I MISS MY KIDS

It’s been almost 4 months since the last post and I suppose a lot has gone on in my life. I’ve made some major life decisions that I think are good, but of course only time will tell. But that is not what does possess me to post tonight. My post has nothing to do with Korea (as it seems as if Korea belongs to another life).

It’s this aging thing and relating to my kids that has me baffled and sometimes depressed. I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to adjust to, and although I can fake it at times and all is well, it tears me apart at other times.

We all have a picture of how we see ourselves. The thing I’ve enjoyed most in life was having kids. They gave me the gift of laughter (among other things). They were good, they were funny, and they were just 2 great people to be around. I adored and still do adore them. I think I was a good father at raising them (and their mother was and is a good mother). I gave them freedom to be who they wanted and I don’t think I ever forced them to conform to what I wanted them to be. All the things I said I’d never do when I was a parent, I never did. I think they loved me very much and we just liked spending time together.

I know that as kids get older, there are people they would rather spend time with than their parents. Of course, for Elana, I made it difficult for her to be with me, but I think she’s coming around. Leah is happily married and I’m thrilled. I will take off and live in a new country at the drop of a hat, but I’m sad that Leah lives so far away and I don’t see her much.

I guess my point is that my kids would rather spend time with others than with me. I know that sounds self pitying, and it probably is, but it’s how I see things. Leah was just in town and her and Elana love to spend time together, and I love to see them together. They were always good sisters and it touches me to see that. But not once do they say to me, “Dad, let’s the four of us (Taylor too) do something together”. Or even the five of us (let’s include Elana’s boyfriend for this one). I feel left out and I wonder what I did to deserve this.

I don’t know if I’m wrong or if I’m right, I only know that when I feel left out like this, I feel unbearably lonely. I question whether my children truly love me. I know as a parent that you would lay down your life for your child, but as a child (and I’m still someone’s child), how far would we go for a parent? It’s a question I wrestle with and at the moment I live here in Canada basically because of my mother. Sometimes I do things for myself, and sometimes I put others first. You just have to pick your spots.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I’ll be 53. I find that hard to believe. As many others before me have said, where have the years gone? And what will I do tomorrow? I will get up, go to work, come home, do laundry, eat a frozen pizza, watch a DVD, read, and then go to sleep. I’ve never been big on birthdays, but my day coming tomorrow sounds pretty pathetic.

I miss my kids. I miss the times we shared. I want a piece of that back. They’ve been “grown up” for a while but I haven’t made the jump to letting go. Or maybe it’s not me and my kids just don’t have that feeling for me that they had when they were younger. Maybe I’m just the obligation to be put up with. I don’t know.

So I will continue to struggle with this. It is depressing. I love them so much and I guess I just want to feel loved, wanted, and needed. I want a piece of the “old days” to still be here.

IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

Greetings from Bucharest, Romania. Does anyone check occasionally to see if I've posted anything? It’s been exactly 6 months since my last post. I’ve been to Romania 3 times and China twice. I’ve done some different things that may be explained later, and I’ve watched a lot of movies. I don’t date every night. In fact, I don’t date. I’m reasonably content and expect things to improve greatly in the next few months.

It’s really not “Martin’s South Korea Living” anymore. I don’t think (never say never) that I will ever see Korea again. There are new lands to conquer but I’ll be in Canada for a couple of years yet. Do I like it there? Not really. I miss the day to day adventure of living in a strange land.

Saeyoon and I are done. She emailed me a couple of weeks ago after a long time. I didn’t want to answer because I didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t answer. Then she phoned me 2 weeks in a row and I didn’t answer. So I figured I better write. So I did. I was pleasant and I’m not bitter. The way I look at it is she missed an opportunity to better her life and try something different. I look back and see that I subjected myself to a little more abuse than I should have. Live and learn.

I could write oodles of stuff I suppose, but I won’t now. You never know who is reading and some information must be filtered. It’s sad that I finally feel that way. But people have expectations of a person and think they know how someone else should live their life. I disagree but I don’t want the hassle of dealing with negative thoughts. Live and let live. It’s not original, but I truly believe it. People should do what they think is best for themselves at a certain time, and others should hope all works out for them.

Yes, I know. I’ve changed. The last few years have been an adventure and it still is and I hope it will remain being so.

By the way, the picture is not from Romania. It's at the Great Wall of China in case you can't tell. And if you couldn't tell, you should go and see it for yourself.

SOME THINGS I MISS ABOUT KOREA

It’s funny. I rarely, if ever, think about things I miss about Korea. Sometimes I wonder if I actually miss anything. Then I was driving home today. It’s October 30th and the windows were open in the car because the weather is above 60 degrees and it’s just sunny and beautiful. A fall day to kill for.

I don’t know why it triggered the thoughts it did, but what came to my mind was that I miss living in a smaller place. I miss running into kids on the street and having brief conversations with them. I miss their excitement as they try to get out a few words in English. I miss the rare moments in class when I felt I was getting somewhere and they actually understood something I was explaining.

I miss walking down the halls and kids telling me that they loved me. I miss the hugs. I miss kindergarten kids playing with the hair on my arms or looking down my shirt at my hairy chest.

I miss just sitting on a bench in school, arm in arm with a student. Nothing being said, but obviously there is some sort of bond and communication going on.

I miss balancing a chair on my head, and then putting things on it and trying to keep it all up in the air. The kids would be amazed (it doesn’t take much) and everything I would put on the chair would be something they knew the English word for.

I miss being liked. It’s that simple. Regardless of the problems I had as a teacher, and knowing full well that all of this is quite fleeting, I still miss it. How nice it is to work some place where there are over 100 people who know your name and actually like you.

Would I get excited seeing someone from work here on the street? No way. But I always got a little thrill seeing a student, whether I was walking or driving my car. I miss kids coming up to me and trying out their 10 words of English. I never tired of it. I know some foreigners did, but I never did. I was flattered that I appeared so approachable.

I had my problems there. There are problems everywhere. But there are things that I miss so much. My job doesn’t compare with what I did there, no matter how poorly I did it. I made friends and had personal relationships. The kids were my friends. No, we didn’t go out together and it was just in school or passing on the street, but I could feel the warmth I felt for them, and the warmth they felt for me. I miss it.

I was trying to think of other things I miss. I miss when things were good with Saeyoon. I miss how she could make me feel a smile in my heart. I’m sorry there couldn’t have been more positive moments, but I’m grateful for the little joys I took from the relationship.

They say (whoever they are) that you should take something from every relationship. I was thinking today that they are scars that we’re left with after a relationship. Some are bad, but some scars are good and we wear them like a badge of honor.

The two best Saeyoon moments I have to remember are brief, but to me quite unforgettable. I remember one time walking in Seoul and she said to me that she felt like the luckiest girl in the world when she was with me. No one has ever said anything like that to me.

The other thing (maybe I mentioned it before) was when I was in the hospital. I think it was the 2nd or 3rd night when I was in pretty bad shape. She took me to my room and I got into bed. She got in beside me and just lay there for about ½ an hour. I remember asking her about a week later whether it really happened or did I dream it. It was real, but it was so beautiful it had a dream quality to that.

I’m probably the only person in the world who thinks we might have had a chance to make something if she came here. In many ways I’m over her and I’ve moved on. I don’t mourn her loss. I think that’s just me. Life goes on.

I don’t spend much time thinking about my life here. I come to my empty apartment and at the moment I’m not complaining about it. I think I was living in hospitals or with others for too long. It’s almost like a treat, and I don’t think of anything. I read some, I watch some TV, I type on the computer. Of course it’s not the ideal life and I know I will have to find things to do, but for the moment it works for me.

I can’t think of what I want to do, because it might be something that requires me to move far away. I’m committed to spending at least a year here and I can’t believe it. It’s already been 5 months. I think my year started October 1st when I moved in with my one year lease. I have a 4 year lease on my car, and a 2 year cell phone commitment. But there are ways to worm out if need be. But I really don’t think about these things because I don’t want to be unhappy at the thought of being here.

I would love to be happy. I would love to be content. I would love to be “stable” and have peace. There is obviously a restlessness to me that I must come to grips with. I know life is about the journey and not the destination. But sometimes I just have to try and turn everything off and stay still.

It was good to remember and miss the good things about Korea.

OKAY, SO I DON’T POST SO OFTEN

Here I am. It’s Monday morning and I’m at the office. It’s 8:17 AM. The temperature outside is about 6 degrees Celsius (about low 40’s in real numbers) and the temperature in here is 59 degrees. It seems no one who is presently here knows how to operate the thermostat so I’m glad I’m wearing 2 shirts and a jacket. And people always laughed at me for the “layered” look.

As usual I have several debates going on in my head right now. I think the biggest is whether or not to get my hair cut. I know it looks better shorter, but I hate haircuts. I also get some sort of perverse pleasure in having the “mad professor” look. I hope Mary Anne approves. As for what Ginger thinks, I don’t really care.

It’s my mom’s birthday today. She’s 72. Hell, we’re all getting older. The body breaks down a bit, but it’s what’s inside that counts. Of course, if you feel 25 inside but move like a 60 year old it’s a problem. I seem to waffle between feeling about 30 and moving like I’m 52. My mom is managing. Her and Elyse’s family went to Buffalo for the weekend. I wasn’t invited. I think they know I’m not much of a shopper. So I got stuck with baby-sitting the dog. Boy, that dogs smells and he’s old. It’s not a real pleasure.

Yesterday I spend several hours visiting my old friends Steve and Cheryl. She found me on facebook which I had to join to see a picture that Elana took of Jerod (my nephew) and me. So through a link of a link of a link, she found me and wrote. I would have written eventually but she was first. It was nice to “catch up” on old times. I can honestly say they don’t seem to have changed. It’s weird. I’ve been through all these strange and life-altering experiences and there they are, the same as always. And you know what? If it works for them, and it does, then I’m very happy for them.

Leah was here for 2 weeks and that was great. I saw her a few times and she slept over 3 nights. The rest of the time she slept at her sister’s. I don’t see her enough so it was a real pleasure. Her life is pretty good but she’s tired of the road trips. She’s thinking that she’ll get a job and a place to live and Taylor can tour with just the band. When he’s home, they can be alone. I think she’s done in on living with the in-laws, and even at the best of times, living with the in-laws is not ideal.

We had some good talks and the best words of wisdom she had was that she might not like all the things I do, or all the choices I make, but I’m her father and she loves me. She said, “What am I going to do? Not talk to you?” I appreciated that. I can respect that my kids don’t agree with me. I don’t always agree with them. But I do believe in unconditional love within a family. And since none of us walk in anyone else’s shoes, we can’t judge what works for others. Some ideas might seem totally insane, but sometimes they do work out.

I’m on break from the dating game. It was just ridiculous. I was drinking too much coffee. Sometimes I’d see a person a couple of times and I’d get an email saying that we could never be more than just friends if I was interested. It bothered me since I was still in the “do I like you” stage. I’m just not living up to the expectations of the women I saw. I think things I said turned them off. Things like health history or just my past but what am I going to do, lie? If you ask a question, I’ll answer it honestly even if it doesn’t show me in the best light. I think I would do just as well throwing a dart at a board and seeing where it sticks.

This Ernestina scam (previous post, woman from Guana) is dead. She asked me for $100 to throw herself a 30th birthday party. I said no. I spend $20 to send her a webcam and she told me she needed $70 for the postman to hand it over. I said no. So she (or he or whoever) doesn’t seem to be chatting to me anymore. It’s just so sad that there are men who take these people seriously. I’m lonely, I admit it. But I’m not a total dolt.

Work carries on. No one hassles me which is good. I am managing to stay awake which is good. I’m going to Romania for a few days which is bizarre. It’s never been on my list of places to visit, but I’ve never been one to turn down a free trip to a new country. The problem is the trip is only for a demo, so it’s a short one. I won’t have time to see any of the country. I think Vlad the Impaler was going to invite me for dinner, but I would have to turn it down. If we get the sale, I’m sure I’ll be going back.

I’ve been writing to this woman on a Chinese site. I enjoy writing to her and getting letters from her. They are refreshing. It’s not like Western women. These women are interested in finding husbands. I get from 1 to 4 letters a day from different women who have read my profile and claim to be interested. They belong in a large age range, some are single, some are divorced, some have kids, but all the letters are capable of pulling you in. I’m only writing to the one woman since I’m cheap. The site is free but you pay for letter translations which are about $5 a letter. I write, they call her, she goes to the agency, they translate the letter for her, she replies in Chinese, they translate to English and send it back to me. I think that takes a commitment on the other person’s part to have to go to the agency almost every day to reply.

She says the right things, some of which I take with a grain of salt. She tells me she loves me (which is something I take with a grain of salt), and that I am the one for her. I’ve sent her lots of pictures so she knows what I look like. She knows my age. I think she is sincerely interested. I like how she writes and expresses herself. I don’t think it’s a scam to get a visa because she’s said China would be a better place for us to live. I liked that and it gave me more confidence in what I was reading.

I know the whole thing sounds insane, but sometimes insanity works. I may go see her and I know it’s a long way for a date, but my intuition (faulty as it is), tells me it would be worthwhile. And even if it doesn’t work out, it’s still a holiday in China. The thing is, if she thinks I’m the same person in real life as the one who writes the letters, and if I think she’s the same person in real life as the one who writes the letters, then we do have something to go from.

I have no idea how good her language is. I know everyone in China learns English in school but that means nothing. I know I’m a good and patient listener to foreigners, and I speak slowly, so that’s a plus. We would hire a translator for the first couple of days to get us over the initial hump. I mean, I haven’t been too successful relationship wise, so why not something different?

So I work, I go hope to my apartment alone (which I still don’t mind at this stage), and I dream about this insane Chinese idea. I am tired of being alone. I admit it. I’ve given up on conventional means of meeting women. I confuse and upset those who claim to care for me. But I just want the same rights as everyone else and that’s the right to try what I think just might work. If it doesn’t no one dies. And if it does work, that’s great.

So that’s it in a nutshell for this time. Next time will be whenever. If anyone is reading this, perhaps even crazier things may happen, or I may be on my way to finding some kind of inner peace.

So It’s Not South Korea Living Anymore

I’m back. The last post was June 17th and it’s now September 26th. I don’t think I’ll be able to do this all in one sitting but I will do this. Things have changed since my last post. The best comment on my life I’ve heard in a long time was from my clever friend Laura. She said my life is a soap opera (obviously), but I need to introduce some new characters and not keep recycling the old ones.

Elana tells me that I give out too much information. That’s from her point of view and if I was her, I don’t know if I would want to read about the life and problems and dreams of my father. She has a point. I, being the selfish person I can be, go ahead and write and no one has to read it. In fact, I’m curious if anyone checks here anymore to see what’s going on in my life. We’ll see.

So what’s new? I spent the month of July in England. I went for various reasons but the two main ones were that I needed to be somewhere where I could feel “on my own” and just relax and get healthy. Janet lives in a village about 40 miles from London so the location was terrific. It rained a lot but it was very restful. The other reason I went was curiosity. I was over my bitterness and could look back on our misadventures knowing that she did not set out to do me harm. Everyone has their problems and issues and I’ve learned to not be critical of others just because their plans aren’t my plans. So with an open mind I went to England.

I don’t think we will ever speak again. This isn’t bad. This time it just died a natural death. There is no bitterness and I don’t think there is any regret. What happened, happened. I’m comfortable with how things ended this time. There was no fairy tale ending, but that’s life.

Before I left for England I got myself a job. I went back to work at the place I was employed at for 13 years. I would never have even thought of it, but Lou made a crack one day about asking for my job back. I seriously thought about it, and the reality was that I needed a job and to start earning some money. The job pays well and I can always look for another job from a position of strength (already employed) than of desperation.

I haven’t had any problems or personality conflicts at work. But to be perfectly honest, I’m bored. The hardest thing I do is try to stay awake. I’ve done this for so long there is no challenge involved. The pay is good so I turn my head off and do my time. It’s not an ideal life, but it pays the bills.

I’m still living at my mother’s. I move next week into my new 2 bedroom apartment. I am looking forward to being on my own again. My mother couldn’t have been better, but I think I’ve grown up and need to be on my own.

Speaking of “on my own”, what ever happened to Saeyoon? After a short time back here I had a feeling that the November date had changed. I came out and asked her and she said that her mother’s birthday was in December and it was the 70th birthday which is the most important birthday in Korea. I told her that she should have told me, and of course she should stay in Korea for the birthday and then come at the end of December.

A few weeks later I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be December either. She didn’t say anything so I asked, “Are you coming in January?” She told me no, it was her mother’s 70th birthday in February. Yes, I was confused. She then told me it’s February by the lunar calendar and that’s the calendar that counts. I was not happy.

I felt that it was just excuses and she was “afraid” to move away from living with her mother and being looked after. Maybe she likes having her mother do her laundry and make her lunch every day. Maybe all she wants is to be free to get drunk whenever she wants. I don’t know.

I gave her an ultimatum. I told her to come in November and go back to Korea in February for a couple of weeks for the birthday. If she didn’t come in November, she shouldn’t come at all. I was through waiting for something that wasn’t going to happen. Everyone told me that if she wants you, she’ll come to you. And they were right and she wasn’t coming.

It took her a little time to see I was serious. I haven’t spoken or written to her in about a month. I got an email 3 weeks ago with some pictures of us telling me that she missed me so much. I didn’t reply. What could I say? I had allowed myself to be treated in a shoddy manner and I didn’t want to do that any more. If I don’t show respect for myself, how can I expect anyone else to show respect for me? So I’ve kept my silence and she’s too much of a coward to do the thing that is best for her. Even if she came and it didn’t work out, she’d have the experience of living in a new country and being on her own. I’m sorry if this sounds cruel, but she’s a fool. This was the offer of a lifetime but all she had were excuses for not coming now, and words of “wait for me”. It’s too bad. I would have liked to have given it a shot. Maybe I think more of her than she thinks of herself. Maybe I think more of her than she’s worth. But I won’t subject myself to false promises. You want it, you do it. It’s simple in my world.

So it’s over and I’m angry. I’m angry at her for not knowing her own mind. I’m angry at her for treating the person who cared so much for her, in such a thoughtless manner. I’m angry at her for not understanding what “love” means, and the commitments that go with it. I’m angry at myself for allowing all this to happen. I’m angry at myself for investing my soul in her. I’m angry at myself for letting myself be treated like dirt. And I’m angry because I have to go back to dating again.

If she were to call me right now and say she was coming, I’d take that chance with her. I ask myself why. Is it the horror of loneliness? Do I really love her for some inexplicable reason? I don’t know. But she’s not calling so it’s nothing I have to worry about. It would take a clever, smart, and brave person to call and come here. I hate to say it, but that’s not her.

So I’m back in the online dating business. I hate it. I did it in Austin and I got lucky and met Laura who I am still friends with 2 years later. I did it in Korea and ended up with Saeyoon with all the good and bad that brought. Now I try it in my 3rd country. I’ve had lots of coffee. I can’t picture the person I’m looking for, just that I’ll know it when it’s right. I have met one or two that I would have liked pursuing, but it takes interest on both people’s parts. I find that I’m partial to Asians for some reason. I think part of it is that I find them pretty. Another part is I find them “softer”. A lot of North American women get hard from having unpleasant experiences. That’s not good. I think you have to bounce back from adversity and not get that hard shell. If you want to attract a softness in others, you have to have that softness yourself.

You drink a lot of coffee when playing this dating game. You meet for coffee most of the time, and you usually have a pleasant experience. You just can’t find the “magic”. I figure if I meet enough people, then perhaps it will work with one. I’m always open to new people. I have certain things working against me that I can’t help. I’m 52 so I can get a 46 year old woman to say I’m too old for her. Age is just a number. Really. I know this to be true in my case as I can be quite immature. Actually, I’m probably younger than most people who are younger in years than me. But the number 52 hurts. Being 5’ 6” doesn’t help either. People want tall and I’m not tall. Oh well. Not having a lot of hair hurts. There isn’t much call for bald guys.

What’s the most annoying is reading the profiles and all the wonderful qualities women will claim to have. So much is crap. I don’t need someone to tell me how wonderful they are. If they’re wonderful and I meet them, I’ll see it for myself. I think many women are looking for this fantasy of a man who doesn’t exist. I don’t want a fantasy. I want a reality. A real person who I fit with and who fits with me.

So I go out. And go out. I’m leaving in about 10 minutes for a 9PM coffee meeting downtown with a new woman. Asian, of course. Who knows? If I don’t go, maybe I’m missing the miracle meeting. So I go without hope, but with an open mind. And I guess it beats sitting home and watching TV. And I don’t watch TV.

I’m back. It was a short date but long enough for a large coffee at Tim Horton’s. She goes to school to learn English from 9 to 12 every morning, and then works from noon to 9. She had to leave early to go home for dinner. See, life isn’t so bad. There is always someone worse off.

I think I’m running out of women to approach. Maybe I should branch out from Asian? Who knows? Something will come along. I hope.

I get emails from “ladies” from other countries. I don’t think it’s my devastatingly good looks that causes these women to feel they have to write me. In fact, I don’t always know what their game is. There was one woman from Russia who wrote that we had a lot in common and she wanted to meet me. She said she was planning on coming to the U.S. and wanted to know someone here and would want to be with me. Yes, I’m sure. She was 27 but it appears that age was not an impediment to our happy future together.

I knew this was a scam, but I didn’t exactly know what it was. I went along with her, writing her faithfully. I tried several times to tell her I was in Canada and not the U.S. but I don’t think she read that part.

She would send pictures of herself, and pictures of her and her “sister”. Her emails were great. She didn’t lay it on too thick. She would talk about how she loved to cook lasagna and how she taught dance. She said she was going to Moscow to get her visa and plane ticket and then come to me.

When she said she was in Moscow she wrote a great email about how a car hit a woman she was standing beside and how she spent the day in the police station being interviewed. You could almost believe her. But I’m a suspicious guy so I went on the Internet and did a search on her name. I found her on sites with pictures (some that she sent me) and copies of emails that she had sent to others. What she does is ask to borrow $1000 because she just found out at the last minute that she needs it for her visa. She will pay it back and she’s invested so much time in her plans to be with me, and her family has given her all the money they can.

The day after I read this on the Internet, I got the letter asking me for money. I didn’t want to direct her to the web page where I saw her in case one of her potential victims goes searching for her on the Internet. I wouldn’t want her warned and changing the way she plays her game. I did not reply.

She wrote me again and she was desperate for this chance to come to the U.S. to see me. I don’t know why she couldn’t at least have changed it to Canada. I did write her back including a picture of her and her “sister” I’d downloaded that she hadn’t sent me. I asked her if she knew where I got that picture from. I told her, “shame on you”. I copied her emails to other men into my email and would ask, “Do you remember Brian?” Then I’d copy in another one and say, “If you don’t remember Brian, perhaps you remember Roy”. What really bugs me about this is that there are legitimate people looking for a chance at making a new life and these other people make everyone look guilty. Not good. Needless to say, I haven’t heard back from her.

I know have this other “woman” writing me and I admit I can’t figure her game out yet. She says she lives in Ghana (West Africa) and is white. She sent me a picture and she’s very pretty if it’s her. She says I’m handsome so I don’t really trust her. She’s 29 and says that when you’re in love that age doesn’t matter. How can she love me? I know I write pretty well, but isn’t it a little soon? So we chat almost every day and she says the right things. But I don’t know what she wants. I asked her if she had a webcam and she said no. I asked her about buying one but she said they are hard to get in Ghana. The economy there is lousy and they make horrible salaries. She says she earns about $130 U.S. a month.

She asked me to buy her a webcam (not a demand but a request), so I figured I would pay $20 to see where this games goes. When I think of the money I’ve thrown away on other things, $20 bucks isn’t a lot for learning something new. She also asked me to buy her a digital camera so she could take some pictures of herself for me. It was easy to say no to that.

I can’t figure her game out. When she gets the camera, we’ll see if she is like her picture. She can’t be in this for a webcam only. It’s funny. You know that it’s false. As the old saying goes, if it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true. But you have this tiny little piece of you that hopes that you’re wrong and miracles do happen. I know that there is no way a pretty 29 year old girl would be interested in me. I believe in myself and my good qualities and I don’t feel my age, but I just can’t accept that someone would be interested in someone old enough to be their father. But I am hooked on finding out what is the game I’m playing. Maybe she just wants a ticket out of Ghana and is selling her soul for it? I don’t know.

So that’s my life for now. I’m happy to be closer to family. Leah comes in a little over a week for a 2 week visit so that’s good. My mother loves that I’m closer. I think Elana likes that I’m closer. My sister and her family like that I’m closer. But I don’t like my life.

I’m torn in 2 directions. Part of me wants to be closer to family. I love my family. I don’t go around the world to escape them. But my life is boring. I would much rather be failing at teaching English in a Chinese University than trying to stay awake designing and writing software.

Sometimes we do things for ourselves. Sometimes we do things for others. The trick is to know when the right time for each is. I made a commitment (in my head) to stay here for 1 year at least. I won’t think about other parts of the world until then. I may end up here forever. I may meet someone that will make it one more reason to stay here. Maybe I’ll marry some 29 year old girl from Ghana and live here with her. We will have lots of babies since she has many fertile years in front of her. You just never know what life holds in store for you.

Maybe I’ll meet the woman of my dreams on a Chinese dating site. There are many Chinese women who want to marry Western men for a chance at a better life. I can respect that. I do believe you can fall in love with a person who can show you a better life.

There are dating sites for everyone. There are gay dating sites. There are dating sites for obese people. They are dating sites for Muslims. Some of the women are wearing burkas in their pictures. (That’s the outfit that covers everything from head to toe.) There is something for everyone. There is probably even something for me.

Oh, by the way, that's a picture of Ernestina, the woman from Ghana who thinks I'm handsome and who she feels she's so lucky she's found. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking of course it's all real. Yes sir, for sure.

AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME MY LIFE SUCKS

Sorry Elana. I should try and be positive but this is the truth. I know it won’t be like this forever, and I know it will be better soon, but I’m really feeling beat up. I thought I would post more since I got back but I just haven’t had the motivation. Things have been not good for so long (over 2 months which in the course of a lifetime isn’t much but when you are going through them seem like forever) that it’s a battle to not succumb to depression.

First, a small addition to the previous post from a week and a half ago. On my first Sunday night back I had dinner with Elana. I can’t believe I wrote that I couldn’t remember what I did so that’s an indication of where my head is (or isn’t).

Last Friday (not yesterday) I had my doctor’s appointment with my new doctor and after she got my blood work back, they called me in the afternoon. I was told I should go to emergency and see if they’d admit me because my blood was wacko and my lungs sounded terrible, and if I’m in the hospital I could tests run much quicker. So like a fool I had my mother drive me to the hospital. I packed a bag for when they would admit me. We were at emergency for 10 hours. In those 10 hours there was mostly waiting. It took over 2 hours to get from the waiting area into a small room in emergency. I needed the room because I was potentially infectious. The nurse came and took blood and my vitals. Then another long wait for a doctor. He came in and I gave him my medical history. He thought it was quite interesting and he left. After another hour I went out and asked what was happening. I was told they were waiting for my blood results to come back. After a few more hours my mother hunted the doctor down and he told her there were going to give me a CT scan and he’d requested an Internist to look at me.

After another couple of hours the Internist came in and said I had pneumonia. Doh! He thought I caught it in the hospital in Korea (where I was admitted with pneumonia) and in light of my pneumonia my blood results weren’t bad. He gave me a new prescription for a stronger anti-biotic and sent me on my way. Was I annoyed? Yes. Was my blood pressure up and my heart rate too fast? Yes.

It seems that in Ontario a doctor can’t admit you to the hospital unless you are dying. You need to go to emergency and get past their doctors. Does that sound crazy? Of course it does. I don’t think I’ll be visiting the emergency room at a hospital again.

I went back to the doctor on Monday and she said I sounded the same (lungs). However, my blood work had improved and she was “cautiously optimistic”. I had another appointment yesterday and she said I sounded better. Not perfect, but better than terrible. I have a CT scan on Monday and another visit with the doctor next Friday. I’ve felt like crap for so long I’m not sure what feeling good is. However, I’m not coughing as much and I’m not infectious and I think I do feel somewhat better. So I am mending.

I did next to nothing during the week. I sent out some resumes but wasn’t ready for a full assault on the job front. I read, I play on my computer, and I just sit around. Different country, same crap. I take small walks and am drinking coffee again after a 2 month hiatus from Starbucks.

I had dinner at my sister’s last night and Elana came. It was nice to get out, it was nice to see everyone, and it was nice to be with Elana. In an ironic twist it seems she will move to Texas in about a month for a change in her life. So I return and she leaves. She’s doing the right thing if it’s what she wants to do. I wouldn’t mind being in Texas either.

My daughter is so clever. She told me last night that a good test to know if the person you’re in a relationship with is good for you, is thinking how you would feel if your child with in a relationship with the same kind of person. I asked her if she made that up and she said yes. She does have a point. If someone treated my daughter like I’ve been treated at times I’d break their legs. It was like a splash of cold water on my face and gave me much food for thought.

Speaking of relationships Saeyoon has said she is coming for sure. People tell me I’m delusional if I believe that. I am trying to get a month pinned down (November or bust) because November was talked about, November is a 6 month separation, and I’m willing to wait until November. I don’t think I’m willing to wait on an open-ended unfixed date. Will she commit to November? I honestly don’t know. Do I want her to? Yes. I want to have faith and trust in someone. Maybe I’m crazy (yes I am) but I really think that outside of Korea and living together we have a chance at a successful relationship. Then again Laura, maybe I’m delusional.

I do forgive a lot because I’m dealing with a different culture and I’m dealing with someone who lacks the life and relationship experience that I have. Many things I know are learning experiences for her. Am I making excuses for her? Perhaps. But there is the possibility that I do see something there that is worth waiting on. Or maybe I’m crazy but I already said that.

I sent out a bunch of resumes today to ESL schools in Toronto. I figure it wouldn’t hurt to look. I have no idea if my qualifications, such as they are, count for much. I have no idea how much they pay. But email is free so why not send them out. I think on Monday I will try and find an employment agency or two who may be able to help me. I need my resume to look good for computer stuff even though it has 16 months of teaching English in Korea. To me it’s a plus, but I’m a forward thinking and well-rounded person.

My mother and I went to see “La Vie En Rose” today. It’s a French movie about the great singer Edith Piaf. We both enjoyed it immensely. The actress who portrayed Edith Piaf was unbelievably good. For my mother to actually say she liked a movie is quite something. I highly recommend it.

I don’t want to live in Toronto. I want to be close to family but I don’t want to live here. It’s a dilemma because I should be closer. I know I have no choice at the moment, and my mother is as considerate as can be, but it’s really tough to share a 1 bedroom apartment with your mother. I haven’t had my own place in over 2 months and I need it. I need a holiday from myself and from illness. I need to be healthy. I haven’t gained any weight since I’ve been back, but I am eating considerably more than I did before I left Korea. Will I wake up one morning to find 10 extra pounds on me? I hope not.

I keep telling myself that everything will work out and this is only temporary. I really do believe that but it’s hellish when you are going through it. If I would have saved money when I was younger I could be living in my own place with no income. (Boy, that stinks). Because I know that things will get better I don’t mind saying they suck now because they do and I don’t want to be delusional about everything.

I’m going to the ballgame with my nephew on Wednesday. Boy, I really do need to get out. July 1st is a long weekend and my choices so far are to go to Collingwood with my mother, my sister, her husband, and their kids or to move into my sister’s and baby-sit the dog. That is a depressing thought.

I take so many pills that I can’t believe there isn’t one to make everything better. I know I’m whining but I’m just so tired of being homeless, alone, unemployed, and to a large extent (thanks pneumonia and kidney failure and anemia) helpless.

It’s tough to want to be in 2 places at the same time. I do want to be close to my mother but at the same time I’d rather be failing at another English teacher job somewhere in the world. When I was younger I thought it would be really good to live in a new land every couple of years and work there. I remember shortly after coming back from Israel in 1982 seeing an ad in the paper looking for English teachers for Japan. I thought it was a wonderful idea but Barbara didn’t want to do that. Who was right? We both were.

I just have never really felt at home anywhere. I guess that’s why it’s so easy for me to go to new places. My kids in Texas, me in Toronto, and the woman I think I want in Korea. Life is funny but I’m not laughing at the moment.

It’s Leah’s 1 year wedding anniversary tomorrow (June 17). It’s hard to believe it’s been a year already since her wedding. It’s funny but for her anniversary she and Taylor have given me a gift. How much they are enjoying their life together and how happy Leah is makes it a wonderful gift for me. Life isn’t all that bad if your kids are happy.

SO WHAT’S IT LIKE TO BE BACK?

At the moment, it sucks. I could be here, in Korea, or on the moon. It would all be the same. I’m not on my own. I’m sick. Yes, I have pneumonia again. I have no energy. I can’t look for work until I’m better. I should probably stay in and rest which doesn’t sound so appealing after being inside for 2 months.

On Sunday I got a cell phone. That took 3+ hours comparing prices and plans. It sure stinks here in Canada. It’s so much cheaper and better in the U.S. I had breakfast with my mother, sister, and her girls which was nice. And I can’t really remember if I did anything else.

On Monday I got my driver’s license and my health insurance. Getting the health insurance takes a big load off my mind as I can’t really afford the doctor right now. I went to see the doctor (my cousin) and he confirmed the pneumonia and put me on antibiotics. He told me I should find another doctor because we’re family and I agreed. He recommended someone for me to call and told me that if they aren’t accepting new patients they would refer me to someone else.

He took a chest x-ray and my lungs look like hell. He did blood work and I had to wait for the results. My mother and I then went to the cemetery to see my dad. It was his birthday. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We walked around a bit looking at the tombstones and some of them just break your heart. It’s very painful to see the grave of a 2 year old girl.

We then went to eat at Swiss Chalet which was a taste treat as always and then stayed in the house in the evening.

My sleeping sometimes is interrupted by coughing spasms which wake my mom but what can I do? It’s going to be tough until it’s over.

Yesterday morning I called the doctor recommended to me and they are not taking new patients. I asked if they could recommend someone and they said to call the College of Physicians. Big help. Jerks. My mother then said her doctor was good but a woman and I said that would be no problem. So she called and left a message asking them to take me as a patient. They called back a few hours later and scheduled an appointment for me on Monday.

I stayed in all day yesterday which is probably good but something I’m tired of doing. I got my blood test results back and there was nothing dramatically wrong but some levels were high. They faxed the results to my new doctor.

My new doctor phoned me personally at 6:20 because she was curious about me after seeing my blood work. I have her my checkered medical history and she changed my appointment from Monday afternoon to Friday morning. I was impressed. She also told me if I get shakes and shivers I should go check into a hospital because I probably need my antibiotics intravenously. So far, no shakes.

I’ll run a few errands today with my mom, but basically life is on hold. I can’t think and I have no energy. I know this will all clear up soon but after this much time I’m rather tired of it.

And what of this “November plan” for Saeyoon and I. Things change quickly. I get an email from her saying that she’s not sure if she wants to live her permanently which was never the plan. It was to try it out and then decide together what we should do. I told her it sounded like she wanted to come here to see me for a vacation. I told her to make up her mind as to what she wanted to do because it wasn’t fair to me to have me prepare and believe she was coming if she wasn’t.

I’m not even angry because it just happens so much. She’s a person (not a bad person) who has trouble making up her mind and making commitments. I can’t count on what she tells me no matter how convincing it sounds at the moment. This may sound cruel but she should stay in Korea, live with her mother, have her mother pack her lunch daily and wash her clothes, and go out drinking and get drunk a couple of times a week. A life of little responsibility and (to me at least) little joy. But we all must choose our own way.

I just need to get better and then to find work. If Saeyoon was coming my search would be limited to Canada as you need a visa if you’re Korean to visit the U.S. Now, without any commitments (but lots of “miss you”s and “hope we love each other forever”, but no commitments), I can consider the U.S. It was a good plan to come here and build a foundation for her to come here with a minimum of trouble, but there is too much waffling and I can just see myself thinking she’s coming and she doesn’t show up. It’s too bad. She’s a bit of a fool who doesn’t seem capable of seeing the future and what’s important in life. But as my mother always told me when I was younger, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

So that’s my boring return to Canada for now. Hopefully I’ll be better soon. I don’t know how long I’ll keep up this blog. As long as it’s therapeutic for me, I’ll do it. Then I guess the title could change to “Martin’s Canadian Adventure”.