leaving. I know nothing is perfect and you have to take the good with the bad. You just want more of the good than the bad. Reality is I hate (a pretty strong word) the principal, the vice-principal, and Min (the backstabber) Kyung. Reality is that 40 kids in a class is too big and almost impossible to succeed in. Reality is that most of these kids couldn’t care less about learning English.

The good reality is that I really enjoy the company of the students outside of class. I enjoy the students who try regardless of their ability. I feel at the moment like I’m screwed whatever I do. I know when I’m gone the kids will fade from my mind. I can barely remember most of the Gwangyang kids who I liked. I think I wanted a “Mr. Chips” experience but that’s just a book. You just have to accept and appreciate the little victories you get in teaching, but I think that takes quite a while to learn. Right Scott?

I honestly don’t know what the “best” move is for me. I could grovel here and then just do what I want and hope the principal and vice-principal lighten up. I could go to Gangwon Province and start fresh at a school that may be better or may be worse. I can take the job that pays well, gives me a car, has no politics, and puts me closer to Saeyoon which will allow us to learn even more about how we feel.

My fantasy is to be a great teacher in a school. But it’s a fantasy.

AM I ALMOST DONE?

I had 2 job offers yesterday. Technically it’s 3, but we’ll call it two. I have my choice of 2 middle schools in Gangwon Province. The location is not ideal as it’s not on a subway line but it’s still within 2 hours of Seoul by car or bus (without traffic jams). They look like nice cities judging from their websites. Of course it’s a crapshoot as to what I end up with if I take it.

I had an interview yesterday with a man who runs a company that supplies teachers for private tutoring and to academies. It’s a 35-40 hour a week job, the pay is good, you get a car, and you can live anywhere you want. I can live in an area close to Saeyoon which would be nice and still be close to where most of my work would be. In a job like this there are no politics. It’s just work and as most people know, work is easy. It’s all the other crap on the job that’s the problem.

My only issue with this job is the number of nights required. I told him I’d teach kindergarten and young kids which would be mornings and he was thrilled with that. However, he thought I meant extra work as opposed to instead of nighttime. He is going to see if he can make that work and get back to me today. I will work some nights I told him, but I don’t want an all nighttime job.

The other negative with this job is I’d have to drive because you go to kid’s houses. But weighing everything I hope it works out because I think it’s best for me at this point. I can handle the work, the car is a nice bonus as I could sell my car, and I’d live close to Saeyoon and we could spend more time together which will either be great or a deal-breaker. (Call me Mr. Optimistic).

Apparently it’s tough for me to get daytime jobs as there is a prejudice against older people. A lot of the private schools want teachers under 35. The parents think that older people can’t handle the kids which is stupid. It depends on the individual. So if the traveling job is a go, I’ll go for it. If it isn’t, I’ll probably go to the middle school in Gangwon. I hate to jump but I really hate it here and there is no guarantee as to what kind of job I can get. If I would work nights, I could have one of many jobs. But, I have a life and my life isn’t work. So to continue to have a life there is no full time night job for me.

I had dinner at the Outback with Yoon Soo last night. Boy, the steak was good. I noticed that he didn’t have steak. In fact, in the 4 times we’ve been there he’s never had steak so I asked him why. The reason is that he doesn’t really like meat. I asked why we go there then and he said because I like it. I said, “what do you like”? and he said “rice and vegetables”. So I think we’ll go where I like.

I asked his opinion on which job I should take and he said the tutoring job. He said Gangwon is far so living closer to Saeyoon would be better, and he said I wouldn’t have some sort of idiot boss to contend with. He knows what you might get in the public school system.

I spoke to Saeyoon about it and I think she’s just worried that the tutoring job is too much work. I agree you are actually doing more teaching but I won’t be playing policeman. Living closer is good but she said she wants me to take the best job for me. I told her that the job I choose has many factors to consider besides the job itself.

So now I sit and wait for the phone to ring to see if the tutor job is reality. If it is I quit on Thursday. Thursday is payday so I want my money in the bank before I stir the pot again. Hopefully we can part on civil terms, but I won’t hold my breath. I have one foot out the door right now and besides being nervous, I am starting to feel relief. I wonder if it’s me that causes the problems or if these jobs really suck. I’ll miss most of the kids, but I’ll get over it. Quickly.

I have no classes again today. I didn’t know that but it seems today is “Sports Day”. All the students are outside playing sports games and there is loud music blaring giving me a headache and the gym teacher constantly talking on the microphone in his extremely loud voice. I want to go home. This is so stupid for me to be here while this is going on. I know at some schools they’d let the foreign teacher take the day off. But here they won’t because they hate me. And, even if they didn’t hate me they wouldn’t let me off because that would mean I’m a human and not the dirt that is beneath their contempt. Bitter? Me? Never.

So I have 5 hours to kill here. I am waiting on a phone call. I’m nervous and ready to move on. Let’s get ready to rumble.

I MAY BE LOSING IT AGAIN

I told Min Kyung to fuck off today. I also told her she was a liar, deceitful, a useless English Teacher, and other things I can’t even remember. I should have skipped the fuck off though. That wasn’t nice.

After the first class today which is with kids who will be in high school in a few months, she was telling me that the class was too hard, they don’t understand anything, I don’t prepare materials for class, I don’t explain anything, and the class is too boring. She then said all the students complain about me. I calmly try to explain to her that the reason they know nothing is that no one has ever spoken to them in English or forced them to listen. All their English classes are in Korean so how can they learn anything. Why listen if you’re going to get the answer in Korean. So she tells me I hate Korea and I should leave. I told her that it’s people like her that do a lousy job teaching English and that’s why these kids know nothing. I then just told her to fuck off, or to go fuck herself, and leave me alone.

I also told her she was a liar and a backstabber and runs to the principal and vice-principal to tell them everything I say. She told me that the students tell her I use bad language with them which is totally laughable. I only tell other teachers and principals to fuck off, never kids. She is a moron and a dangerous moron. The failure of the school system in teaching English is that they don’t teach English. Everything is an exercise in translation. A lot of Korean teachers understand this problem but a lot of them are clueless.

I later apologized for swearing at her (it was wrong of me) but she said she didn’t want to hear it and walked off. That’s fine with me because I have nothing to say to her. I’m through trying to get along. I’ll do as good as I can in the class as long as I’m here, but the rest of them can go fuck themselves.

I know Scott knows all these things so he doesn’t have to remind me that he’s told me all this, but it’s still new to me. I hate this place. I dread coming to school. I still like the kids (mostly) but the rest of it is just too annoying. Stick a fork in me because I’m done.

I’m having dinner tonight at the Outback (yeah) with Yoon Soo. I called him yesterday to see if he was busy for dinner but he couldn’t talk and said he’d call me back. He did call me and he told me that when I phoned he was driving in his car with my principal. Small world. He doesn’t want to get in the middle (and he shouldn’t) and I would never ask him too. But he does tell me without my asking what the principal said. The principal, proving once again what a total ass he is, asked Yoon Soo to tell him what I say to him. Yoon Soo lied and just said we talk about non-work things. It’s unbelievable that the principal would want to compromise “a friend” like that.

Yoon Soo told me that the principal knows I’m looking for another job. I learned that myself on Friday when I called the agency that placed me here and asked them to help me get out of here. I spoke to the owner and he knew all about me, and he told me that the school had contacted him about finding a replacement. There was only one place that the principal could have learned that I was leaving, and that was from Min Kyung. It was my mistake to trust her. I thought after her coming to me and crying about her problems that I could trust her. I was wrong. The principal also knew that Saeyoon wrote the nasty letter that was posted on the school’s website. How did he know that? Because I trusted Min Kyung and she ran and told them. So that’s why she’s scum (among other reasons).

Yoon Soo said the principal only wants to have peace with me and that would be fine with me. But Yoon Soo also said that peace for the principal means I shut up and just do as I’m told. Yoon Soo thinks I should just say yes to everything and then detour around it. I can do that for work things, but the big problems I’ve had, have been related to my personal life. If it wasn’t for Leah’s wedding and my father’s death the situation wouldn’t be so bad. I can’t detour around things like that. And I know that even if I made peace now, there would be another problem in February when I go to Jared’s Bar Mitzvah.

This is no fun for me. I don’t enjoy fighting as much as I used to. If my job was more peaceful my life here wouldn’t be so bad. I have friends both Korean and Western. I see new things all the time. I have kids who are nice to me (outside of class). I have a girlfriend who I care a great deal about. It’s good.

I’m beating the drums for a new job. I can’t work at a public school in the province I’m in. I think I’ve been blackballed. So, the agency is looking at another province not too far away, and I’m open to working anywhere that has daytime hours. I think I can do elementary kids if I get them during the day and not after school. It is what I came here to do. I need a job to fit into my life since I have somewhat of a life.

Yesterday, Sunday, was a very lonely day. We had our first rain in months and it was the first cool day since last winter. It was the kind of day where you want to snuggle up to someone. When those thoughts come in my head it makes me very sad and lonely. There’s someone I care about who I would love to do those things with, but she lives where she lives and I live where I live. I’ve never “dated” anyone who I lived so far from. While it’s not serious, it’s not an issue. If the relationship is serious, it’s an issue. I’m just so much more aware of being lonely when we’re not together.

Saturday was nice. Saeyoon came over for the first time in 6 weeks. The “stalker” who is going to kill me is not at the forefront of her mind anymore and it was great to just be alone and relaxed for a few hours. I served her bagel, cream cheese, and smoked salmon for lunch and she loved it as I knew she would. I loaded her up with treats to take home. I gave her pistachio nuts, chocolate covered pretzels, a huge jar of Jelly Bellies, a bottle of Snapple, and some other stuff. It’s so neat to see her enjoy these new things.

We did a lot of serious talking about potential issues in the future. It was good to just sit at the table and talk. She had a choir practice (she plays the organ) at 5 so I drove her to church and went to have a coffee and wait. After that her father called her and we went and had dinner with her father and some friends of his. I hadn’t met him before so it was kind of weird. I was just some foreigner she knows. She has issues with her father going back to childhood and it’s terrible. I was so lucky to have such good parents that I can’t understand why anyone would choose to be a bad parent. It breaks my heart to see how much pain she still carries around.

We ate at some sushi place so I had some sushi and grilled fish. Most restaurants don’t have diet coke so without saying anything Saeyoon went out and got me a diet coke. She can be so thoughtful. She does have a temper (as I’ve mentioned). Someone at dinner said something she didn’t like so she raised her voice, stood up, put on her jacket, and said to me that we were going. I just sat there hoping she’d calm down which she did. It’s strange to see this person you see as a good and kind-hearted person just lose it so suddenly. It doesn’t harm me, but it harms her. Hopefully she will be able to control it better as time goes by.

It was nice to have a full day together. We don’t have enough of them and with winter coming it won’t be so easy to hang out at outdoor places. I don’t know what we’ll do but we’ll have to come up with something.

I’m waiting on a few callbacks about jobs. I think because I got my first 2 jobs so easily I expect it take a day to get a new one. This time it’s taking a little longer. I’m not very patient at the moment because I really want out. But I will miss the apartment.

IT’S HARD TO TRUST ANYONE HERE

I have seemed to run into a group of people without honor. First I have this school where the principal is a liar and a man without honor. I have now decided that the supervisor at the Provincial Education Office is also another man without honor. Is this the Korean way? Yoon-Soo tells me that Koreans lie. They don’t consider it lying but Westerner’s do. A lie is a lie. I don’t know how you can see it as anything else.

Yesterday morning I get an email from Wenice telling me about a possible job in a city called Yangpyeong. I call her and try and ask a couple of questions such as would I be a co-teacher or on my own. Her reply was I shouldn’t ask questions and just be grateful that they mentioned this school. She told me she had no intention of getting any information about the school for me. Strange. I asked if it was possible to meet the school first as this would give them the opportunity to meet me before deciding if they want me, and I could meet them and ask my own questions. She said she’d get back to me.

Not wanting to wait on this I continue perusing the job boards looking for potential jobs. I find a middle school job in Ilsan which is close to Paju and a very nice city. Great, I think. I call the agency which is the same agency that placed me in this hellhole. I speak to the agency owner and he’s heard about me. I tell him that the Ilsan job sounds great and he tells me he will call Mr. Kim (at the Provincial Office) and discuss it with him. He will then call me back.

I still hadn’t heard from him a few hours later so I called him. He was on the phone and I left a message. No reply. I still hadn’t heard back from Wenice. Yes, I admit I’m anxious. I want out. I call the agency guy again but he’s not there and I leave another message. He actually did call me back at 6:30 last night. He told me that Mr. Kim said I couldn’t go to Ilsan so he can’t place me there. He tells me that there are a lot of jobs in another province that I might be interested in. I tell him no, because I need to be a reasonable distance from Seoul. I get off the phone quite puzzled as I was under the impression that the Province wanted to help me. I find a job in one of their schools and I assumed that they’d be pleased.

I called Mr. Kim and I say, “Hello Mr. Kim. This is Martin King. I hope I’m not bothering you”. His reply was, “you are bothering me”. This was going to be fun. He starts off by saying he wants to give me some advice. His advice was that when I’m in Korea I shouldn’t ask questions and I should just do what people tell me to do. Of course I want to tell him to go fuck himself because he’s an ignorant moron, but I don’t. I tell him that I’m learning and thank him for his advice. I can play the game when I need to.

I asked him what happened with Ilsan and what he told me was that he didn’t say no but that the agency wanted more money to place me than he was willing to pay. That’s just great I think. Then I ask about the Yangpyeong job. He tells me that the agency said no to placing me there as the Province and the agency are having some sort of squabble. So, I’m in the middle confused as hell. Why can’t the Province just hire me and put me in the school? I don’t ask this question because the obvious simple questions might be too difficult for him to handle. He basically tells me that there is nothing he can do, which is much different than what I was told the day before.

I tell him again that my situation is intolerable and could he please do something for me. He says he will try to work something out and get back to me. Do I think this will happen? No. It might, but I’m not counting on it. I’ve had people tell me to not trust any Korean and I’m starting to believe it. Their school system sucks and they are quite happy to let it suck. A lot of the principals are incompetent, the class sizes are too big, the teacher’s hit kids, and so on. All the schools aren’t terrible, but it seems no one cares about fixing the ones that are.

I’m ready to fold my tent and leave. Who needs this crap? I don’t. This was supposed to be interesting and fun. Now when I’m calm I realize that with patience that all will work out. It usually does. I don’t want to put this on Saeyoon’s head, but if it wasn’t for her, I’d pack it in. There are other places to see and try. I think my personality requires a certain environment to thrive in. I’m not afraid of the work, and I’m not afraid of advice and learning. I just don’t want to be dictated to and told stupid things without reason. I am not some piece of dog crap under their shoes. I know that there are good places here and I can keep trying until I find one or I can leave. Obviously I feel my personal relationship warrants me trying to tough this out and make the effort.

I keep sending out resumes without much luck. I did get 2 job offers yesterday. One was teaching adults but it was a split shift. You work from 8 to 11 in the morning, and 7 to 11 at night. That’s not for me. The other was in Mongolia. That sounds more than fascinating and I’m sorely tempted. It just sounds so exotic and different. The money is lousy. Broadband Internet is unaffordable. Fruit and vegetables are probably expensive. But how many people do you know who have worked in Mongolia? Exactly. I want to be the first one on my block to do so. But once again I can’t leave just yet.

The boy I’m helping with his speech brought me lunch again yesterday. I had already eaten and I told him that he doesn’t have to bring me lunch. I appreciate the gesture though. I think it’s most kind.

The 2 kids I’m helping for their foreign high school entrance exam asked me yesterday what I liked. I said money. We all laughed and I asked them why they were asking. (I knew why). They said they wanted to get me a gift. I told them that they didn’t need to, and if they did well on their test that would be a great gift. They insisted and to be polite I had to think of something. I said to get me something Korean. They said like a souvenir and I said yes. I complain about the terrible manners that the kids have, but there are some that are just so well behaved and good people. I hope by some miracle they get in because of who they are. They will work hard and I believe they can succeed given the chance.

I found out the boy goes to academy to learn different subjects after school. The academy hours are 5PM to 2AM. The girl goes to an academy from 6PM to 1AM. This is one fucking crazy place. The boy sleeps from 3AM to 7AM. He spends 5 minutes rushing down his dinner. His Sunday academy hours are 10AM to midnight. I can’t believe this is either right, or healthy. I would NEVER bring my children up in Korea. I know why many Koreans want to leave before their kids start school. It’s crazy. And because Mrs. Kim sends her kid to academy, Mrs. Lee has to send her kid to academy. It’s the competition. It’s just so nuts to me.

As I walked into school today past a bunch of kids, no one said anything to me. I’m finally just another teacher to the kids. Rarely do I hear, “you’re beautiful”, or “I love you” anymore. In a way I miss it, but in another way I’m glad. It means I don’t have to be “on” all the time. I know the kids like me (the boy I help with his speech told me), but they don’t like the subject I teach.

I really do want out of this school. I know if I’m patient something should turn up.

AH, THE EXCITEMENT OF LIFE

Yesterday I ventured to Suwon to the Provincial Office of Education to meet the English Supervisor for high schools and middle schools. Or that’s what I thought. I met with his assistant and met the great man for five minutes. The assistant is the liaison between the foreign teachers and the school board. I have no idea if anyone has ever complained enough and followed up to actually go there and meet them. I get the feeling that I’m the first.

The assistant (Wenice) likes to tell me constantly how much she’s helping me. I love to hear that because I’m stupid and don’t realize she’s helping me. She wanted me to convince her that I was serious about teaching and staying in Korea so she would help me. So after going through my reasons that this school and I aren’t hitting it off, stating clearly that it was my father’s funeral and being given a letter of warning that contained my absence for that, that I felt the situation here was doomed. I told her that I thought it would be best for both the school and I if we parted ways.

I told her that ideally I’d prefer a high school but I was open to a middle school. My only stipulation was that it be within striking distance of Seoul. She told me she would see what she could do and get back to me in the next couple of days.

I left school early to go to see her. I claimed sickness and didn’t feel bad since I had no classes. There was only the head teacher and the vice principal here. I left at 11:30 and stopped at Saeyoon’s office to say hello and apologize in person for something dumb I did. Most people do dumb things from time to time. I say stupid things I don’t mean when I feel hurt. It’s immature and I need to stop doing that. She was very offended by what I said and she totally lost it at one point. She was screaming at me at the top of her lungs on the phone. She was a public bus and on a street when she was doing this. It’s way overboard. I get a picture of Linda Blair from the Exorcist in my head when she does this. I asked her last night if her eyes roll up into her head and her head swivels on her neck when she loses it and she told me no. I told her it doesn’t hurt me when she gets like that because it’s just so stupid, but I worry for her. Sometimes I can talk her down but other times I can’t. It hurts to see someone you care for behave in such a way that all they’re doing is hurting themselves.

I visited for a short bit to apologize. She had classes to teach and listening to young kids play the recorder is an exercise in torture. I asked her if I could visit after class and she forgave me enough to say yes. I went to Suwon by subway instead of car this time (smart me) and returned about 5:45PM. We talked and all is good. It’s kind of cool how the relationship is growing. Besides all the touchy-feely pitter patter of the heart, we are becoming better friends all the time. Talking on the phone isn’t easy. I don’t think she’s comfortable with it and I’m not much of a phone talker. (Except when talking to Laura). With the language differences in person is the best. I understand Konglish best in person. And my speaking ability in Konglish gets better all the time.

We similar in some ways like how we fear the future. We have different reasons for our fear, but there is a sameness about it. I have fear of failure because I have a failed marriage in my past. She has fear of the unknown because this is all uncharted territory for her. I’m glad when we can talk about these things.

I have also come to the realization that she’s as close as I have to family over here. That’s a scary thought. I don’t mean that because she’s not a good person (she is), but she’s not family at the moment. My family is half a world away and I miss them something awful at times. I know though that if I was in North America, I’d only want to leave and try something new. I should have been a dentist and saved money so I could flit back and forth between two worlds.

I got an email from Wenice telling me that they’ve found a potential school for me. It looks like it’s in a nice town and when I started to ask questions she got all offended and told me that if she was me, she’d jump all over this without question. Sounds silly to me. She said she wouldn’t ask questions about the school for me so I suggested that perhaps they’d want to meet me first and I could meet them. Sort of like a job interview. That way I can get a feel for the place and they could get a feel for me. I really think it would be to both our advantages since you can’t usually do this. But I’m here in Korea so why not take advantage of that. She said she’d get back to me but this will be the only school they mention to me. I know they’re not a placement agency, but they should be interested in making matches between teachers and schools. The one thing I didn’t mention to her and a reason I want to talk to the school is I don’t want a one-room apartment. I want 1 separate bedroom at least. I know I won’t get a 3 bedroom again, but I can’t go back to a single room. It’s like a prison.

I have an “open class” next Friday. Min Kyung is driving me crazy with the lesson plan. I did one and she wants changes. I did another and she wants changes. I am staying calm but a few more of these and I’ll be telling her to do it herself. I’m not stressing about all these people coming and watching. I know some people do a dog and pony show to impress everyone. This will just be a normal class but to keep Min Kyung happy, we will do the class one time for preparation before doing it as the open class. That’s cheating, but it’s the Korean way.

I send out resumes for jobs but I’m not getting any responses. I think it’s because I’m still under contract. I tell potential employers that I’ve been promised a release by the office of education but I think they’re doubtful. After all, why wouldn’t they want to save plane fare and take someone who’s already here?

I just called the agency that placed me here to see if they knew of anything available. It seems that this school has already contacted them about finding another foreign teacher. It’s amazing what you can learn by accident. The agency told me they have an opening in Ilsan which is close to here and a very nice city. The agency will call the Office of Education to see if it’s okay to place me there. If the people I met yesterday were being straight with me, it should be no problem. Will this new development affect my attitude? Probably. I just don’t want it to affect my attitude towards the kids.

I should start getting used to saying goodbye to my apartment. Damn, but it was a good one.

My mother called me the other night. It’s the 2nd time ever she has phoned me. The other time was for my birthday. Boy, was I surprised. She asked me when I was coming back to North America and giving up my 2nd childhood. I can’t explain why living half way around the world is not a childhood. She also said I should stop running away from things. But what if I’m running towards things. She worries about me and that’s what parents do. But it’s so difficult to explain the little bit I do understand about my need to venture out and try new things.

Some days I feel that I’m on the verge of something good. A feeling that something wonderful will break my way any second. I will have a breakthrough of insight and all will fall into place. Why not? Stranger things have happened.

WHAT IS AN ADVENTURE?

I looked up adventure in the dictionary. I was wondering if what I’m having is indeed an adventure or some sort of exercise in self-punishment. Here is the meaning of adventure:
1. an exciting or unusual experience
2. participation in exciting undertakings or enterprises
3. a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome
4. a commercial of financial speculation of any kind; venture
5. Obsolete.
a. Peril, danger, risk
b. Chance, fortune, luck
6. to risk or hazard
7. to take the chance of; dare
8. to venture or say or utter; to adventure an opinion
9. to take the risk involved
10. to venture, hazard

Which of these definitions fit me I was wondering? Do any fit me? Am I having an adventure?

Yes, this is an unusual experience. Is it exciting? I’m not sure. Is it a bold and risky undertaking? Not really. Is it hazardous with an uncertain outcome? Yes, where mental health is concerned. No, it’s not of a commercial nature. Is there peril or danger or risk? Mental health again. Is there chance, fortune or luck involved? I suppose then everything is an adventure. Is it taking a chance? Maybe, but a chance for what? Self-enlightenment I hope. There are no opinions involved here. Is there risk? I hear North Korea is igniting nuclear bombs so that might be a risk. And are there potential hazards ahead? Once more, mental health.

I guess I’m trying to say it’s not the adventure I thought it would be. It’s different and at times interesting. I’m learning new things. However, it’s just life. I get annoyed, I get frustrated, I get unhappy, I get uptight. That’s day to day living. I find pleasure, I find contentment, I find interesting things. That’s day to day living. What I can’t seem to find is the big why of being here. Some days it doesn’t even enter my head and other days I just shake my head and say why.

Today is a China day. A China day is a day where my inner being says to fold my tent and move on to something new. It’s where my inner being says that nothing good is going to come of this on a permanent basis and why stick around for an unhappy ending. A China day says there is a whole big world out there to learn something about. Every day is not a China day. Most days aren’t China days, but there are enough of them to be aware of them. I know I wrote yesterday that I’m getting somewhere but what that somewhere is, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the escape to China.

Now what of the personal relationship I find myself in. There are many positives in that but I guess I’m lacking in trust that it can be a lasting thing. Maybe my lack of trust is just fear, but I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a realistic look at things. Some days it seems so wonderful, while other days every little thing annoys me. There can be a failure of meeting of the minds. I’m not saying she’s wrong because I’m not her. I feel like I’m bending and trying to be understanding but sometimes it’s very difficult and I wonder if I should bother.

I’ve always been a person who magically wants things done for them. I don’t want to ask. Maybe it works like that in some relationships, but it doesn’t happen much with me. I accept that it might be my fault, but even though, it’s still what I want. If I didn’t feel that I try and give even when it’s not something I think is right, it wouldn’t matter what the other person did. I really believe I try and sometimes I feel my trying is all for naught.

I will tell you that every day something is coming closer. What it is, I don’t know. Decision day perhaps? Maybe. A firm decision would be a welcome change in my life right now.

I went to Suwon to meet the Supervisor yesterday. After 2 hours on the road I gave up. I called and offered my apologies and we reschedule until Wednesday. I will do the long subway ride then. It will be much cheaper. By the time I got home I’d been sitting in the car for over 4 hours. I ate and went to sleep. Smart move on my part.

I’m going back on Wednesday. Only the head teacher and I will be here. It’s the school picnic and naturally I wasn’t invited. I didn’t expect to be and the pigs in charge didn’t disappoint me. So I will take of early and hopefully get there on time.

Neither of my morning classes showed up this morning. Do I know why? No. Do I care? No. To the best attitude but reality.

It’s time to go to the fridge and see what the student brought me to eat yesterday. I hope it’s edible. I’ll have to hide it and pretend I ate it if I don’t like it.

I want an adventure with a happy ending. But then again, who doesn’t.

ALL STUDENTS ARE NOT THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL

Just most of them. But talking about the special ones, this boy comes into my classroom at 12:45 today. Lunch is 12:30 to 1:15. He has brought lunch for me. He told me he made a sandwich (or his mother did) and brought fruit. Why was he being so nice? Two reasons. One is that he’s a good person. There are good people here and if he continues along the path he seems to be on (he’s about 13) he is going to make a fine man. He is also the boy who spent last year studying in Toronto. He has asked me to help him with a speech he’s doing in a speech contest. He wanted me to correct his grammar and pronunciation and listen to him say it. I told him that it was no problem. So the lunch was my payment as everyone knows I don’t eat Korean food in the school cafeteria. He is just so kind. I had already eaten so I told him to put it in the fridge in the teacher’s room and I’d eat it tomorrow. I’m serious when I say that a thank you is payment enough if I actually get a chance to help someone.

My class before lunch can define bad manners. Talk, talk, talk. I wasn’t going to compete with them so I stayed quiet. I then gave homework where they have to write one page (in English) on why it’s a good idea to talk in class. Or they can write on why it’s a bad idea to talk in class. It’s their choice but if they don’t have a paper done, they don’t get back in class. I’m sure more than half of them didn’t understand so the boy who was in Australia for 3 years said he would write it in their home room on the board in Korean.

During the class I made one girl (who is useless and always talks) get up in front of the class. I then told the class that this girl knows no English, and the reason is that she always talks in class. Korean kids hate to be singled out. I then thanked her for her time and told her to sit down. I don’t get mad, I get even. This is war and I lose if I get angry so I don’t get angry.

I have someone named “Ratzafratz” leaving comments on my blog. All comments are welcome. No one has to agree with anything I say, and no one has to support how I feel. I don’t know who this person is, or if I even know them. Who knows? I seem to have offended him or her in some way with my behavior. I think my point is that I don’t have any answers and I’m trying to figure things out. Sometimes I don’t go about it in the right way but as some people say, “life is a journey”.

His comment from the previous post was:
______________________________________________________________________
"I got an email from Elana and she’s having a problem recognizing and relating to me. This is serious business. I’ve never made any secret that the two most important things to me are Elana and Leah and it pains me that she is having a problem understanding me and relating to me."

The problem is yours, not Elana's. The parent-child relationship has been reversed. You have been acting very immature with your narcissist dramatics as you enter your third childhood. Respect has been lost.

On a side note, you are probably the only one who finds it endearing that your girlfriend eats her food like a toddler.
_____________________________________________________________________________

I want to reply. The problem, in case I didn’t explain myself properly, is not just Elana’s, but it’s ours. Hers and mine. Saying the parent-child relationship has been reversed is absurd as she is not playing a “parent” role in any way, nor should she. As for me being immature, that is quite possible. Although who of us is qualified to sit in judgment on others? I used to judge everyone and I was a fool. Sometimes people need to figure things out for themselves and it can be a long and arduous journey.

I don’t think the definition of “narcissism” fits me. I don’t love myself, I’m not vain, and I’m not even fascinated by myself. I do find that at times my life is interesting and I enjoy that. I enjoy doing things that are atypical of people my age. I like to sit on the floor in bus stations if all the seats are taken. It’s not a typical thing for 50 year old men to do. Does that make me narcissistic? I don’t think so.

A third childhood? Maybe. However, maybe it’s just the second or the fourth. I don’t know where 3rd comes from. And, since I am an adult, maybe even an immature adult, why can’t I have as many childhoods as I want? Once again who gets to be the judge?

As for respect being lost, that was lost over a previous incident and it doesn’t have to do with Korea. At least that’s what I think. And I don’t believe that moving half way around the world to try something new is a cause for someone to lose respect. (You are quite narrow minded and dare I say it, narcissistic yourself).

As for Saeyoon’s eating habits I’ve never been one who was overly impressed by table manners. People are free to eat however they wish to eat. Some people would be disgusted by some of the things she does. I happen to find some of them cute. It’s just the way different people see the same thing. (I used to stick French fries up my nose in an effort to get a cheap laugh, and it sometimes worked.)

Live and let live. That’s a good rule and not one I’ve always followed but I’m trying.

I had dinner with Yoon-Soo on Friday night. He was his usual late self. This time he was 30 minutes late. I think if Koreans show up 1 hour or less past the scheduled time, it’s okay. We ate, we chatted, we adjourned to Starbucks for coffee and more chat. Once again I repeat, I do enjoy his company. He’s working a lot of hours because he’s in charge of this new computer system coming into the school. He has to demo it for all the principals in the city and head teachers at the end of the month. He works about 15 hours a day or more. He’s crazy. He complains no one helps him but it’s his own fault. He never should have volunteered. When he was asked, he should have said “no”. He says he has a problem saying no, so I told him to spend 1 hour each day in front of a mirror and just say no.

Saturday Saeyoon and I went to the air show at an air force base in Seoul. There were a lot of people who came to see (mostly Koreans) but it was like being in little America. The highlight for me was I got to make a pig of myself like I haven’t done in years. They had a food area so I had within 15 minutes a chili dog, a hamburger, a bratwurst, a cheeseburger, and corn on the cob. It was like the good old days of fair going and eating until I wanted to explode. I thought that was all in my past, but I enjoyed it.

What I didn’t enjoy was the air show. When they got to the part of dropping simulated bombs (a lot of black smoke) I went for a walk by myself and wouldn’t look towards that area. I sang anti-war songs to myself. It was very upsetting. I’m a pacifist and I understand sometimes war is necessary, but it being part of a “show” was offensive to me. Call me a commie and a pinko if you want because I don’t care. I ain’t marching anymore!

Showing how well organized the event was, they wouldn’t let me in with my backpack. They weren’t letting any backpacks in for security reasons. Then a soldier told me to hang on because he was in communication with his colonel and maybe they were going to change the rule since most people come with big bags. Another soldier told me it was the Korean army that made the rule and the Americans were just following. Then a Korean soldier tells me that I can go in and an American soldier stops me and says “no backpacks”. I say the Korean soldier let me in and he says he doesn’t care, the American brass says, “no backpacks”. I’m ready to go home. Then the Americans decide to let backpacks in. Crazy, but that’s the army and government for you.

Yesterday, Robert, Yoon Soo, and I went to Costco. I was disappointed. They had some different things to get which was nice, but the prices weren’t that great. I spent a lot of money but didn’t walk out with a lot of things. I have enjoyed 2 pepper salami sandwiches on rye bread so far, and chocolate pretzels are much better than I thought they would be. It was an interesting experience but not one that I have to repeat.

I was gone from my home for about 7 hours and more than half that time was spent in the car. Driving in Korea is such a treat, especially in Seoul. I know Saturdays are hell but I thought Sunday wouldn’t be too bad. It was better than a Saturday but still not too good.

Saeyoon went with family to visit her grandmother’s grave in the south of Korea. She spent over 12 hours in the car for that journey so I shouldn’t really complain. If I lived in Seoul my car would rarely be used. Subway is so much better.

I have my meeting with the English Supervisor later today. I hope traffic isn’t bad and I can get there on time. Yoon Soo says to not have much faith in anything being done for me, and I don’t. So why bother? Why not? It’s something to do and besides you never know, sometimes you do get nice surprises.

It’s still in the 70’s every day which is unusually warm for this time of year in Korea. I can’t believe it’s the middle of October. I’ll be booking a plane ticket for Toronto before you know it. I know I have some serious decisions to make and I’m not exactly putting them off but more like waiting a bit. But they’ll be happening soon. If they don’t happen soon then I’m just procrastinating and I don’t want to do that.

Life is sometimes very interesting. It can be confusing as hell and I can feel very lost and confused but I think deep down I actually feel like I’m slowly moving towards something. I can’t exactly say what that something is, but I’m getting there.

WHO SAID LIFE WAS EASY?

Did someone ever say that? Maybe their life was. As for mine, it’s convoluted. Sometimes I think my head will explode from everything running around in it. There’s always one more thing to worry about.

I got an email from Elana and she’s having a problem recognizing and relating to me. This is serious business. I’ve never made any secret that the two most important things to me are Elana and Leah and it pains me that she is having a problem understanding me and relating to me. If I had a million dollars, I’d fly back to Toronto so we could talk. But I don’t so handling this through email and perhaps phone is difficult. As a father your gut reaction is to just take your baby in your arms (and they are always your baby) and hug them and console them and tell them everything will be alright.

Whatever I do with my life doesn’t alter the fact that my kids come first. If they needed me, I’d be there. I think in some ways she’s having problems coming to terms with me as a person. But more than a person, I’m her father and that person has never changed. It’s not easy for her and I bleed for her. How to fix it? I wish there was a magic pill that could make everything better.

It’s another small irony in life. I’m in Korea and my biggest problem to work out is in Oakville. It’s the major downside of being half way around the world.

I don’t envy her having this problem coming to grips with me. I don’t envy me having to suffer because she suffers. There’s a feeling of impotence involved but I’m confident (I think) that this can be worked out. Elana has always been an intelligent person and I do have my moments of clarity and understanding.

Sometimes what you see on the blog are the feelings of the moment. They come, they go. Much is in a state of flux. I don’t think I’d be here if I was more unhappy than happy. There are good things involved but sometimes it’s easier to write about the not so good things. And there are the real issues that I have to come to terms with and figure out what I really want.

I went to concert last night with Saeyoon. It was another classical blast. It was a bass player accompanied by a piano. (The bass is that honking big fiddle). The bass player was American I believe, and a nice Jewish boy at that. Yes, in Korea listening to Jews perform classical music. He did one number that was an adaptation of a Jewish prayer. It was quite beautiful. Then in his last number he did a mini-Jimi Hendrix impersonation. He played the bass behind his back. It reminded me of when Hendrix would play his guitar behind his back. I was awake the whole concert so I guess it was a success.

After the concert it was the usual trip to Subway and then Starbucks. I do love Subway. I believe I’ve mentioned that. But as an added bonus there is entertainment provided. Saeyoon gets a sandwich and eats what’s in it without eating the bread. Once the inside is gone, she picks the white bread away from the crust and eats that. Then she eats the crust of the sandwich. It’s quite fascinating to see. She does enjoy her food.

She said something quite sweet to me last night. She said that whenever we are out on a date she feels like the luckiest girl in the world. It’s a nice thing to hear.

I have an appointment at the Provincial Office of Education on Monday. I’m meeting the Supervisor for the province to discuss my situation. I’m hoping I can get a transfer to another school. If this can happen I don’t have to start my year again and still get out of here. For him to meet me, on a confidential basis, is quite unusual. Maybe they care. Maybe they’re worried about the foreign teacher’s complaining. Who knows but we’ll see.

Yesterday was quite depressing at school. I was asked to help 2 3rd year middle school students who are applying to the foreign language high school. They’re nice kids and I’d love to see them do well on their exams and get in. I don’t think it’s going to happen and that’s sad. They obviously haven’t had the proper teaching to allow them the opportunity to excel. They’re good for this school but I don’t know how they’d stack up against students from other schools. They told me they didn’t think they were very good, but I didn’t have the heart to be honest and tell them they’re right. I just said I don’t know how other students are so they might be fine. But it’s depressing when you see students who want to excel but because of poor schooling can’t do it.

Tonight Yoon Soo and I will do dinner and catch up. It’s always good to spend time with him and I’m counting on him for directions to the office of education (it’s in another city) and directions to Costco where I will venture with Robert on Sunday. Saeyoon has asked me for various candies if I see them. I turned her on to licorice twizzlers a couple of weeks ago and she loved them. She’s also developed a fondness for Bubblicious gum.

Saturday Saeyoon and I will go to an air show with Dini and James (who we visited the army base with). I don’t know if I’ve ever been to an air show but I suppose it’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. But it’s a day out and we are having wonderful autumn weather. Since it’s on an air force base I’m hoping for American fast food for lunch.

I may be forced to start learning Korean. I have too much free time here at school so I can attempt to teach myself. It may be boring but it might not hurt. However, I’m not ready to officially announce the beginning of my studies. I need to ease into it. After all, I’ve only been here a little over 8 months.

A HOLDING PATTERN

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. I’m just waiting for something to break one way or another. I don’t like being like this. What am I doing? Waiting for a miracle? I feel that I have to sit back, relax and just wait and see. That’s so hard to do. Sometimes I lack patience. And you never know if you’re doing the right thing until you’re done and you see the results.

I sometimes feel like Mary in Jesus Christ Superstar. “I never thought I’d come to this, what’s it all about”? I have my doubts whether I’m doing the right thing by just waiting to see what happens. Sometimes I think I’m going to get burned and I have to remind myself that if I do, it’s not the end of the world. I have to remind myself to trust even when I have doubts about whether my trust is misplaced. Sometimes in life you wonder if things are as we see them, or as we want to see them.

It’s difficult to not be in control. I don’t have to control everything, and I don’t want to control everything. But it’s also difficult to wait for others to be in the same place and mindset as you are. There has to be a time limit and I have no idea how long that should be. I know it should be longer than I would like because I want to know things now.

It seems that my mind is mostly on one thing. In many ways it’s like being a teenager again, and who in their right mind wants to be a teenager again? Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I feel like I’ve had these feelings of anxiousness before. It’s kind of strange to be 50 and have the feelings of a 17 year old.

I don’t want to drive myself crazy, which I am quite capable of doing. I’m so on edge that I feel I could shatter at any moment. I can feel my nerve endings. Why am I putting myself through this? Is this how it’s supposed to be during this stage of a relationship? Sometimes I just want to pick up and run away from it all. But would that do me any good, and is this just how things work out. I don’t know as this is all so new to me as an adult.

What do I lose by being patient? If I can keep my nerves together, then I really don’t lose anything. If I leave Korea I don’t think it would be to go back to North America yet. There are so many places to experience in the world. I really don’t have to leave tomorrow to go to them. I can wait. I keep telling myself I can wait. Some people like to jump out of airplanes for excitement. I just like to screw around with my life for excitement. Part of me wants some stability. I think I’m ready for it. I don’t know if I was before even though I had stability. It’s all so confusing to sort out.

I’m lonely. I’m insecure. I’m on edge. I don’t like being like this. I don’t know what to do. It’s either wait for a couple of months and see, or just take off. A couple of months is not a long time, but it is forever when you feel as I do.

WHAT IS LIFE?

I don’t know but wasn’t that a George Harrison song? And isn’t he dead? It makes you stop and think, doesn’t it?

Being an English teacher in Korea at a public school is boring. I am in the classroom for 90 minutes a day plus 40 minutes for my morning broadcast. That leaves five hours and fifty minutes of time to kill. That’s a lot of time. I mean, how much porn can someone look at on the Internet? (That was a joke). What’s really fun are the days when I am done at 12:30 and I have to sit here until 4:00. It’s a battle to stay awake. I bring books to read and I keep hoping to discover something new on the Internet but the time just drags.

And what do I do when I get back to my apartment after these exciting work days? If I’m not going out to see Saeyoon or meeting Yoon Soo then I take a shower, look for emails that I won’t have, look on the Internet for something new, and then prepare dinner. I cook and I eat and I wash up. There goes 20 minutes. Then it’s back to the computer to waste time. Sometimes I read before bed at night. Sometimes I watch a movie. What a boring existence.

I know I was going to find an activity to do at night but I never did it. And my excuse now is that I don’t know if I’m staying in Paju so why sign up for anything. I had an email from a good friend yesterday (thanks again Laura) and she suggested I tough it out here at the school until February when I go to Toronto for Jerod’s Bar-Mitzvah. She says by then I should know how things will work out with my “maybe girlfriend” and if I want to change jobs I can have a fresh start upon my return. It’s nice to have friends who take the time to make realistic suggestions.

She’s right except for my one fear and that is getting fired. If they terminate me it will be very difficult to get another job. Actually getting a job will be easy but a new visa might be a problem. I won’t grovel before these jerks at the school here, but I would like to know that I’m safe until February. I’m thinking of actually doing dinner with the principal and Yoon Soo. Maybe we can talk informally and he can take the time to get to know a little bit about me. Maybe I can get a comfort level for the next few months. Of course, I’m asking a lot of a small minded idiot like the principal but I think I can do this. I hate to impose on Yoon Soo but if I promise not to insult the principal then he should be okay with it. I’ll think about it and get his thoughts on it.

I phoned Saeyoon last night at her home. Usually I call her cell phone and then if we’re going to talk I’ll call on the land line knowing she will answer. Her cell phone was off and she had called me earlier and was supposed to call back but never did. I wanted to know what was happening so I decided to risk having her mother answer. I looked in my phrase book on how to ask if someone is home when phoning. I was prepared. Her mother answered and I said what I thought was “Is Saeyoon at home?” Her mother said something that indicated to me that she didn’t have a clue what I was saying. So I asked again and again I obviously wasn’t making sense. Then I just said, “Saeyoon?” and she went to get her daughter. Saeyoon comes on the phone and tells me that her mother knew it was a foreigner calling. I wonder how her mother figured that out?

There are no holidays here until Christmas day and that’s just one day. This is a long stretch coming up without a holiday. I wonder when the last school day of the year is. I wonder if they’ll want me to do a camp again. I really don’t want to do a camp again. If I could be guaranteed good kids it would be fun. But I’ll get the dregs I’m sure and I’m not up to it.

If I had stuck it out in Gwangyang then there would be less than 4 months until my contract was over. What a strange thought. I wonder how Kelly is. (That was a joke). I think I’d be crazier if I’d stayed than I am now. It’s like I’ve lived in 2 different countries that have no relation to each other except I didn’t speak the language in either one of them. I’ve been here more than 8 months. That’s longer than I lived in Austin.

There’s always something to think about. There’s always something to wonder about. What I feel, I can’t say.

KNOW WHEN TO HOLD AND WHEN TO FOLD

I’ll hold. Can I say with the utmost confidence that it’s the right thing to do? No, I can’t. It’s a hunch. It’s a feeling. It’s a hope. It’s a dream. It’s emotion. It’s a bunch of things. You never really know if you did the right thing until after it’s done and you see the results. But this isn’t an intellectual exercise, but more of an emotional one. Sometimes love is not enough. I know that. And sometimes a horse with stripes is really a zebra. And sometimes you eventually run out of clichés.

Saeyoon and I had a good talk yesterday. It was calm. It was reasonable even when we don’t exactly see eye to eye. We reached a compromise on certain positions. I believe I can live with it for now, and it makes her happy. She can live with it. Accepting this compromise means that we stay together and I’m putting trust in what she tells me. I never really gave a lot of thought before about how much a person needs to trust someone. You want people in your life who you trust and can depend on. I know that if you trust, you can get burned. But if you don’t trust, you don’t get anything. So I choose to trust.

This means I stay in Korea. This means that I see where it all goes. I may moan from time to time, I may have doubts, I may complain, but the fact of the matter is that I just care too damn much to pack it in. It’s really weird. I can harden my heart but when I see her I just melt. Something reaches into the depths of me and fills me with a warmth. I love that feeling. I cannot deny that she makes me smile both inside and outside. I can get annoyed and frustrated but the feeling of warmth and happiness makes it worth seeing this through for me. (I reserve the right to change my mind at any second.)

We do have our little disagreements and tiffs, but we resolve them. That’s a good sign. I think to a certain extent we bring out something in each other that’s good and makes us be better people. I know I’m learning (and it isn’t easy) acceptance without understanding. I used to think I had to understand everything in order to accept it and be content with it. I’ve changed. I’m not saying I can accept anything, but I can accept something that’s important to someone even if it’s beyond my comprehension.

When I step back and look at it, it’s just so strange. Who would have thunk it? Certainly not me.

I’m back in school after 6 days of basically doing nothing. They were a pretty horrible six days. I’ve grown attached to Dunkin Donuts coffee and that’s the best of the six days. I did watch “One Eyed Jacks”, a 1961 western directed by and starring Marlon Brando. I loved it. He was so talented.

I watched the movie version of “Rent”. I’m sure the play was better because I hated the movie. I hated the story. I hated the songs. I thought it was idiotic and lame. I love musicals but this was among the worst of all time.

I watched the 1940 classic, “The Letter”, with Bette Davis. I must say that Bette Davis sure has Bette Davis eyes. It was fabulous. She’s great. It was based on a Somerset Maughm story and it was first-rate melodrama. I recommend this for all viewers.

They are going to be mad at me again on Wednesday here at school. I have a doctor’s appointment and they’re not thrilled when I do. Too bad. I go once a month for a blood test that I should go for once a month. I do admit I’d rather have a needle stuck in my arm then be here at this school. I believe I will venture in Seoul afterwards for dinner with Saeyoon. Since we ate at Burger King last night (mmmn) I guess I have to let her choose on Wednesday. It’s fair.

Thursday night we’re going to a concert. She’s quite excited about it. I think it’s Double Bass, whatever that is. Having a relationship with a classical music lover who doesn’t eat meat and prefers Korean food is crazy stuff.

I hope I find a decent job soon. I really want out of here, but I will miss my apartment. I think I’m going to try and get a job closer to Seoul. I’m even willing to live in Seoul. Oh well. As they say, what doesn’t kill me only makes me crazier.

SOMETIMES I’M JUST A BROKEN RECORD

Everyone has problems. Everyone goes through periods of doubt. Everyone isn’t always sure of what they’re doing. (At least I think it’s everyone). Of course I’m not everyone. I’m just me. And sometimes it’s no picnic living 24 hours a day with me and the things that twirl around in my head.

I haven’t posted for a few days. I don’t think I had much to say, and whatever I had to say would be depressing. I’ve had 2 people mention that I haven’t posted for a bit. Lou sent me an email asking if everything was okay because he noticed that I hadn’t written for a few days, which is unusual. Scott left his usual sarcastic comment. (And Scott always has permission to be sarcastic about me). I’m touched by the very few that show concern. Leah writes me “I hope that you start feeling better.. in my humble opinion, you should quit your job. You don't like it at all.. and there's no point in disliking almost every day of your week for one reason or another when no one is forcing you to!”

I’ve been asking myself if I should write if I don’t have anything positive to say or something to complain about in a good-natured way? But who am I writing this for? Is if for me or should it be an “edited” version of my life and how I feel? These aren’t easy questions. One of the purposes of this is to keep those who are interested in what’s happening with me up to date. It stops me from writing the same emails over and over, and people who aren’t interested don’t have to read this. If I edit how I feel regardless of how poorly it is, am I doing myself a disservice. Sometimes writing is therapeutic. And then there are some who read this who can say “too much information”. (I love you Elana).

So I haven’t written because it will just be whining and wondering what I should do. But now I’m sitting here forcing myself to write. I’m troubled. If you don’t want to read what’s on my mind, then just walk away. This is for me and I know that sometime in the future I’ll look back at all this and it will be interesting. It will also be funny to look at, or very sad. It depends on what the future holds.

As I wrote I’ve been off work since Tuesday. It hasn’t been fun. I go to Dunkin Donuts in the morning for coffee. It’s not Starbucks but it’s closer and the coffee isn’t bad. They’re also getting to know me so that’s nice. I went to Seoul yesterday to hang out with Robert and cry on his shoulder. He’s good to talk to because he’s always happy to take the other side of anything I say. I appreciate that. The cute thing that happened yesterday night is I was standing on the subway platform waiting for my train with my headphones on listening to my IPOD. A girl and her mother walk up to me and she’s saying something. I can’t hear because of my headphones and the girl looks only very vaguely familiar. I take off my headphones and she says, “Martin?” Being the genius I am, I figure she’s one of my students. Her mother says, “Duil Middle School?” and I say yes so it was a student. I’m friendly and ask the girl why she’s in Seoul. She is one of my typical students who can’t speak any English. The mother could speak some English so we talked for a minute and then they moved down the platform. They were at church. They go to Seoul every Thursday night for church. I didn’t get into details but it’s funny to run into someone in Seoul when the number of people I know is so small.

Teaching has not worked out like I hoped it would. I am not equipped to teach 40 uninterested students a foreign language. Okay, not all 40 are interested, but the majority are. I wanted conversation with the kids and I’m not getting it. I love these kids in the hallway but in the classroom it’s just not working. Is it because of me? Partly. It can’t be all me because they came to class knowing nothing so their previous 5 to 7 years of learning didn’t help them.

I hate the school. I’m very uncomfortable there and I feel my days are numbered. The principal has it in for me and according to Yoon Soo, he has since my first day when I told him that I HAD to go to my daughter’s wedding in June. I’m supposed to bow and scrape and then all will be fine, but I can’t. Standing up for myself is not the way to endear myself to my bosses. I hate being there and I have to get out. I’m tired of switching schools. I know that so much is luck. Some people get good schools and some people get horrible places. But I do wonder if it’s me, and regardless of where I am I will have problems and not be happy. I don’t know for sure, but it troubles me.

So, I’m back searching the job boards. Where am I looking? I’m looking in Korea. I’m looking in Europe. I’m looking in China. I’m looking anywhere. Depending on what transpires this weekend I may just be looking at anywhere but Korea.

Saeyoon and I have been seeing each other for about 4 months and we are at a crossroads. She has trouble committing to things and giving straight yes or no answers. Whenever I think we are moving forward, something happens that makes me think that I’m wrong. I believe I know how she feels. I know how I feel. I know I’m battling culture and upbringing but there has to be a point where someone stands on their own feet and declares what they’re for, and what they’re going to do.

Due to a difference of opinion on something (I really can’t say) I think I’ve called our relationship off 3 times in the last 2 weeks. I go back on that shortly thereafter because I don’t want it to end. I really believe there is something there worthwhile. So I have to battle internally over what I want, and what I can settle for, and what I can be patient about. It’s making me very unhappy. I don’t want to be in something that I know is making me unhappy but it’s so frustrating because there are so many things that indicate it’s a good match.

She tells me that she can’t live without me which of course isn’t true. You can live without anyone. It might not be as good, but you manage. She tells me she can’t imagine not having me in her life. Words like this mean something but you need to have the actions behind them. I don’t know a lot about her “romantic” past but I believe there isn’t much of one. If there is one, it wasn’t with anyone like me. (And that’s not to imply I’m something great, just something outside her experience).

I can understand being afraid of the future and afraid of being hurt. But there comes a time when you have to make a leap of faith and go with what you really want. If you don’t, you’re left on the outside watching life pass you by. I may not be the perfect one for her, but I might be. But if you don’t let yourself find out then you may be passing on something good for yourself.

I’m usually ruled by my heart. I believe there is something there between us. I can imagine a future with her. I know it’s only four months, but there is no time that says it has to be this long before you know things. And when you’re older and not in your twenties anymore time moves quickly and there is less of it to squander.

If you’re not Korean this is going to sound really silly but it’s serious business for some Koreans and for Saeyoon. I asked her if we could be “boyfriend and girlfriend”. It’s a commitment. It implies there is and will be a future. After our last mini-breakup I thought about it long and hard. I can’t take this lightly because it’s serious business. The answer to this question tells me where we are going. I’m not a playboy. I don’t want to fool around. I want to share a life. If it ends up being Saeyoon, then I’m thrilled because I think it would work. If she can’t live without me and can’t imagine life without me, but can’t accept me as her boyfriend then it’s time for me to move on.

This stuff is driving me crazy and I can’t keep doing it. I want a commitment from her and for her to back up what she says. I’m prepared to make a commitment. We are talking tomorrow and we’ll see what happens. If it doesn’t happen I can walk away knowing that I did all I could to show her that I care. I don’t think you can tell someone you love them and then not be prepared to have the relationship go to the next level. She has to make the jump from standing on the sidelines and watching life, to getting in the game and having a life.

She told me at our first meeting that she’s never told anyone that she loved them. I said, “not even your mother?” and she said no. I was shocked. She’s told me and she’s told me more than once. She tells me she doesn’t know what love is (who does?) but she’s told me something she’s never told anyone else. It means something to me. If you tell someone you love them, there are a whole set of implications and responsibilities that come with that.

So we’ll see what happens. We’ll either move forward and that’s what I’m hoping for, or I’m walking away and moving on with my life. Do I have to leave Korea if it doesn’t work out? No, I don’t, but I am. It’s easier for me that way. Saeyoon has become Korea for me. I never thought coming here would be all about a woman but we never know what the future holds for us.

So between my lousy job and a personal life in turmoil, I’ve been miserable. A good relationship can make a bad job tolerable. A good job can’t save a bad relationship. I was fine by myself for a long time but I now see what I’m missing and I want it. I believe I’ve found someone who I can have that special something with. If she can’t, or she’s not ready, or any excuse then I can’t wait around on a wish and a prayer.

I don’t think I’m being cold about it, but realistic. I want to be patient, understanding, and all those things. But I need to look after myself too. I comfortable that I know what I want. I hope it works. But if it’s not to be, I won’t die. Life will go on. I won’t be in this limbo anymore.

So is that too much information? Probably. But this one’s for me. And having thought about it, and then seeing it in words, I’m comfortable with it.